Henry the 8th on Domestic Violence

Too Embarrassing To Offer Help?

© (2013) By Vicki Polin
Originally published by The Examiner on October 10 2013

Nearly 10 years ago while I was living in Baltimore there was a day I wasn't feeling well and ended up passing out in a parking lot. Just my luck I ended up falling face first, right on to the cement parking lot. Needless to say the next day I ended looking like someone I was someone's punching bag.

A few days after my fall I finally was feeling much better. I had to run some errands in preparations of the coming Shabbat (Jewish sabbath). At the time I was living within the Torah observant world. I kept kosher and Shabbat. I dressed modestly (wearing a long skirt which covered my knees and a blouse which covered my elbows and neckline). I was quiet embarrassed about going out in public looking the way I did, yet I needed to get things done. I did my best to muster up all the courage I could so I could step outside my front door.

My first stop was to go to "Seven Mile", which is the local kosher grocery store. As I walked from my car to the store, through the parking lot -- I noticed people staring at me. To be honest, I think I would have looked too considering how black and blue my eyes were and how swollen my face was.

As I shopped I was also extremely aware of the looks many women gave me who were also in the store. They all would turn away as soon as they noticed I saw them looking at me. I know they turned away in hopes of not embarrassing me.

I continued shopping and over heard two women talking. One of the women said to her friend very . . . "I wonder who beat her up?" I wish I would have said something, yet I didn't. I guess I didn't want to embarrass them.

I finally got out of Seven Mile and became apprehensive of going on to my next errand (which was to go to a non-kosher grocery store to pick up some items the first store didn't have). I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot of "Shoppers" for a minute, trying to muster up the courage to go in.

Within minutes of entering "Shoppers", I was approached by the first woman who saw me. She wanted to make sure I was OK. She also gave me a card with the local domestic violence hot-line number on it.  I remember thanking her and told her I really, "Just fell".

She gave me a hug and said, "Just in case, you have the number". As I walked through the non-kosher grocery store I was approached by at least a dozen women and a few men, all saying the same thing. All wanting to make sure that I was safe and that I knew there was help out there for me if I needed it. It was sort of funny because not one of them wanted to believe the truth, they all just wanted to make sure I was safe and that I knew, "no one had a right to hit me like that".

When I got to my car I started to cry, not because so many people approached me wanting to be helpful. I was saddened by the fact not one frum (orthodox) woman came up to me to offer me support. The reality is I wasn't embarrassed that so many people wanted to help me -- actually it was a relief to know that strangers really cared and if I needed help they were more then willing to be of assistance. I was grief stricken because my own people turned their backs on me.

If the orthodox world is unable to offer support to strangers who look like they were battered, how do we really expect them to help children who are currently being abused or help adult survivors?

Being an educated consumer: Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse/Assault

© (2012) By Vicki Polin
Originally published in The Examiner on September 13 2012

The history of the Anti-Rape Movement within Jewish communities worldwide really got started over fifty years ago when Marcia Cohn Spiegel realized her husband had been an alcoholic for many years. Marty did what many women did back in the 1950s ad 60s, and went to her rabbi and then a Jewish psychotherapist for help. Like in many problematic marital situations back then (and sadly what still goes on today) -- women were told that the it must be something they was doing wrong that would cause her spouse to drink. Marty was devastated and could never figure out what it was that she was doing wrong. It would take another ten years from the time she originally spoke with her rabbi that Ms. Cohn-Spiegel joined a feminist consciousness raising group. It was at that point she realized that she was NOT alone nor to blame for her husband’s behavior.

During the 1970s other Jewish women who were living with alcoholic husbands and or with domestic violence situations (which included cases incest and marital rape) began to communicate with each other. It was at that time that Marty realized that she had to take on a more active role and something to change the Jewish worlds view, attitudes and behaviors regarding these issues.

Marcia Cohn Spiegel had already received her undergraduate degree in psychology back in 1949, and had been an active volunteer in various non-profit groups, when she went back to get her graduate degree in 1976. She basically went back to school so that she could learn how better to help Jewish survivors.

Having the right education, training and supervised experience is critical to being able to really learn the best ways to help and advocate for others. Unfortunately, over the past few years the anti-rape movement within the Jewish community has been hijacked by a small group of people who feel they know what they are doing, even though very few of them have any specialized training in advocating for others, let alone in how to help guide survivors in the healing process.

Due to of the lack of training of these “lay advocates”, many survivors of sex crimes who have been reaching out for help are getting hurt. The scary part is that these “lay advocates” due not understand the importance of confidentiality, listening to the needs and wants of each individual survivor and often just follow their own personal agendas. 

