© (2003) By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, ATR-BC, NCC
Can
you imagine being deserted on the streets by your parents at the age of
six or seven? What would you do? How could you fend for yourself? What
happens when you get hungry, tired or when darkness comes? Can you
imagine the terror? These sorts of predicaments are exactly how one
would describe a “Throw Away Child". Recently this term has been used by
several adult survivors of child abuse -- coming from all faiths, as a
way to describe their feelings of being turned away when trying to
connect or re-connect with various religious leaders, faith based
communities and or even to God.
The
first representative a child has of God is that of their parents. If
one or both of their parents were abusive, the child believes that God
is abusive. The same could be said for those who are incest survivors
many believe that God must also be a pedophile.
Survivors
who were abused in their home, often grew up without mentally healthy
role models, or even a stable home environment. One of their issues is
learning how to trust. This is not an easy task for the survivor, nor
will it be easy for an individual who wants to reach out to mentor them.
Individuals
who want to help survivors have to remember that even though a person
may be physiologically and chronologically an adult, on an emotional and
even on a spiritual level an adult survivor of abuse may still be in
their infancy. We all must be mindful when survivors discuss their
thoughts and feelings -- especially when it comes to their own personal
experiences and understanding when they describe the problems they have
connecting with a higher power (AKA: God). One should never shame or
blame a survivor of child abuse for their victimization, their beliefs,
or their inability to feel safe when it comes to spiritual matters.
Survivors
of child abuse often have never been allowed or given the opportunity
to work through various issues and or to learn and develop the needed
skills to grow spiritually. The good thing is that these
misunderstandings can be turned around with the right interventions.
To
help these types of survivors, one must try to understand the
individual person they want to help. No two survivors are alike. It is
important to really understand where each individual survivor is coming
from emotionally and how much time, energy and patience will be required
to establish a trusting relationship.
When
a survivor trusts someone enough to disclose their childhood abuse
histories, they are often shunned or ignored by those in faith based
communities. When this occurs the survivor not only feels that they had
been deserted by the community they may also feel as if God is once
again doing the same thing.
All
too often survivors of child abuse feel as if they are wearing a
scarlet letter. They often feel as if their very essence is no good. Too
many feel as if they have no purpose in life and or that they were born
evil.
It
is also not that uncommon for those who were abused as children to feel
suicidal. Unfortunately too many survivors have acted out these
feelings, and way too many have died.
"Maureen",
a professor at a major university in the United States said she felt as
if she was "a bad, dumb, dirty, little girl" after an encounter with
her rabbi. Maureen was having a spiritual crisis, and needed guidance.
She went to someone she trusted. She did the right thing, yet the rabbi
had no training or experience dealing with abuse issues. He told her
that he didn't believe her. The rabbi not only knew Maureen's parents;
he also considered them to be his friends. The rabbi didn’t have the
education or training to understand that there could be a connection
between Maureen's eating disorder and the abuse in her home as a child.
During the encounter, Maureen disclosed she was crushed and described
that "her child within" her was emotionally devastated.
After
several attempts of connecting with other forms of spirituality,
Maureen decided that "organized religion wasn't for her". She came to
the conclusion that there was no such thing as a God. She even stated
"If there was, why would God allow these things to happen to me?"
Maureen
also figured that since the other rabbis she contacted, or other
religious leaders from other faiths could not answer her questions, then
the concept of a God was just a myth.
Times
are changing, Maureen is trying once again to connect with her
spiritual identity, along with hundreds (perhaps thousands) of other
adult survivors of all faiths.
Our religious leaders and communities are being given an opportunity to help heal some of these very deep wounds.
Many
adult survivors are filled with a lot of anger, mistrust, and sadness.
My hope is that everyone will open their hearts and be able to embrace
those who have been victimized as children, so that they can heal and
grow. This is not going to be an easy task.
We
all must realize there are thousands of survivors who feel as if they
have been "thrown away", not only by our spiritual leaders, yet by the
communities they grew up within.
As a society, we all have the responsibility to listen, learn and allow them to bear-witness.
The
truth is that we will also be forced to deal with our own personal
feelings. There is a possibility that those who mentor survivors, may
end up with symptoms of secondary post-traumatic stress disorder,
compassion fatigue, and or vicarious victimization. But as civilized
people, we MUST help them heal.
