Adult Survivors of Child Abuse: Grieving and Loss

Loosing Family Members Due To Child Abuse

Debriefing: Survivors of Child Abuse Testifying at Legislative Hearings

© (2015) By Vicki Polin

(Originally published by The Examiner)

There comes a time in the lives of several adult survivors of child abuse when they feel the need to do something pro-actively as a way of transforming their child abuse histories into something positive. It’s not uncommon for survivors when they reach this stage of healing to start volunteering time for various non-profit organizations that deal with sexual assault, write a book about their lives, go back to school so they can better help others, or even getting involved in the legislative process in hopes of helping to create better laws to protect children –– along with advocating for the civil rights of adult survivors. 

There are many pros and cons about going public and speaking out that really need to be considered. For that reason it is vitally important for survivors to discuss their thoughts, feelings and plans with trusted and supportive friends, family members, along with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience working with adult survivors. 

Going public in any venue about ones abuse history in hopes of helping others, is an extremely noble cause, yet it is also important to be aware of the risks (which you can read about in the article “Questions to ask yourself before disclosing, confronting or going public“).

Providing testimony at legislative hearings has its own set of issues, which can be extremely different then other types of public speaking engagements or even writing a book. Prior to testifying one may feel that the legislators will hear their words and want to respond in a positive way. Unfortunately, that is NOT what usually occurs. To understand the legislative process one must understand that what appears to be more important then hearing the testimony of survivors, is the lobbying that occurs both before and after legislative hearings. The politics of the legislative process involves favors being repaid, friendships and alliances and campaign contributions. 

Over the years I’ve spoken to hundreds of survivors, family members and others supporters, who provided testimony and shared that they felt extremely vulnerable, betrayed and devastated when the bills they testified for failed. Several survivors also shared that after providing testimony they felt suicidal. 

Unfortunately, at most hearings there was no plans made to have support people available for survivors to debrief with immediately afterwards, or individuals to follow up with for the weeks or months afterwards. 

Years ago I volunteered as a disaster mental health worker. My job was to help the disaster workers debrief after each event. Disaster workers were not allowed to leave the disaster site until after they debriefed and had a plan in place for them to continue to debrief for the next 72 hours –– or longer if needed. This sort of plan is something that should be in place any time a survivor or family member is expected to share their life experiences as a part of the legislative process. By doing this, we all can lesson the likelihood that these brave heroes will be re-victimizing themselves. 

If you are a survivor or a family member, perhaps you may want to rethink providing testimony unless this type of program has been set up by the organization which has been suggesting you speak out. If there is no program like this, then perhaps you can help organize one. It would be helpful for those who want to help debrief survivors along with others who testify, to learn how to help others by through a disaster mental health training, a suicide prevention program or rape victim advocacy training prior to the legislative hearing. It’s important for there to be follow up with those who testified as long as needed. Once again each survivor is different and the time in which they may need support can be from anywhere from 72 hours to a year. The goal is for everyone to feel as if they did something good, instead of feeling battered and abused by the legislative process.

Forgiveness?

Four hasidic sex abuse survivors died in the last month

Baruch Dayan Ha'emet - In Memory of Joey Diangelo

Joe Diangelo was the fourth hasidic survivor of child sexual abuse who lost their life to either suicide or an accidental drug overdoes in the course of the last month.

We all wish there was something we could do to turn all of this around, yet as long as there is a culture in which children are not believed (including adult survivors), the number of individuals who commit suicide or die from accidental drug overdoses will continue.

What happens in New York, also occurs in other insulated orthodox communities globally, such as in Baltimore, Chicago, Los Angeles -- and including far away places as Canada, Israel; Australia and South Africa. 

It sickens many of us greatly that to many Jewish leaders in both the hasidic and yeshivish worlds (worldwide) refuse to allow their followers to get legitimate help from licensed mental health professionals, who actually have the correct education and training to work with survivors of sexual trauma. Another major problem in these types of insulated communities is that it is common practice for survivors who wish to enter into psychotherapy to ask permission from their rabbi to do so. Once the rabbi agrees, the rabbi will instruct the individual which therapist to see. This type of approval in many communities is mandatory. 

Unfortunately, the mental health professionals (licensed and non-licensed) who the rabbis refer their congregants to, have a habit of violating confidentialities. 

Several hasidic and or yeshivish "professionals" believe they are required to share private information disclosed by their clients with the client's rabbi -- even though this type of information violates HIPPA or any other type of legally binding secular law. 

