The Truth Is The Truth

Jewish Women Pioneering The Anti-Rape Movement

Cyberbullying Over 50: The Facebook Drama

(Originally published in The Chicago Examiner)

Facebook has been an amazing tool in which so many of us have been able to reconnect with long lost childhood friends. It has also been wonderful to be a part of small speciality groups created for those of us who grew up in the same community or town, elementary and or high schools.

I personally have been having a great time to being able to catch up with so many people who I haven’t seen in over thirty to forty years. It’s been fun learning where they’ve been, who they’ve seen and about the families and lives they have created for themselves.

For many of us in my age bracket, these specialty groups recreate a hint of what it was like growing up in the 1960s - 70s. Offering a sense of community -- even though many of our childhood friends have moved all over the United States and to as far away places as Australia, China, Italy, Great Britain and Israel. Because of Facebook, it’s as if we are all together again in our old neighborhood. Just chumming along as if we were still in high school.

The truth is with the reuniting of old friends there can also be the same sort of childlike behaviors and drama that went on when we were growing up. At times it feels as if those of us who use Facebook have created a soap opera.

The good part of any soap opera is that so many of us have reunited at various mini-reunions and gatherings –– and because of these parties, some old friends who were single started dating, and there have also been a few weddings.

Even though we grew up in the 1960s - 70s and that most of us are all in fifty-something bracket –– there have also been small group of friends who have been the target of cyberbullying by other classmates.Facebook has been an amazing tool in which so many of us have been able to reconnect with long lost childhood friends. It has also been wonderful to be a part of small speciality groups created for those of us who grew up in the same community or town, elementary and or high schools.

I personally have been having a great time to being able to catch up with so many people who I haven’t seen in over thirty to forty years. It’s been fun learning where they’ve been, who they’ve seen and about the families and lives they have created for themselves.

For many of us in my age bracket, these specialty groups recreate a hint of what it was like growing up in the 1960s - 70s. Offering a sense of community -- even though many of our childhood friends have moved all over the United States and to as far away places as Australia, China, Italy, Great Britain and Israel. Because of Facebook, it’s as if we are all together again in our old neighborhood. Just chumming along as if we were still in high school.

The truth is with the reuniting of old friends there can also be the same sort of childlike behaviors and drama that went on when we were growing up. At times it feels as if those of us who use Facebook have created a soap opera.

The good part of any soap opera is that so many of us have reunited at various mini-reunions and gatherings –– and because of these parties, some old friends who were single started dating, and there have also been a few weddings.

Even though we grew up in the 1960s - 70s and that most of us are all in fifty-something bracket –– there have also been small group of friends who have been the target of cyberbullying by other classmates.

Cyberbullying is a topic most of us want to believe only happen to children, yet the facts are that just as many adults are under attack. Unfortunately, many of those who cyberbully do so as a form of entertainment. As sickening as it may sound they do it for laughs or to get a reaction from others.

Often those who cyberbully will target those who are experiencing some sort of crisis in their lives. It is not unusual for cyberbullies to target individuals going through a divorce, the death of a loved one or someone experiencing a serious health condition.

Most cyberbullies gain some sort of gratification from harming someone else. Those who commit this type of crime are seeking attention, it doesn’t matter what type of attention, as long as they can provoke someone in a negative manor.

Cyberbullying occurs when a person or a group of people chooses to target another individual. They often will harass, humiliate, embarrass, threaten or do what ever they can to torment another individual.

Cyberbullies are often arrogant, emotionally immature, shallow and superficial, highly manipulative, vindictive, have superior sense of entitlement, and are often cowards.

What’s also important to be aware of is that a cyberbully will have no qualms about bullying anyone else who attempts to call them out on their behavior, by doing so the cyberbully will feel they are gaining power, control over others by creating chaos in other peoples lives.

If you or someone you know is being cyberbullied it is vitally important that you print out copies of the sites in which the hate against you or someone you know is being spread. By doing this you are creating a paper trail in which you can show others, and also provide proof this is occurring to you if you choose to take legal action. It is also important that you and everyone you know unfriend and block the person(s) causing chaos. It’s the only sure way to prevent the hate from spreading. It’s also important to be aware that in the State of Illinois along with almost every other state, bullying of any type including cyberbullying is considered a crime, and one in which could send a person to jail.

Cyberbullying Over 50: The Facebook Drama

© (2013) By Vicki Polin
Originally published by The Examiner on September 7, 2013

Facebook has been an amazing tool in which so many of us have been able to reconnect with long lost childhood friends. It has also been wonderful for us fifty-something year olds, to be a part of small specialty groups created by friends to help us connect with others who grew up in the same community or town, elementary and or high schools.

