(This
article was originally published by
The Awareness Center in 2004 and republished by The Times of Israel on
March 8, 2015. The article was co-authored with Michael J.
Salamon, Ph.D., and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH.)
Spirituality and Sexuality are very often
confusing issues for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for
several valid reasons. In families where the concept of God is present, a
child’s first representation of God is either of their parents or
through their parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a
view of God that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a
family of violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being
that is controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been
sexually violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a
sex offender. Survivors’ internalize a view of a punishing, abusive
God, who only allows bad things to happen to them because “God loves
them.” They live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their
thoughts, because God can read those and therefore punished for even
feeling angry, upset or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a
perception of the world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would
naturally question the veracity of a kind, loving God.
The
Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical educator
was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was “hateful.” The
commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or seduced young
women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual. Unfortunately, despite
this tradition to ostracize such offenders, Jewish communities have not
taken such a strong, responsible position toward molesters. Too often
when allegations of child molestation are brought to the attention of
community leaders, parents or relatives of victim’s are reminded that
discussing issues of molestation within the community or bringing these
types of allegations to the public would result in any number of
negative outcomes for the survivor. These consequences include
difficulty finding a marital partner of substance for not only the
survivor, but also other family members, or could result in the survivor
or family members of survivors not getting into good yeshivas
(schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of having to
relocate to another town as a result of the political pressures
following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to struggle with
their trust and belief in God so does the survivor’s family.
We have begun to discuss the possibility of a
correlation between assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According
to the most recently available data one in every three to five women,
and one out of every five to seven men, have been sexually abused by
their 18th birthday. As part of the healing journey, the majority of
survivors of abuse reach the point where they try to integrate what
happened to them on a spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs,
surrounded by individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors
often feel different. Jews have very different customs then that of
their Christian friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated
background, they may feel at a loss — unsure of what to do, or how to do
it while survivors from backgrounds that were more traditional and
included a Jewish education may feel betrayed by that background. The
confusion of the healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy
spiritual place within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor
of childhood abuse to do?
Up until now there have been very few
individuals who are “survivor friendly” in the Jewish community. We need
to start opening our minds and our hearts to begin listening to
survivors of childhood sexual abuse bearing witness. Just like holocaust
survivors, who were initially shunned, survivors of childhood abuse
need to be allowed to speak in order to heal, to be able to learn to
connect with God, to see God as something other then neglectful, abusive
and cruel. Those listening to these disclosures have a responsibility
to themselves, their families and to the survivors. It is vitally
important to make sure they have access to a support group conducted by a
trained facilitator who is experienced with compassion fatigue
(secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), so they are allowed to
debrief and maintain balance, after hearing the voices of survivors.
Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of
childhood sexual abuse. She indicated that she spent her life trying to
connect to something that was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over
the years she approached many rabbis asking them questions.
Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a lack of training, were unable to
help her understand either her questions or the concepts with which she
need the most help. Most had difficulty listening to her disclose her
abuse history. When Karen was a child, while her father was molesting
her, he would say “this is how you know God loves you . . . you know
anything that feels this good has to have come from God . . . this is
how you know God is inside you.” Knowing this information would be
critical in understanding Karen’s difficulties with the concept of God.
Yet most Rabbis doing outreach were unable to help her reframe her
experience and make it possible for Karen to learn to connect.
Rivka was in her teens when she first
disclosed to a friend that her father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her
father was also a principal of a school for young boys. Her friend told
her mother, who in turn, went to a local community leader to ask for
advice. Because of the stature of her father, the community leader
suggested they keep quiet about the abuse. As time went on, Rivka was
unable to cope. As a teen she ran into some difficulties and ended up
moving into the home of one of her classmates. Due to political pressure
within the community, the family that Rivka resided with was asked not
to daven (pray) in the synagogue they had been members of for years. The
family was dedicated to helping Rivka heal, and were not about to put
her out on the streets. Rivka eventually went to college, was able to
support herself financially, got married and is the mother of three.
Rivka came from a Torah observant upbringing, but from her experiences
with the denial of the community, she no longer practices. She feels
betrayed by her family, the Jewish community, and most importantly by
God. When speaking to community leaders of the town she was from, and
when her name is mentioned, they make comments such as she’s happy, she
is married and has children. But they are not completely correct.
Rivka’s is in mourning. She misses her biological family, she misses her
connection to her community and she feels that has no one to talk to
about her feelings about God.
Mitch grew up in family filled with physical
and sexual violence. The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents
made sure to enroll all their children in programs so that they could
learn about Judaism. There was a problem — Mitch was deaf. None of the
Jewish educational programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient
at lip reading and disclosed that he was bored and felt left out.
Growing up Mitch never felt that he was a part of his family since the
majority of his family members were not proficient in sign language. He
was alone isolated in his deaf world.
School was Mitch’s only respite. He was
enrolled in a school for the deaf, and could communicate freely with
people who could understand and relate to him. Growing up in the South
and being deaf meant that he didn’t have any Jewish friends. As he
reached high school, he wanted to be like his friends. Most of them went
to church. Mitch had no concept of God, and was like a sponge to learn,
to connect to something spiritual. Mitch’s concept of God was that of a
father who was filled with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish
community ever took the time to meet Mitch’s needs. He never was given
the opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings about his concepts
of God to anyone Jewish. But then the missionaries reached him. Like so
many survivors, the desire to feel loved was strong. His new friends
knew this and showed him unconditional love. He would do anything to
feel loved and cared for, and if it meant learning about another
religion, then he did it. When his family realized what was happening
they tried to rectify the situation, but again it was done in a way that
appeared to be an attempt to control and abuse him. Their attempt was
unsuccessful. To this day Mitch’s views Judaism as something that is
abusive and wrong.
The more our communities, and our leaders are
educated on the issues relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it
will be to help heal the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse.
Band-Aids can only cover up an infection. Our communities need to do
major wound care, some individuals may require “spiritual surgery,”
while others my just need a topical ointment. But together as a
community, as a people we can come together and heal the world.
