Walking
away from a religious community is very similar to pain experienced
when someone in your family dies or that of a close friend. It’s also
not uncommon for OTD survivors to feel like they have been used or
betrayed.
Jewish
survivors of child abuse and/or neglect often have no other choice but
to leave the families and communities they grew up in. This is
especially true for those who grew up in an ultra-orthodox, insulated
community. Many of these survivors have shared that they believed they
had no other option -- or else they would have end up using drugs or
giving up on life.
For Jewish survivors who grew up in secluded, insulated environments going “Off The Derech" (OTD) is
like moving to another universe. Many of these survivors often do not
know how to read or write in English, have very little education in
secular studies, have never watched TV, gone to the movies, let alone
used the internet. So even though this select group of people grew up in
the United States, Canada, Australia, South Africa, Israel or any other
country considered to be a part of western civilization –– they have no
idea how to live in the secular world. Most have also never had friends
from outside of their own communities.
Considering all of these facts, survivors who are OTD face many challenges.
Leaving everything you know and love can feel devastatingly painful,
especially because many have never learned how to identify, process or
cope with their thoughts and feelings.
GOING OFF THE DERECH CAN FEEL:
EXTREMELY PAINFUL,
especially when a survivor realize’s that their own thought processes
are different then those who live within their communities they were
born.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a survivor starts to believe what they were taught was the truth ––
begins to have cracks and they no longer can believe what they see as
being falsehoods and or lies.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a survivors who has gone OTD, realizes their beliefs in God (higher
power) are different then their parents, other family members or that of
their communities. The same is true for the OTD survivor who realizes
they no longer believe in God.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
an OTD survivor realizes that the community leaders and or family
members they loved and trusted implicitly –– who taught them never to
question authority –– were actually manipulating the survivor along with
other community members.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
an OTD survivor believes they have been deceived –– that what they were
taught was true Judaism was not, instead the begin to realize the dogma
they were taught was nothing more then cult like propaganda.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a survivor going OTD realizes individuals who grew up in other
communities are not "bad, evil, liars, cheaters or deceivers". The OTD
survivors starts to realize that individuals who come from other
movements within Judaism or who are not even Jewish are people just like
themselves.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING when
a survivor realizes their faith in God hasn't changed - only their
trust in their rebbe, family and or their community has.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING when
a survivors starts to ask questions or verbalize their thoughts and
feelings about how the community is ran. Once a survivor reaches this
point they are often accused by family members, friends and or other
community members of being problematic, a trouble maker, psychologically
disturbed or even dangerous.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
OTD survivors starts to be shamed, blamed, isolated and by lifelong
friends, family members and or other community members –– because the
survivor can no longer “play the game”.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL to
a survivor who is in the process of going OTD –– when they realize that
the love and acceptance provided by family members and community
leaders was conditional –– “as long as they did what they were told to
do when they were told to do it”.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for
the OTD survivor when they reach the point that it is nearly impossible
to cope with this extremely deep infectious wound -- bubbling up inside
them –– when trying to suppress it all doesn’t work anymore. Let alone
the survivors attempts at trying to forget hat happened to them doesn’t
work.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for
the OTD survivor when they realize they have to leave the only home and
or community they have ever known. How does walk away from family
members, your children, your friends, etc.?
IT’S EXTREMELY PAINFUL to
see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you –– to hear
the deafening silence when you try and talk to those you love –– when
they no longer return phone calls. It’s extremely painful when you try
and give a close relative a hug and push you away or stand like a
statue, pretending you aren't there. It’s incredibly painful when those
you love looks at you as if you were the most evil person on the planet
and they teach your siblings children, nieces and nephews and cousins to
hate you.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND CONFUSING to
know that the survivor has no other choice but to start their lives all
over again. Often survivors feel they have betrayed, disillusioned, and
then become very suspicious of everyone including family, friends and
other community members who might be trying to offer them support.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a OTD survivor find themselves feeling guilty or ashamed of where they
grew up, the beliefs they were taught –– and/or the fact they have no
other option but to walk away. Survivors in these types of situations
often feel depressed, confused, lonely and isolated. It makes perfect
sense that they might find it difficult to make decisions -- especially
for those who never had to do this before -- because everything was
decided for them by their rebbe or other community leaders.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a OTD survivor first walks away and has so much time on their hands.
Prior to leaving their communities their lives were consumed with family
responsibilities, learning, Jewish rituals and prayer. Now survivors
have to find other things to do with themselves, which can leave them
feeling guilty –– for not doing what they were taught to –– or even
guilty for discovering new hobbies, which were thought to be sinful in
their previous life.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for OTD survivors
on shabbos or yom tovim. These are times in which family and friends
gather. Survivors may find themselves alone with no where to go or
friends to be with.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL at
times when an OTD survivor feels as if they lost touch with reality or
their feelings go numb. Often survivors go through periods of time where
they feel as if they are just "floating" –– and at times consider going
back to the security they felt living within a cultish community or
cult involved family.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL when
a survivor feels all alone and isolated. They don’t believe that anyone
in the outside world can understand what they are experiencing. It’s
also extremely scary when an OTD survivor feel that their sense of self
confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for
the OTD survivor who grew up outside the frum world, when they realize
that they gave up everything for a cultish lifestyle –– giving up on
such as your continuing their education, career, finances, friends,
families, etc.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL after
leaving the cultish community, when an OTD survivor has to explain
voided time in their work history when job seeking. They may also find
they have no other choice but to go back to school to further their
education after time away from their studies.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for
a person who grew up outside of the religious world who walked away, to
explain all those missing years to your friends and family. It’s also
difficult to hear from those who love you “I told you so”.
EXTREMELY PAINFUL for
the OTD survivor who grew up secular to realize that they had been
deceived, that they alone were responsible for being taken in. These
survivors may feel stupid, used and feel ashamed that they wasted so
much of their time, energies and money living within the quasi-frum
world.
IT’S EXTREMELY PAINFUL TO LEAVE THE FRUM WORLD
Many
individuals who loose not only their families and communities, but a
lifestyle go through a huge grieving process –– just as one would
grieving a death.
There
are no instant cures for the sense of loss, inability to trust,
feelings of guilt, confusion, emotional pain, anger , and or
disillusionment. It takes time to heal, and often the OTD survivors will
need to find
a licensed mental health professional who not only understand the
issues of working with survivors of child abuse, yet also someone who
has experience working with ex-cult members.
The
truth is that with time many of the negative feelings will disappear
and will be replaced with happiness, joy, a sense of peace, being able
to trust again –– along with the ability to think for ones self
independently.
YES
at times the pain may feel unbearable, yet with time, patience and as
an OTD survivor learns how trust again, develops healthy friendships and
builds a new support system –– the feelings will lesson and the
survivor will be able to live life outside of the quasi-frum world.
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