Adult Survivors of Child Abuse: Grieving and Loss

Loosing Family Members Due To Child Abuse

Debriefing: Survivors of Child Abuse Testifying at Legislative Hearings

© (2015) By Vicki Polin

(Originally published by The Examiner)

There comes a time in the lives of several adult survivors of child abuse when they feel the need to do something pro-actively as a way of transforming their child abuse histories into something positive. It’s not uncommon for survivors when they reach this stage of healing to start volunteering time for various non-profit organizations that deal with sexual assault, write a book about their lives, go back to school so they can better help others, or even getting involved in the legislative process in hopes of helping to create better laws to protect children –– along with advocating for the civil rights of adult survivors. 

There are many pros and cons about going public and speaking out that really need to be considered. For that reason it is vitally important for survivors to discuss their thoughts, feelings and plans with trusted and supportive friends, family members, along with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience working with adult survivors. 

Going public in any venue about ones abuse history in hopes of helping others, is an extremely noble cause, yet it is also important to be aware of the risks (which you can read about in the article “Questions to ask yourself before disclosing, confronting or going public“).

Providing testimony at legislative hearings has its own set of issues, which can be extremely different then other types of public speaking engagements or even writing a book. Prior to testifying one may feel that the legislators will hear their words and want to respond in a positive way. Unfortunately, that is NOT what usually occurs. To understand the legislative process one must understand that what appears to be more important then hearing the testimony of survivors, is the lobbying that occurs both before and after legislative hearings. The politics of the legislative process involves favors being repaid, friendships and alliances and campaign contributions. 

Over the years I’ve spoken to hundreds of survivors, family members and others supporters, who provided testimony and shared that they felt extremely vulnerable, betrayed and devastated when the bills they testified for failed. Several survivors also shared that after providing testimony they felt suicidal. 

Unfortunately, at most hearings there was no plans made to have support people available for survivors to debrief with immediately afterwards, or individuals to follow up with for the weeks or months afterwards. 

Years ago I volunteered as a disaster mental health worker. My job was to help the disaster workers debrief after each event. Disaster workers were not allowed to leave the disaster site until after they debriefed and had a plan in place for them to continue to debrief for the next 72 hours –– or longer if needed. This sort of plan is something that should be in place any time a survivor or family member is expected to share their life experiences as a part of the legislative process. By doing this, we all can lesson the likelihood that these brave heroes will be re-victimizing themselves. 

If you are a survivor or a family member, perhaps you may want to rethink providing testimony unless this type of program has been set up by the organization which has been suggesting you speak out. If there is no program like this, then perhaps you can help organize one. It would be helpful for those who want to help debrief survivors along with others who testify, to learn how to help others by through a disaster mental health training, a suicide prevention program or rape victim advocacy training prior to the legislative hearing. It’s important for there to be follow up with those who testified as long as needed. Once again each survivor is different and the time in which they may need support can be from anywhere from 72 hours to a year. The goal is for everyone to feel as if they did something good, instead of feeling battered and abused by the legislative process.

Forgiveness?

What were the child protection laws like in 1903

A Yizkor Prayer for those who were abused as children

A Yizkor Meditation in Memory of a Parent Who Was Hurt
By Rabbi Robert Sax
Mahzor Lev Shalem - For Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
Published by The Rabbinical Assembly

Dear God,

You know my heart. 

Indeed, You know me better than I know myself, so I turn to You before I rise for Kaddish. 

My emotions swirl as I say this prayer. The parent I remember was not kind to me. His/her death left me with a legacy of unhealed wounds, of anger and of dismay that a parent could hurt a child as I was hurt. 

I do not want to pretend to love, or to grief that I do not feel, but I do want to do what is right as a Jew and as a child.

Help me, O God, to subdue my bitter emotions that do me no good, and to find that place in myself where happier memories may lie hidden, and where grief for all that could have been, all that should have been, may be calmed by forgiveness, or at least soothed by the passage of time. 

I pray that You, who raise up slaves to freedom, will liberate me from the oppression of my hurt and anger, and that You will lead me from this desert to Your holy place. —robert Saks

From the Heart

© (2010) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC
Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

I'm sharing the following with you, because I know I am not the only person who has ever experienced what I'm about to share with you.  It's a topic which I doubt has really ever been discussed in detail in any public venue.