 I personally have been having a great time to being able to catch up with so many people who I haven’t seen in over thirty to forty years. It has been fun learning about where they all have been, who they've been hanging out with and also about the families and lives they have created for themselves.

For many of us in my age bracket, these specialty groups give us all a hint of what it was like growing up in the 1960s - 70s. Offering us all a sense of community -- even though many of our childhood friends have moved all over the United States and to as far away places as Australia, China, Italy, Great Britain and Israel. Because of Facebook, it’s as if we are all together again in our old neighborhood. Just chumming along as if we were still in high school.

The truth is with the reuniting of old friends there can also be the same sort of childlike behaviors and drama that gets played out, just as what went on when we were growing up. At times it feels as if those of us who use Facebook have created a soap opera. 

The good part of any soap opera is that so many of us have reunited at various mini-reunions and gatherings –– and because of these parties, some old friends who were single started dating, and there have also been a few weddings. 

Even though we grew up in the 1960s - 70s and that most of us are all in fifty-something bracket –– there have also been small group of friends who have been the target of cyberbullying by other classmates. 

Cyberbullying is a topic most of us want to believe only happen to children, yet the facts are that just as many adults are under attack. Unfortunately, many of those who cyberbully do so as a form of entertainment. As sickening as it may sound they do it for laughs or to get a reaction from others.

Often those who cyberbully will target those who are experiencing some sort of crisis in their lives. It is not unusual for cyberbullies to target individuals going through a divorce, the death of a loved one or someone experiencing a serious health condition.

Most cyberbullies gain some sort of gratification from harming someone else. Those who commit this type of crime are seeking attention, it doesn’t matter what type of attention, as long as they can provoke someone in a negative manor.

Cyberbullying occurs when a person or a group of people chooses to target another individual. They often will harass, humiliate, embarrass, threaten or do what ever they can to torment another person.
Cyberbullies are often arrogant, emotionally immature, shallow and superficial, highly manipulative, vindictive, have superior sense of entitlement, and are often cowards. 

What’s also important to be aware of is that a cyberbully will have no qualms about bullying anyone else who attempts to call them out on their behavior, by doing so the cyberbully will feel they are gaining power, control over others by creating chaos in other peoples lives.

If you or someone you know is being cyberbullied it is vitally important that you print out copies of the sites in which the hate against you or someone you know is being spread. By doing this you are creating a paper trail in which you can show others, and also provide proof this is occurring to you if you choose to take legal action. It is also important that you and everyone you know unfriend and block the person(s) causing chaos. It’s the only sure way to prevent the hate from spreading. It’s also important to be aware that in the State of Illinois along with almost every other state, bullying of any type including cyberbullying is considered a crime, and one in which could send a person to jail. 

Going "Off The Derech" Hurts!

By Vicki PolinExaminer - September 5, 2013

Walking away from a religious community is very similar to pain experienced when someone in your family dies or that of a close friend. It’s also not uncommon for OTD survivors to feel like they have been used or betrayed.

Jewish survivors of child abuse and/or neglect often have no other choice but to leave the families and communities they grew up in. This is especially true for those who grew up in an ultra-orthodox, insulated community. Many of these survivors have shared that they believed they had no other option -- or else they would have end up using drugs or giving up on life.

For Jewish survivors who grew up in secluded, insulated environments going “Off The Derech" (OTD) is like moving to another universe. Many of these survivors often do not know how to read or write in English, have very little education in secular studies, have never watched TV, gone to the movies, let alone used the internet. So even though this select group of people grew up in the United States, Canada, Australia, South Africa, Israel or any other country considered to be a part of western civilization –– they have no idea how to live in the secular world. Most have also never had friends from outside of their own communities.

Considering all of these facts, survivors who are OTD face many challenges. Leaving everything you know and love can feel devastatingly painful, especially because many have never learned how to identify, process or cope with their thoughts and feelings.

GOING OFF THE DERECH CAN FEEL: 