All too often the rabbonim from these communities will say that it is much better for survivors to speak with a rabbi or mental health professionals from within their own communities for cultural reasons -- with the belief the outside world would try to change their way of thinking, customs or religious beliefs. What the rabbis don’t broadcast is that they are aware that outside professionals are not under their control and would not violate the client / professional rules of confidentiality.

When a survivor goes outside the community for help, they are violating the rules and regulations of their community, which often leads to the survivor and or their family members being shunned -- meaning, they no longer are allowed to attend Jewish schools, synagogues or gatherings for other community members. If the survivor or their parents own a business, the rabbonim have the option of banning other community members from shopping or doing business with them.

Another custom appears to be that when it is learned that a adolescent or young adult survivor seeks help outside the community, and the survivor refuses to adhere to the rules of the rabbonim, the parents are often instructed to kick their children them out on to the streets -- which leads the growing population of homeless hasidic or yeshivish teens and young adults.

When an individual grows up in or joins an insulated community they don't have the same resources available to them as those who live in the secular world. They are taught not to trust outsiders. They are unaware of the resources available to them, and if they do reach out to the secular world for help, they are taught that outsiders will harm or kill them. The problem is about cult like practices that mimic mind control, and not about religion or faith.

Considering these disastrous traditions, we all must be made aware once again that blaming individuals who have been victimized is WRONG and all too often turns into a deadly mess.

A Thanksgiving Reminder

Deb Tambor and the Quasi-Chasidic Town of New Square

© (2014) By Vicki Polin

The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter - October 1, 2013

Rabbi David Twersky (Skvere Rebbe) and Deb Tambor Z"L

When you deal with a quasi-chasidic community that appears to be mimicking a cult, innocent people end up dying -- in the case of Deb Tambor I call this murder by suicide. 

Judaism is about each individuals relationship with G-d, and not the power and control various rabbonim seem to be implementing over their congregants and or community members. From the experiences shared with me from various individuals (OTD survivors) who walked away from communities like New Square, they left in hopes of being able to experience "Free Will". 

I've never seen so many young people feeling trapped within a system in which they felt they had no alternative but to end their lives. With the number of suicides coming out of New Square along with a few other quasi-chasidic communities, I fear the number of deaths will surpass the number of those who died in Jonestown. I pray to G-d all the time that the federal goverment will start investigating the "alleged" corruption that is going on in this town –– in hopes of preventing one more person ends up committing suicide. 

I want to remind everyone who is feeling hopeless or trapped that there is help available to you. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

A Yizkor Prayer for those who were abused as children

A Yizkor Meditation in Memory of a Parent Who Was Hurt
By Rabbi Robert Sax
Mahzor Lev Shalem - For Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
Published by The Rabbinical Assembly

Dear God,

You know my heart. 

Indeed, You know me better than I know myself, so I turn to You before I rise for Kaddish. 

My emotions swirl as I say this prayer. The parent I remember was not kind to me. His/her death left me with a legacy of unhealed wounds, of anger and of dismay that a parent could hurt a child as I was hurt. 

I do not want to pretend to love, or to grief that I do not feel, but I do want to do what is right as a Jew and as a child.

Help me, O God, to subdue my bitter emotions that do me no good, and to find that place in myself where happier memories may lie hidden, and where grief for all that could have been, all that should have been, may be calmed by forgiveness, or at least soothed by the passage of time. 

I pray that You, who raise up slaves to freedom, will liberate me from the oppression of my hurt and anger, and that You will lead me from this desert to Your holy place. —robert Saks

Child Abuse and the High Holidays

To Survivors of Incest and other forms of Child Abuse Regarding Father's Day

Father's day is approaching, if you are a survivors of incest, remember you are not alone.  Not all father's should or need to be honored.  Just like any holiday, be kind to yourself.  Surround yourself with people who inspire you to heal.

Remember you are good and always have been. What happened to you was a crime.  It's NOT your fault.

Mother's Day

© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

We have all been taught from a very early age to honor our mothers and fathers. This lesson can be extremely complicated for survivors of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Each year when "Mother's Day" comes around, certain expectations come along with it. All of us whose mothers are still alive are called to honor and reaffirm our love and appreciation for an individual who brought us into this world; a person who made numerous selfless sacrifices in her own life to raise happy and healthy children and support them through their path to adulthood. Unfortunately for survivors of childhood abuse, this day can be extremely difficult and confusing: for how does one spend a day seeped in honoring someone who had failed to live up to the very archetype of unconditional protection that the day celebrates and who at times may have been the very person responsible for the abuse?

Jonathan, a survivor, wrote us:

"Growing up my brothers and I would buy our mother presents. It was expected that our family would spend the day together and come evening my father would take us all out to dinner. Once I became an adult and started dealing with my abuse issues, it became difficult for me to attend family functions, especially this family function.