Several years ago I saw an elderly couple walking in a parking lot of a mall in my home town.  The couple looked very familiar to me, yet I was having a difficult time placing them.  As I got closer I realized who they were. . . I said, "hi mom, hi dad".  They looked at me, said hello and then wished me a good day as they went on with their day.  These were two people who I spent the first eighteen years of my life with.  Though they are biologically my parents, they are virtually strangers to me.  

Today is my father's 78th birthday. It's such an odd thing to say that I haven't known my father since he was 47. He's been out of my life for over 30 years.

I know that I am not the only adult survivors of child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) that is confronted with not knowing what to do, nor how to feel when birthdays, mother's day, father's day and or other holidays or anniversaries come around.   For me, these types of days often leaves a void of emotions and feelings. 

I know that several other adult survivors of child abuse may also need to separate from their families to heal, yet often keep it a secret for fear of being shamed or looked at as being different. I felt that it was important to share my experience in hopes of helping others realize that they are not alone, and to know that they do not need to keep their silence any longer.  

I also felt the need to acknowledge my father's special day some how.  I guess this note is my way of saying "Happy Birthday Dad".

To Survivors of Incest and other forms of Child Abuse Regarding Father's Day

Father's day is approaching, if you are a survivors of incest, remember you are not alone.  Not all father's should or need to be honored.  Just like any holiday, be kind to yourself.  Surround yourself with people who inspire you to heal.

Remember you are good and always have been. What happened to you was a crime.  It's NOT your fault.

Forgiveness and The High Holidays

© (2009) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Considering it is the month of Elul (a time for self-examination, meditation and prayer), many of Jews around the world are emotionally and spiritually preparing for the High Holidays.  

I was recently discussing the term "forgiveness" with a group of people on Facebook.  One of the individuals in the conversation suggested "forgiveness, helps us to heal our past," another suggested that, "forgiveness, means being able to get on with your life".  A third person suggested,"forgiveness does not change the past". Forgiveness is about the present moment. It transforms us in the moment so we can go forward doing teshuvah and Tikkun Olam.

After advocating for survivors of sex crimes for so many years, I don't believe one needs to "Forgive" to heal. I also personally do not believe the term "forgiveness" means giving up our hope for a better past. I think acceptance is a much better word for that.

I also disagree with the notion that the only way to "get on" with your life is to forgive, again I think the word acceptance for what happened is really the key.

I think Saint Francis of Assisi said it best. Please note he does not use the word forgiveness in the serenity prayer:  "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

There are times in which one can forgive someone, there's other times when I think acceptance of what happened is all one needs to strive for or accept into their life's reality.

The question I pose was -- Do you forgive someone who has committed a heinous crime against you?  I personally believe it depends on the situation. If someone was a drunk driver and killed a friend or relative, are you required to forgive them?  What if someone came into a bank and murdered someone dear to you?  Or if you were are a survivor of a sex crime, do you have to forgive your offender or should you be told the only way to heal is to forgive? I personally don't think believe it is true or necessarily to heal and know many survivors who have healed without forgiveness.

What if a murderer or a rapist asks for forgiveness, then are we required to give it? I just have a difficult time with blanket statements. They can harm those who need to feel empowered. I think it's a good spiritual exercise for people to have choice on the matter of forgiveness. I also think the only spiritual being who can give absolution is G-d.

I'm not trying to be nick picky, the problem is that the language we use can hurt those who need to be protected, honored and respected, especially when they choose not to forgive.

Passover Prayer On Behalf of Abused and Neglected Children

(2007) Author Unknown

The prayer below was written for protective parents and their loved ones, child abuse advocates, and all who care about children to recite at their passover seder.   A spring onion is added to the seder plate, or placed on the table as a symbol.

The Passover Seder is a time to celebrate our freedom and remember those who still struggle for the freedoms they deserve. Freedom from tyranny, violence, and oppression is a core value for us as our ancestors have known slavery, and our heart goes out to the enslaved and the imprisoned of any race, culture or creed. Tonight we remember a group of individuals often forgotten, trapped by a kind of slavery so cruel, that society often looks the other way---children (including adult survivors of child abuse) enslaved in lives of abuse.

Today I remember ____________ (fill in name of a child or children you know trapped in lives of abuse. or substitute... "these children.") Though many of us have tried to free them, the Pharaohs in our generation have blocked our efforts or looked the other way. Our hearts ache knowing the pain these children live with day after day. They are not forgotten. With this prayer we share our commitment to find a way to liberate them from their lives of exploitation and tyranny.