Due to lack of training and these “lay advocates” are not certified or connected to a legitimate rape crisis center -- meaning there is no legal protections for those utilizing their services. If a “lay advocate” should breach confidentiality, there is no legal recourse that could be taken. It is as if you shared a confidential secret with friend and the confidential information was shared with others. There would be nothing legally that could be done, unless prior to sharing the information a confidentiality agreement was signed by both parties.
In the state of Illinois, along with several other states -- a certified rape victim advocate is protected from them being subpoenaed in court of law regarding what is shared between a survivor and the activist. Survivors can confide in rape crisis center counselors and advocates, knowing that they run little risk of having those communications disclosed publicly unless they consent to such disclosure.

It’s important for survivors of sex crimes to be educated consumers when they are asking for help. It’s great to have friends and family members who are supportive. For many, it’s a vital part of their own personal healing process. If you’re looking for help after being sexually victimized, one of the best places to start off is with your local rape crisis center. Not only can they offer you legal advocacy by legitimate activists, they also help direct you to both medical and psychological counseling by professionals who have the right training, education and experience. 

Over the years survivors from the Torah observant world have been afraid to go to agencies outside of their communities for fear the organizations would not understand their unique cultural differences and needs. Though each person’s wants and needs are different, it’s important to know that those who work in legitimate rape crisis centers have to have course work in cultural diversity training. Meaning, the majority of counselors, medical and legal professionals will do what they can to understand your unique situation. They are also bound by the confidentiality laws, which should reassure you that what you share with them will remain private. 

If you live in Illinois contact one of the rape crisis counseling centers associated with ICASA (Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault).

If you live in another state click here to find a legitimate rape crisis center in your community.

Dangerous Message - Aish HaTorah: Date From Hell

© (2007) Vicki Polin, MA, NCC, LCPC, ATR-BC

Click here to watch the video: Date From Hell

Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik

Sometime ago a rabbi sent the following link out to his mailing list promoting an online video, "Date From Hell", which was produced by Aish HaTorah. I have to admit that I was appalled at the message that was being promoted by Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik.

The short film revolved around the fact that everyone has an opinion and how important it is to keep your opinion to yourself or that you need to be extremely careful before offering it.

Palatnik went on to say that: "You need to know the difference between fact and opinion". She goes on telling the story about a young male Baal Teshuva, who was learning with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik.

As time progressed Rabbi Palatnik felt the man had "put his playboy lifestyle behind him." He wanted to know if Lori's knew any "girls" that she could fix him up with. Rabbi Palatnik said "the man wanted to get married."

Lori came up with a "great girl." After the date the woman called Lori and said "that was the date from hell." Later, Rabbi Palatnik asks Lori to fix the man up with another "girl." Once again after the second date the woman calls Lori saying "that was the date from hell." The same exact words as the first woman. Rabbi Palatnik once again requested that his wife fix the man up with a third woman -- this time Lori refused.

What is missing from the film is the reason why both women stated that "this was the date from hell." Was it because the man dressed funny or had a strange odor? Did the two women dating they think he was boring, rude, impolite, not gentlemanly enough, self-centered? Or could it be he was sexually inappropriate or had to do with some other issue regarding their safety? Without knowing this key information we cannot determine if dating this man was dangerous.

"Six months later the man got engaged to another great girl," stated Rebbetzin Palatnik. The woman was someone known to Lori. She continued by saying, "if this new woman was very lucky she never called her to find out about the man, because if she did -- she would have warned her to stay away."

Lori continued, "To this day the couple is happily married." She saw this as a life lesson and said "You can destroy things before they are started by giving your opinion...One woman's date from hell is somebody else's prince charming...You can stop things before they start by giving your opinion. You can destroy things once they are started by giving your opinion. Think before you speak. Keep your opinions to yourself"

There is some vital information missing from the Lori Palatnik film. She never let her viewers know why the two women called their experience with the man "the date from hell."

When I sent the video “Date From Hell” out to a few observant mental health professionals and survivors they made the following comments:

• It appears that the fear is really about 'lashon hara.'

• When two people had a terrible experience on a date with the same person the shadchan should be responsible enough to find out WHAT WAS WRONG before deciding to set up the man or woman again. The reality is that sometimes there is a serious problem. The person could be abusive towards women, for example. The clip gives the message that marriage is the priority above all else....Who cares what the issues are as long as they get married.

• Getting people married seems to be the ONLY goal in life....what happens after... Who cares?

• This is THE VIDEO FROM HELL. Another move toward the Taliban.

There are two very important books that everyone should read concerning dating in the orthodox world. They are “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures.” Urim Publishshing Co., and also another one that will come out next year: “Every Pot Has A Cover: A Proven Method for Finding and Enhancing Relationships. University Press of America.

Click here to watch the video: Date From Hell