How was I to honor the very woman who was my offender? It's taken me years to be able to say 'I am a survivor of Mother-Son incest.' To this day my mother has never apologized for sexually assaulting me...and so I struggle honoring the kind of mother she is. This makes Mother's day a difficult day for me."

Nancy wrote:

"My mother was always very abusive to me as I was growing up. She even blamed me for her boyfriend raping me when I was eight-years-old! From that time on I'd tried being the perfect little girl; hoping that one day she'd forgive me... Every year as Mother's Day approached I'd go to our local card store and spend hours searching for the perfect card that will tell my mother how much she meant to me. I guess I figured that if I could find the right card she would start to love me again...

When I turned eighteen I moved out on my own. This was also the year when I first entered therapy. It got to be very difficult for me to buy my mom a Mother's Day card... For a few years I just got cards that were funny, but then it didn't feel right to do that anymore, either. Because you see, even the funny cards ended up saying stuff like 'what a great mom you were'... Finally I found a recovery bookstore that sold greeting cards and believe it or not they had cards that specialized in dealing with the very 'card-issues' those of us from 'dysfunctional families' have! I now send her cards that acknowledges the fact she gave birth to me, spent money raising me, and so forth; but don't go on to say how great a parent she was."

With the messages of picture-perfect mothering practically everywhere, Mother's Day is a time of year when it is NOT uncommon for survivors to have painful memories reemerge. When this happens a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in family functions (especially if the abuse wasn't acknowledge along with the complicated feelings that being hurt or unprotected by someone you love and depended on can bring up). It is important that survivors find what works best for them in order to stay emotionally healthy. While one survivor may find shunning Mother's Day altogether the safest, another may find that they do want to spend some time with their family, but set some boundaries as to how long they stay or where they spend this time. Other survivors may find it easier to make a phone call than to see their mother in person. Others yet may want to spend the day with friends or mentors. Some survivors have made Mother's day an opportunity for giving--they volunteer in orphanages and children's homes, call their local nursing home to find if there are residents without families who may appreciate a visitor on a day when other residents have family come, or spend time with an elderly or lonely neighbor. What is most important is that each person be kind to themselves, no matter what they decided. If you have a survivor in your family--you can help support them by respecting their decision, especially if they decide not to participate.

Marleen said:

"Every year when 'Mother's Day' approaches I get together with a group of my friends who are all survivors and we honor each other for helping ourselves re-parent ourselves."

Lou shared:

"Mother's Day has always been a very difficult day for me. My mother was not my offender, but I know she was more than aware of the physical violence that went on in our home. She'd be sitting there watching TV as my father chased me around the room and then beat me with his belt. I cannot honor my mother. However, I do celebrate Mother's Day with my wife and children--my wife is a wonderful woman and mother. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for having such a kind and loving life-partner."

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, it may be a good idea to check on them a few times on Mother's Day and let them know you understand.

If you are a survivor, maybe find a friend who is free and spend time with them. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mother's Day can be difficult not only because of its topic. Sometimes the day itself carries memories of pain. Holidays are a time when families tend to get together and routines are changed. There's often added stress of traveling, cleaning, and preparing meals. In healthy families this stress translates mostly as excitement and anticipation. Unfortunately, however, dysfunctional parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are often even more likely to do so when under increased stress and anxiety. Many survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse intensified around and during holidays, including Mother's Day.

Symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can at times intensify around holidays, or get temporarily triggered even after periods of relative remission. If you experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, try to remind yourself that these intrusions are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you find yourself beset by thoughts of self-harm or even suicide--reach out. Call a friend, a therapist, a hotline. You don't need to manage these overwhelming feelings alone.

Whatever you decided to do, remember that this is your life to live and that things can change with time--you may never want to have anything to do with your family or the holiday ever again, or you may find that several years down the road you are ready to make new or partial plans. You are not wrong or bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about if and how to celebrate holidays--any holiday! Look into yourself and identify what it is you need, then do your best to do it. Be kind to yourself as you make the adjustments you need to make.

And...most importantly...Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Surviving Passover: Jewish Survivors of Incest and other forms of child abuse

© (2003, Revised 2006) by Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH and Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

There are many issues surrounding holidays and childhood sexual abuse that have rarely, if ever been addressed in our communities. One of those issues pertains directly to surviving Jewish holidays.

It's not too surprising that many adult survivors of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) have difficult times during Passover (Pesach), as this time of the year can bring up painful memories of families get together and that routines are changed. Plus there is the added stress of cleaning your home top to bottom, preparing, and "doing it right." These issues alone can be extremely stress producing; yet in a home where violence occurred, would most likely lead to an increase of abuse.

Parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are even more likely to do so when under the pressure of increased anxiety.

Many survivors of childhood abuse report that they were abused more around and over a holiday period then any other time of the year. Remember Passover brings with it--on top of cooking and cleaning--an added financial burden.

This is written as a reminder to all survivors of child abuse -- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to emerge this time of year, even after times of relative remission and/or intensify in those already struggling.

It is not unusual for Survivors to experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. Thoughts of self-harm, even suicide, may be an issue. The important thing to remember is these feelings are about the past, the abuse is over, and that it is of utmost importance for you to be kind to and gentle with yourself.

Over the years we have spoken to many adult survivors who find it very painful to even consider going to a seder. This is OK. Someday you may feel different, but if the pain is too intense, it is important that you do things that can be healing. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and do what feels safe for you. If you have a rabbi that is sensitive to child abuse issues, discuss these issues with him or her.

One survivor shared that she felt uncomfortable not doing anything for Pesach, so she'd rent the "Ten Commandments" each year on Seder nights and watch it, forming her own ritual of remembering the events that lead to the Seder night. Another survivor would invite other Jewish Survivors over to her home and they would use "The Survivors Haggadah" for their services. Another person used the time before Pesach for "spring cleaning" her relationships--reconnecting with friends with whom she feels safe, airing out the achievements of the last year and making resolutions for added liberation from her past for the coming year. The survivors above found a way to celebrate a "modified" Pesach, but there are many others for who just try to survive this time of year by pretending that there is no such thing as Pesach.

The goal is for you to do things that are healing and brings about an emotional freedom. Remember you are not alone, not wrong, not bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about how to celebrate and if to celebrate the holiday.

Look into yourself and see what you need, then do what you can to do it. Be kind to yourself for needing to make these adjustments. And remember, when Bney-Israel left Egypt to walk toward a new era--they were walking from a place they knew, but was of pain, to a place unknown, but free. The essence of the Seder night is to remember, and ask why, and be expected to understand and participate only to the extent one can.

Have a gentle, safe holiday!

Soul Searching: Sexual abuse, cults, and missionaries

© (2003 ) By Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally publish by The Awareness Center

Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people; neither shalt thou stand idly by the blood of thy neighbor" (Leviticus 19:16).

Where is God? Is he/she really out there? If there really is a God why did he/she allow me to get hurt as a child? These are very common question amongst survivors of childhood sexual abuse. But why should we care? After all, Jews don't abuse their children! Or do they?

Unfortunately, in the past many Jewish survivors of sexual abuse have been met with denial, rationalizations, and blame from various "trusted officials" in the Jewish community when they'd reached out for help. It's still not uncommon for a survivor to go to various rabbinical authorities with their questions; and end up feeling rejected when they disclosed their abuse histories. Time after time adults who, as children, were subjected to sexual criminal activities, were told that the mere fact that they were disclosing their victimization was considered lashon hara ('derogatory speech, that is true'). Basically meaning the fact that they were speaking out, was wrong.

Did you ever stop and wonder "What happens to an individual who feels betrayed by their own community?" Some survivors may try to find another rabbi to talk to, but all too often doing so, seems like a futile task. After all, how many times does a person have to feel rejected? It is important to remember that survivors are not unlike ourselves--they are searching for answers. Jewish survivors of childhood abuse need to hear loud and clear that they were NOT and are NOT to blame; that God did not cause the abuse as some form of punishment. Survivors need to know that they are NOT innately "bad." However, when an individual is told that their disclosure in of itself is considered " lashon hara". . . what they hear is: "God hates me", "I must be the one who's bad." Keeping this in mind, where can a survivor of childhood sexual abuse go to for spiritual guidance? Especially when they already feel that they have been rejected by our rabbis and possibly the rest of our community. Many will continue on, searching for a spiritual identity. Sadly, all too often they fall prey to missionaries and cult leaders, or just drift into some form of eclectic spirituality.

Statistics in the United States depict that one out of every 3-5 women and one out of 5-7 men have been sexually abused by the time they reached their 18th birthday. General research about cult and cult-like groups indicate a high percentage of members who have been victims of childhood abuse. Unfortunately, at this time there is no data specifying the percentage of "Jewish cult victims" who have histories of childhood sexual abuse.

According to facts provided by Jews for Judaism, nearly 1.4 million of the approximately 5.5. million adults of Jewish parentage and/or upbringing in the United States, affiliate with or have converted to a religion other than Judaism. There are over 900 separate missionary groups targeting Jewish communities for conversion, with over $250 million spent annually.