This spring onion on the Seder plate is our symbol for these children and their plight. The shape of the onion reminds us of the whips used on slaves to keep them subjugated. The tears we shed from the onion remind us of the silent tears of these children waiting for rescue. The newness of the onion reminds us of the promise of hope, that one day these children can grow healthy and free from the tyranny they are living with today.

We pray for the wisdom to find an effective path to liberate these children. We pray for the courage to stand up to the Pharaoh's of our generation and speak the truth of what we know. We pray for the strength and fortitude to keep on fighting for their freedom.

May these children (including adult survivors) soon know the sweetness of freedom from violence and oppression and share Passover Seders and other celebrations of freedom, safely, with loved ones next year!

Amen.

Mandated Reporting

Surviving Hanukkah: Jewish Survivors of Childhood Abuse

© (2005, Revised 2006), Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Hanukkah is for many a time filled with wonderful memories of rushing around to purchase gifts and cards for loved ones; of families and friends getting together, lighting the Menorah, eating potato pancakes, and singing the traditional songs.

However, for survivors of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse), this festive time can be a time where painful memories reemerge. It is not unusual for survivors to need to make decisions about how to best keep themselves safe during the holiday: some may need to spend time with friends who understand their conflicted emotions toward the holiday, some may need to limit their time with their families, while others may not feel safe spending the holiday with family at all. Even for those who make alternate plans, there is often a sense of loss of the loving, healthy family they never had or the memories they wish they'd had. Hanukah--like other times where families traditionally get together--can be a difficult time for those who no longer have contact with family members due to the degree of dysfunction that was (and often still is) in their family.

This is a time of year when a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in holiday functions--the associations and memories may be too painful, too emotions too close to the surface. This is not a failure or wrongdoing, but can be seen as yet another aspect of the aftermath of abuse in the family. It is important that each individual survivor finds what works best for him or her so that they can optimize their ability to stay emotionally healthy. If you decide to be with your family and are nervous about how you'd feel about it, it can be helpful for you to designate ahead of time a 'safe person' with home you can debrief afterwards or call if things get tough while with family. It is vitally important that each person be kind to themselves about the decisions they make for holiday plans. The rest of us need to respect the survivor's decisions, and to understand that they may decide not to participate in Hanukah events.

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, maybe you can take upon yourself to check in with them over the eight-day holiday. Maybe invite the survivor to your house for lighting the menorah or a family meal, and if they say no let them know they can change their mind and come at the last minute. Remind them they are not alone, that you are there. That you understand.

Holidays are often times for families to get together. School may be out, vacation days may be taken; routines are changed. In many families there is--along with the excitement and happiness of getting together--an added stress of cleaning and preparing meals, sometimes financial issues over not being able to afford the kind of holiday celebration one might want.

It is a reality that some parents have difficulties managing their own stress and are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges. Such parents are often even more likely to do so when under the pressure of increased anxiety, close quarters with their own family of origin (and it's pressures), and holiday stress. Though clearly not all stressed-out parents abuse their children, many survivors of childhood abuse do report that their abuse became more intense around and during holidays.

If you know parents who struggle to manage stress, see if you can discretely and gently offer them your support: Maybe offer to take care of the children for a bit, to take them on an outing or host a meal; maybe provide the parents with information about resources available in their community (such as parental hotlines in your community). Be a friend. By allowing the parents some time for themselves and offering venues for relief, you can greatly assist in the parents in managing their anger and stress.

If you are a survivor, remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It is not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to re-emerge even after times of relative remission and/or intensify in those already struggling. If holiday times are difficult for you, you may experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. Thoughts of self-harm, even suicide, may be an issue. The crucial thing for you to remember is that these feelings are about the past; that the abuse is over and it is of utmost importance for you to be kind to and gentle with yourself. To stay safe.

Over the years we've spoken to many adult survivors who admitted that they find it very painful to even think of being around family members, even around friends. This is sad, but it is OK. Someday you may feel different--many survivors do with time--but if the pain right now is too intense, you need to do what is healing for YOU and set boundaries to what feels safe for you.

One survivor shared that she felt uncomfortable not doing anything for Hanukkah, so she'd rent movies that she found carried an empowering theme for her. Another survivor invited other Jewish Survivors over to his home and together they created their own 'tradition' that felt healing and empowering.

Whatever works for you is OK. You are not alone; not wrong; not bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about how to celebrate and if to celebrate the holidays. Look into yourself and see what you need, then do what you can to do it, and be kind to yourself for needing to make these adjustments.

Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Suicide Prevention

The National Hopeline Network

1-800-SUICIDE

National Child Abuse Hotline

1-800-4-A-CHILD (24 Hours a Day)

National Runaway Switchboard

1-800-621-4000

Growing up Paddled, Belted, Switched or Swatted - Spanking is Never OK!

© (2006) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, Michael J. Salamon, PhD, FICP; and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

USA Today recently published an article stating that one of the few things that America's top business executives have in common is that almost all of them were regularly spanked, paddled, belted, switched, or swatted when they misbehaved as children. The report also stated that both male and female executives were spanked at just about the same rate.

The tone of the article makes one wonder if the report's logic seems to be that being spanked as a child somehow helped the CEOs achieve their positions. One must also wonder, however, how much better the CEOs would be--as people as well as managers and achievers--had they NOT been spanked . . .

Maintaining the same strange sort of logic presented by the article, one has to wonder if these same CEO's utilize corporal punishment as a way to keep their employees productive? If not, perhaps they should explain why? If spanking their employees to improve discipline isn't something they endorse, how do they explain spanking children, who are young, physically smaller, dependent, vulnerable, and with no recourse of a grievance process?

Violence is violence. Humiliation only teaches shame and anger. As long as we--and rightfully so--teach our kids that they can't 'spank' their friends or siblings when their friends or siblings do wrong, yet we allow and endorse the spanking of children by their parents; there's a double standard to violence which is difficult to understand and balance out.

University of New Hampshire sociology professor Dr Murray Straus said: "Evidence points to corporal punishment as detrimental. If some spanked children grow up to be successful, even billionaires, it's like saying, go ahead and smoke because two-thirds of smokers don't get lung cancer."

Research shows that spanking is correlated with later antisocial behavior, and that children who are spanked are much more likely to be aggressive to peers at school.

The use of corporal punishment all too often teaches a child to resolve problems using violence. It also can lead to depression, low self-esteem, and problems with self-worth. There are nonviolent techniques parents can learn to discipline their children, teach them right from wrong, and help them acquire focus and self-discipline. Today's parents would do well to take time to learn nonviolent ways to discipline their children, instead of repeating what they often endured themselves as children.

Corporal punishment against a child is wrong. Before you hit a child, stop and think: how did you feel when your parents used it on you? How would you feel if your neighbor or a stranger on the street struck your child in a similar way?

Children need direction and boundaries, but if we cannot muster self-control, if we cannot utilize nonviolent ways to teach them, how can we expect them to do so?

Considering the harm caused by the use of any form of corporal punishment against a child, The Awareness Center, Inc. advocates against it.

Mother's Day

© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

We have all been taught from a very early age to honor our mothers and fathers. This lesson can be extremely complicated for survivors of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Each year when "Mother's Day" comes around, certain expectations come along with it. All of us whose mothers are still alive are called to honor and reaffirm our love and appreciation for an individual who brought us into this world; a person who made numerous selfless sacrifices in her own life to raise happy and healthy children and support them through their path to adulthood. Unfortunately for survivors of childhood abuse, this day can be extremely difficult and confusing: for how does one spend a day seeped in honoring someone who had failed to live up to the very archetype of unconditional protection that the day celebrates and who at times may have been the very person responsible for the abuse?

Jonathan, a survivor, wrote us:

"Growing up my brothers and I would buy our mother presents. It was expected that our family would spend the day together and come evening my father would take us all out to dinner. Once I became an adult and started dealing with my abuse issues, it became difficult for me to attend family functions, especially this family function.

How was I to honor the very woman who was my offender? It's taken me years to be able to say 'I am a survivor of Mother-Son incest.' To this day my mother has never apologized for sexually assaulting me...and so I struggle honoring the kind of mother she is. This makes Mother's day a difficult day for me."

Nancy wrote:

"My mother was always very abusive to me as I was growing up. She even blamed me for her boyfriend raping me when I was eight-years-old! From that time on I'd tried being the perfect little girl; hoping that one day she'd forgive me... Every year as Mother's Day approached I'd go to our local card store and spend hours searching for the perfect card that will tell my mother how much she meant to me. I guess I figured that if I could find the right card she would start to love me again...

When I turned eighteen I moved out on my own. This was also the year when I first entered therapy. It got to be very difficult for me to buy my mom a Mother's Day card... For a few years I just got cards that were funny, but then it didn't feel right to do that anymore, either. Because you see, even the funny cards ended up saying stuff like 'what a great mom you were'... Finally I found a recovery bookstore that sold greeting cards and believe it or not they had cards that specialized in dealing with the very 'card-issues' those of us from 'dysfunctional families' have! I now send her cards that acknowledges the fact she gave birth to me, spent money raising me, and so forth; but don't go on to say how great a parent she was."