EXTREMELY PAINFUL, especially when a survivor realize’s that their own thought processes are different then those who live within their communities they were born.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a survivor starts to believe what they were taught was the truth –– begins to have cracks and they no longer can believe what they see as being falsehoods and or lies.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a survivors who has gone OTD, realizes their beliefs in God (higher power) are different then their parents, other family members or that of their communities. The same is true for the OTD survivor who realizes they no longer believe in God.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when an OTD survivor realizes that the community leaders and or family members they loved and trusted implicitly –– who taught them never to question authority –– were actually manipulating the survivor along with other community members.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when an OTD survivor believes they have been deceived –– that what they were taught was true Judaism was not, instead the begin to realize the dogma they were taught was nothing more then cult like propaganda.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a survivor going OTD realizes individuals who grew up in other communities are not "bad, evil, liars, cheaters or deceivers". The OTD survivors starts to realize that individuals who come from other movements within Judaism or who are not even Jewish are people just like themselves.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING when a survivor realizes their faith in God hasn't changed - only their trust in their rebbe, family and or their community has.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING when a survivors starts to ask questions or verbalize their thoughts and feelings about how the community is ran. Once a survivor reaches this point they are often accused by family members, friends and or other community members of being problematic, a trouble maker, psychologically disturbed or even dangerous.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when OTD survivors starts to be shamed, blamed, isolated and by lifelong friends, family members and or other community members –– because the survivor can no longer “play the game”.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL to a survivor who is in the process of going OTD –– when they realize that the love and acceptance provided by family members and community leaders was conditional –– “as long as they did what they were told to do when they were told to do it”.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for the OTD survivor when they reach the point that it is nearly impossible to cope with this extremely deep infectious wound -- bubbling up inside them –– when trying to suppress it all doesn’t work anymore. Let alone the survivors attempts at trying to forget hat happened to them doesn’t work.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for the OTD survivor when they realize they have to leave the only home and or community they have ever known. How does walk away from family members, your children, your friends, etc.?

IT’S EXTREMELY PAINFUL to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you –– to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to those you love –– when they no longer return phone calls. It’s extremely painful when you try and give a close relative a hug and push you away or stand like a statue, pretending you aren't there. It’s incredibly painful when those you love looks at you as if you were the most evil person on the planet and they teach your siblings children, nieces and nephews and cousins to hate you.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING to know that the survivor has no other choice but to start their lives all over again. Often survivors feel they have betrayed, disillusioned, and then become very suspicious of everyone including family, friends and other community members who might be trying to offer them support.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a OTD survivor find themselves feeling guilty or ashamed of where they grew up, the beliefs they were taught –– and/or the fact they have no other option but to walk away. Survivors in these types of situations often feel depressed, confused, lonely and isolated. It makes perfect sense that they might find it difficult to make decisions -- especially for those who never had to do this before -- because everything was decided for them by their rebbe or other community leaders.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a OTD survivor first walks away and has so much time on their hands. Prior to leaving their communities their lives were consumed with family responsibilities, learning, Jewish rituals and prayer. Now survivors have to find other things to do with themselves, which can leave them feeling guilty –– for not doing what they were taught to –– or even guilty for discovering new hobbies, which were thought to be sinful in their previous life.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for OTD survivors on shabbos or yom tovim. These are times in which family and friends gather. Survivors may find themselves alone with no where to go or friends to be with.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL at times when an OTD survivor feels as if they lost touch with reality or their feelings go numb. Often survivors go through periods of time where they feel as if they are just "floating" –– and at times consider going back to the security they felt living within a cultish community or cult involved family.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL when a survivor feels all alone and isolated. They don’t believe that anyone in the outside world can understand what they are experiencing. It’s also extremely scary when an OTD survivor feel that their sense of self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for the OTD survivor who grew up outside the frum world, when they realize that they gave up everything for a cultish lifestyle –– giving up on such as your continuing their education, career, finances, friends, families, etc.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL after leaving the cultish community, when an OTD survivor has to explain voided time in their work history when job seeking. They may also find they have no other choice but to go back to school to further their education after time away from their studies.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for a person who grew up outside of the religious world who walked away, to explain all those missing years to your friends and family. It’s also difficult to hear from those who love you “I told you so”.

EXTREMELY PAINFUL for the OTD survivor who grew up secular to realize that they had been deceived, that they alone were responsible for being taken in. These survivors may feel stupid, used and feel ashamed that they wasted so much of their time, energies and money living within the quasi-frum world.

IT’S EXTREMELY PAINFUL TO LEAVE THE FRUM WORLD

Many individuals who loose not only their families and communities, but a lifestyle go through a huge grieving process –– just as one would grieving a death.

There are no instant cures for the sense of loss, inability to trust, feelings of guilt, confusion, emotional pain, anger , and or disillusionment. It takes time to heal, and often the OTD survivors will need to find a licensed mental health professional who not only understand the issues of working with survivors of child abuse, yet also someone who has experience working with ex-cult members.

The truth is that with time many of the negative feelings will disappear and will be replaced with happiness, joy, a sense of peace, being able to trust again –– along with the ability to think for ones self independently.

YES at times the pain may feel unbearable, yet with time, patience and as an OTD survivor learns how trust again, develops healthy friendships and builds a new support system –– the feelings will lesson and the survivor will be able to live life outside of the quasi-frum world.