The cult problem is so prevalent, that the chances of a family member joining a cult are greater than a family member catching chicken pox, four times greater than contracting AIDS, 90 times greater than contracting measles, and 45,000 times greater than contracting polio. (Dr. Paul Martin, director of Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center, Ohio). When we consider the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and joining cults in the general population, and in light on the above statistics, we need to face the very real possibility that there is a correlation between childhood sexual abuse and the numbers of Jews who leave Judaism. We desperately need to confront and address these problems.

Clearly, it is extremely difficult to even entertain the thought that Jews would abuse their own children, let alone that individuals who represent Jewish life and have a connection with Torah would. "How could they (e.g. Rabbis, teachers, youth leaders) do anything so terrible as commit sexual offenses against our children"? The problem is that when these issues are brought up, they are met with denial, dismissal, protection of the alleged offender(s), and various other forms of rationalizations.

All too often both professionals in the field and survivors will hear things such as: "Why bring the stuff up now?" "Why muddy up people's reputation, after all the good they've done for so many?" Once again, we need to be reminded that innocent children are getting hurt. When we deny someone who has been violated a voice, we face loosing them to other religions. When we turn a blind eye, we are saying that it is okay for our children to be the next ones hurt.

We are all aware today of what's happening in the Catholic Church. However, Jewish communities around the globe have been guilty of same or similar actions. As a community, we need to stop discounting survivors stories, rationalizing that they couldn't have happened, and/or covering up the truth. We need to stop blaming victims. It's time to break this cycle!

Nothing would make us happier than to be able to say that the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities, but sadly it is not. "Letting by gones be by gones" is hardly the way to start healing the deep wounds many in our community are suffering. We can no longer go along with saying "an event happened such a long time ago, why talk about it now, just get past it." Please note that for many victims of sexual abuse, time may past, but on an emotional level the abuse just happened. They develop something called: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

We need to let the victims/survivors of sexual crimes have a voice (the actions done to them were criminal offenses)--they need to be heard, and validated, not be re-victimized. It is important that we stop telling them to "hush up." Remember the statistics: one out of every 3-5 women, and one out of every 5 -7 men in our communities were most likely sexually victimized as children. If we want to keep them Jewish, it's time that we BELIEVE our children (and the adult survivors).

As a people, we need to do something NOW. We can't allow one more child to be hurt. If we do, we face the fact that another disillusioned Jew may fall prey to another missionary and/or cult.

Rabbis Of The World . . . Can You Hear Me Now?

Reprinted by Permission © (2003) By Kelly Greene

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

Dear Rabbis of the World,

How can I get your attention? Will you stop what you are doing and take the time to learn about me and childhood sexual abuse?

I'm writing you this from my heart. I know that my words represents the thoughts and feelings of thousands of Jewish survivors of childhood sexual abuse when I say that we have been calling out to you for generations.

We have been begging you to help us. As a result, we have had doors slam in our faces, and have been excommunicated by our families, friends and our communities. We need this to stop. We want to work with you, and help you learn. We want to make the world a safe place for children. We want to make the Jewish community a safe place for adult survivors. We want to work towards the goal of all of us becoming one nation.

I know that over the years many survivors have been investigating why you don't know about us (or childhood sexual abuse). We don't blame you. But we need to make changes today, right this second.

We understand the majority of yeshiva's don't educate rabbis on abuse issues. We understand that most of you are afraid of the topic, and hence afraid of us. Our presence makes you feel uncomfortable. Our essences remind you of the evils that lurk in the world. But to end this evil, we need to work together as a team.

I know for myself that I know nothing about God. In the past I have seen God and any form of organized religion as evil. I still see God as an abusive force. I have difficulties wanting to have a Jewish identity. I will admit, I have been hurt by the Jewish community. I keep asking myself, why would I want to be a part of something that has hurt me?

I need you to help me see things differently. I need you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I need to hear you explain why I was abused. I need you to explain what purpose it all serves. I need you to communicate with me on a level that I can understand.

Over the years I've spoken to many abuse survivors, who have questions for you. All to often we feel that you turn away from us. In the past you have told us our disclosures were lashon hara. We ended up feeling that we were the cause of our own victimization. The truth of the matter is that ignorance is to blame. We need to terminate this ignorance. We need to have a dialog. Please answer the questions we have for you, help us understand. Please don't be afraid of us.

Can we start a dialog? Can I ask you questions about God, and will you ask me questions about victimization and surviving? Can we work together as a team? Can you teach me not to be afraid of you, and God? Can I teach you not to be afraid of me?