With the messages of picture-perfect mothering practically everywhere, Mother's Day is a time of year when it is NOT uncommon for survivors to have painful memories reemerge. When this happens a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in family functions (especially if the abuse wasn't acknowledge along with the complicated feelings that being hurt or unprotected by someone you love and depended on can bring up). It is important that survivors find what works best for them in order to stay emotionally healthy. While one survivor may find shunning Mother's Day altogether the safest, another may find that they do want to spend some time with their family, but set some boundaries as to how long they stay or where they spend this time. Other survivors may find it easier to make a phone call than to see their mother in person. Others yet may want to spend the day with friends or mentors. Some survivors have made Mother's day an opportunity for giving--they volunteer in orphanages and children's homes, call their local nursing home to find if there are residents without families who may appreciate a visitor on a day when other residents have family come, or spend time with an elderly or lonely neighbor. What is most important is that each person be kind to themselves, no matter what they decided. If you have a survivor in your family--you can help support them by respecting their decision, especially if they decide not to participate.

Marleen said:

"Every year when 'Mother's Day' approaches I get together with a group of my friends who are all survivors and we honor each other for helping ourselves re-parent ourselves."

Lou shared:

"Mother's Day has always been a very difficult day for me. My mother was not my offender, but I know she was more than aware of the physical violence that went on in our home. She'd be sitting there watching TV as my father chased me around the room and then beat me with his belt. I cannot honor my mother. However, I do celebrate Mother's Day with my wife and children--my wife is a wonderful woman and mother. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for having such a kind and loving life-partner."

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, it may be a good idea to check on them a few times on Mother's Day and let them know you understand.

If you are a survivor, maybe find a friend who is free and spend time with them. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mother's Day can be difficult not only because of its topic. Sometimes the day itself carries memories of pain. Holidays are a time when families tend to get together and routines are changed. There's often added stress of traveling, cleaning, and preparing meals. In healthy families this stress translates mostly as excitement and anticipation. Unfortunately, however, dysfunctional parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are often even more likely to do so when under increased stress and anxiety. Many survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse intensified around and during holidays, including Mother's Day.

Symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can at times intensify around holidays, or get temporarily triggered even after periods of relative remission. If you experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, try to remind yourself that these intrusions are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you find yourself beset by thoughts of self-harm or even suicide--reach out. Call a friend, a therapist, a hotline. You don't need to manage these overwhelming feelings alone.

Whatever you decided to do, remember that this is your life to live and that things can change with time--you may never want to have anything to do with your family or the holiday ever again, or you may find that several years down the road you are ready to make new or partial plans. You are not wrong or bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about if and how to celebrate holidays--any holiday! Look into yourself and identify what it is you need, then do your best to do it. Be kind to yourself as you make the adjustments you need to make.

And...most importantly...Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Surviving Passover: Jewish Survivors of Incest and other forms of child abuse

© (2003, Revised 2006) by Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH and Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

There are many issues surrounding holidays and childhood sexual abuse that have rarely, if ever been addressed in our communities. One of those issues pertains directly to surviving Jewish holidays.

It's not too surprising that many adult survivors of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) have difficult times during Passover (Pesach), as this time of the year can bring up painful memories of families get together and that routines are changed. Plus there is the added stress of cleaning your home top to bottom, preparing, and "doing it right." These issues alone can be extremely stress producing; yet in a home where violence occurred, would most likely lead to an increase of abuse.

Parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are even more likely to do so when under the pressure of increased anxiety.

Many survivors of childhood abuse report that they were abused more around and over a holiday period then any other time of the year. Remember Passover brings with it--on top of cooking and cleaning--an added financial burden.

This is written as a reminder to all survivors of child abuse -- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to emerge this time of year, even after times of relative remission and/or intensify in those already struggling.

It is not unusual for Survivors to experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. Thoughts of self-harm, even suicide, may be an issue. The important thing to remember is these feelings are about the past, the abuse is over, and that it is of utmost importance for you to be kind to and gentle with yourself.

Over the years we have spoken to many adult survivors who find it very painful to even consider going to a seder. This is OK. Someday you may feel different, but if the pain is too intense, it is important that you do things that can be healing. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and do what feels safe for you. If you have a rabbi that is sensitive to child abuse issues, discuss these issues with him or her.

One survivor shared that she felt uncomfortable not doing anything for Pesach, so she'd rent the "Ten Commandments" each year on Seder nights and watch it, forming her own ritual of remembering the events that lead to the Seder night. Another survivor would invite other Jewish Survivors over to her home and they would use "The Survivors Haggadah" for their services. Another person used the time before Pesach for "spring cleaning" her relationships--reconnecting with friends with whom she feels safe, airing out the achievements of the last year and making resolutions for added liberation from her past for the coming year. The survivors above found a way to celebrate a "modified" Pesach, but there are many others for who just try to survive this time of year by pretending that there is no such thing as Pesach.

The goal is for you to do things that are healing and brings about an emotional freedom. Remember you are not alone, not wrong, not bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about how to celebrate and if to celebrate the holiday.

Look into yourself and see what you need, then do what you can to do it. Be kind to yourself for needing to make these adjustments. And remember, when Bney-Israel left Egypt to walk toward a new era--they were walking from a place they knew, but was of pain, to a place unknown, but free. The essence of the Seder night is to remember, and ask why, and be expected to understand and participate only to the extent one can.

Have a gentle, safe holiday!

Nobody's Child: Surviving without a Family

© (2006) By Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

One topic rarely discussed by survivors of childhood sexual abuse is the issue of going through adulthood without a family. This very difficult reality is one that many survivors feel ashamed of.

There are many reasons why an adult survivor might not have contact with their family of origin. Some grew up in foster-care or were adopted into other families. Others lived with their families during their childhood, but as adults they felt the need to create a separation in order to heal. In other situations survivors may have been cut off by their families following disclosures and/or confrontations. Regardless of the way in which the separation occurred, many Jewish survivors end up feeling alone and confused. Many may not have anyone close enough to turn to, or are too embarrassed to speak about their feelings. This can be especially trying during times of need.

Adult survivors are often overwhelmed by a sense of shame when discussions of Shabbat, Holidays, or plans for other celebrations come up. Younger adults may feel that everyone but them goes "home" for the holidays, and often struggle with feeling inferior to those who have homes to go to. Going home might not be an option for these survivors, either because of potential risk to their personal, emotional, and physical safety, or because they have been disowned by family members and are no longer welcome in their parents, siblings, or other relatives' homes.

It is important to be aware that sometimes being invited to another family's home for Shabbat and other Simchas (celebrations) can open up a can of worms. The experience can be overwhelming to an adult survivor of any age. Every family has its own set of customs and rules, jokes, rituals, and history, and to an outsider, adjusting can be difficult. When someone comes from a violent family and put in to such a situation it would not be uncommon for memories of abuse to surface. Being with a loving family can also awaken acute feelings of longing and jealousy. The survivor may have to deal with the fact of how different and painful celebrations were for them during their childhood, resulting in an emotional reaction, which results in a deep sense of loss and grief for what they never had nor will have.

All too often adult survivors feel a deep yearning to be invited somewhere but are embarrassed to tell anyone. They do not want to appear as if they are needy or begging, and don't want their friends to feel as if they "have to" be invited. Some survivors might not be able to manage the kaleidoscope of emotions that going to someone else's house for a holiday or Shabbat may bring up. They may feel safer if they spend the holidays alone. Some survivors avoid the topic of holidays completely or make comments such as "I don't 'do' holidays." Others might feel the need to make up a story of where they'd been in an attempt to ward off the feelings of shame that come with admitting that they had no where to go to, that no one invited them, that they are "rejects."

While Holidays are notoriously difficult for survivors, there are other times when survivors are faced with the painful ramifications of their abuse and/or their disclosure of it.

If a survivor does not have a health care proxy, their parents and then their siblings are automatically legally obligated to make life and death decisions for them if they are unable to. This may not be the survivor's choice yet if they do not have a health care proxy signed prior to a medical emergency this is the standard hospital/medical procedure. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may have no one to write as a health care proxy, no one to care for them when they are ill, to escort them to and from medical tests and appointments. A survivor may have no one to go to when they are in need of money, help, or advice. They may have no one to list as "next of kin" on medical records or on bank notes. Can you imagine how awkward you'd feel in their place? Can you imagine the shame a survivor might experience?

Survivors of abuse who are cut off from their families are orphans, maybe not in the traditional sense of the word, but definitely in the social and emotional sense. While we may never be able to completely take away the feelings of loss and grief that survivors almost without fail--have to deal with, there are ways with which we as a community can help.

One way we can assist, is by inviting the survivor into our family's circle--by making him or her part of our holidays, celebrations, even our sorrows--by giving the survivor a new family to belong to and be accepted by. As described above, this may be difficult for the survivor and yet it is the best way to help them. "Laura," an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse was regularly invited to her closest friend's family functions. "The Cohen's" were aware of Laura's childhood and wanted her to feel at home with them. Time and again they told her that their family was her family, even joked that they should legally adopt her and change her last name to Cohen. At first, Laura felt uncomfortable with this concept. She always thought of herself as a "throw away child," as someone not worthy of having a family and could not figure out what the Cohen's saw in her. She questioned whether she could trust their acceptance of her as real. However, with time she really felt as if she was a "Cohen." Within a year Laura already knew everyone in the family: aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, and felt accepted by them all. Then something happened. Maybe if Laura wasn't a survivor and wasn't told over and over that she was part of the Cohen family, it wouldn't have had such an impact on her. The Cohen family had a big get together with all of the cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents, but Laura was NOT invited... She was devastated and felt re-victimized. What the Cohen's did not know was that Laura's estranged family of origin would have family functions and let her know about them but would not invite her. Perhaps if the Cohen's had been aware of this they would have made sure to invite her, too. Laura felt too ashamed to share how her family treated her. She was afraid that if others found out they would believe she was a horrible person. Laura never told the Cohen's how she felt. She didn't tell them how upset she was for not being invited. She just pulled away.

"Scott's" story is another example of a frequent issue that survivors deal with. His family of origin played him--he would get invitations to family functions and events, only to receive a phone call ten minutes before he left the house for the event, with a sibling saying "if you come, then mom and dad won't come, so please don't show up." He faced an excruciating dilemma--if he told anyone about the event (i.e., his sister's wedding, his nephew's birth) he would then have to admit that he never went to the event. He often ended up feeling like he needed to lie and say that he was "too sick with stomach flu" to go. How could he say that he was suddenly asked not to come and not feel ashamed that he was unwanted, and not feel guilty for making his family appear terribly cruel? If "Scott" had an alternate family, a home in the community where he felt he was welcomed and accepted, his family's manipulations would not have been as devastating. Scott would still need to deal with the fact they toyed with him but would not be dependent on them for acceptance and community. He would have other events and celebrations and holidays to participate in as a deserving equal. He might even muster the courage to confront his family and tell them how unacceptable their behavior was and that they need to either include him as part of the family or leave him alone. He might have even been able to make the statement that he no longer depended on them...

One of the many outcomes of the prolonged stress that comes with trauma and abuse is that survivors often have health problems, and issues regarding family also come up during their time of medical need. "Janice" had to have surgery and the doctor's office called her with pre-op directions. They reminded her that she'd need to have "a family member" come to pick her up from the hospital. Janice was panic stricken--she'd been cut off from her relatives for a few years now... She felt terribly embarrassed and didn't want to tell the nurse that she had no family to bring. Janice felt that if she gave voice to her family situation she would admit to being a "reject." Fortunately, Janice had a good friend who was happy to come pick her up. Janice remembered a few years earlier, when she wasn't able to find a friend who was available due to their work schedules. Back then, Janice had no one to come pick her up. She was unable to find anyone to take her to a doctor's appointment, no one to make her a cup of tea and bring some groceries, no one to check on her while she was recovering at home. These are the realities many survivors of child abuse face on a daily basis. How would handle life if you had no one to turn to?

Acknowledging the reality of abuse is upsetting not just for survivors of abuse. Many people who hear about someone who is a survivor feel helpless to make things better. They don't know what they can do to help; do not want to face the reality that even when the abuse is over, not all is well, and survivors still face many challenges, loneliness, and pain. However, the good news is that there IS a way to help and there IS a way to make a significant change for the better in a survivor's life. Survivors are often "orphaned" by their family, but yours can bring them hope and give them a place to call home. This doesn't mean that you need to take responsibility for the survivors--many survivors are more than able to care for themselves (after all, they made it through the abuse part...) but it does mean to offer friendship and support.

If you know of someone in your community who is a survivor of childhood abuse, make it a priority to get to know him or her. Know that it is very likely that he or she is dealing with loneliness and estrangement from their family. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you want to happen if you were lonely? Invite them for a Shabbat meal, to a holiday celebration, to an event. Let the survivor know that they are welcome in your home, that you care, that it is okay to call on you in time of need and that you'd do your best to be there for them.

Abuse causes incredible loneliness, but this loneliness need not continue--it is in your power to become a messenger of healing and hope by opening your heart and home, and teaching others around you to do the same. Together, your community can heal the hidden wound of being Nobody's Child. 

Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda

Child Abuse Vs. White Collar Crime

Father's Day and Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (2003) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Most people don't stop to think about, or understand how difficult it can be for survivors of childhood abuse on holidays (which include mother's day and father's day).  These days can bring back memories (flashbacks), make someone who doesn't have contact with their families to feel depressed, lonely, out of place, etc. 

If you are a survivor this is a reminder to do something good for yourself; go for a walk, ride your bike, go to see a good movie, and if you feel the need -- it's OK to cry. Some people find it helpful to to be with others who either lost their father or also won't be with family members.  Those who will have contact with their families may have to make special plans to debrief with a good friend afterwards. 

Like all holidays, it's important that you take time out to celebrate YOUR life.  Many survivors have to re-parent themselves, on both father's day and mother's day don't forget to celebrate the parent-within.

Guidelines For Disciplining Children Who Have Been Abused

(This article was originally published in 1995 and reprinted by The Times of Israel on July 3 2015)

Disciplining children who have been abused can be a real challenge! And while there is no single method which has been proven to work for all children, the following tips represent what mental health professionals who work with and/or study child behavior have learned.

Using the discipline techniques outlined in this pamphlet, in combination with what you already know about your child(ren); will help you to develop the best and most effective way to set appropriate limits. Remember children learn best when you practice consistency in your discipline techniques. 

Tip #1  Physical: means punishments that are inappropriate, ineffective, and harmful to children!

This includes spanking, hitting, pinching, whipping, slapping . . . Spanking children teaches them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. There is a fine line between spanking and abuse. In addition, it simply does not work. Children, especially children who have been physical and/or sexually abused, often have learned how to dissociate themselves from pain. Basically, being hit or hurt in some way is nothing new to abused children. Spanking is also tremendously humiliating for your child. No child should be made to feel that way — it leads to shame and low self esteem, which in turn lead to further behavior problems. Spanking kids can lead to a vicious cycle. Hitting children is a way to take out your anger on a child (this should never be the guiding emotion behind any punishment). In short, spanking benefits the spanker more than the spanked. When you feel like hitting a child, go into another room, hit a pillow instead. Once you’ve cooled down, then you’ll be ready to go back and deal with the child.

Tip #2  Positive reinforcement works wonders. It is much easier to increase a positive behavior than it is to decrease a negative one. In simple terms, that means if you lavish praise on your children when they do well, they will continue to do the right thing. It is much easier to get a child to “keep up the good work”, than to get a child to stop doing something which gives him/her lots of negative attention. But if you give lots of

Remember children thrive on attention, (either positive or negative attention).

Tip #3  Use the time out method. If you isolate a child for a certain amount of time when he or she gets a little unruly, it gives him/her a chance to cool down. If a child is misbehaving, give a warning that he/she will need to go to a “time out”, if the behavior does not stop. The most important part of the warning is following through with the warning. If the behavior does not stop, send the child to a chair or a corner for a few minutes (depending on the child’s age . . . 1 minute for each year). Use a kitchen time to make sure the time out is exactly as long as you say it will be. One important lesson learned by giving a warning prior to “time out”, is that the child learns there are choices in ones life.

If you spank a child, you teach him/her violence. If you yell at a child, you teach him/her shame. If you use choices and fair, NONVIOLENT consequences, you teach the child that he/she has power to effect his/her own life, and that he/she can make a choice to behave or not to behave (and suffer the consequences of a “time out”).

Too Much Pressure?

1. Take some deep breaths. Remember, you are the adult
2. Remember that good parenting must be learned and, at times, is very demanding. It’s okay to ask for help to improve your parenting skills.
3. Close your eyes and think about what you want to say. Don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
4. Put your child in a ‘time-out’ chair (one minute fore each year of age).
5. Think about why you are angry. Does the situation call for such a reaction?
6. Phone a friend.
7. Splash water on your face.
8. Turn on some music
9. If someone can watch your child, take a short walk

Communication Tips

1. Gently touch your child before you speak
2. Say their name.
3. Speak in a quiet voice.
4. Look at your child in the eye so you can tell if he/she understands.
5. Bend or sit down-get on your child’s level.
6. Give children the same courtesy and respect you give your adult friends.
7. Encourage talking by asking about your child’s day or asking his opinion about important things.
8. Children are never too young or too old to be told “I love you”.

Praise

Find opportunity to praise your child, it is the best way to encourage good behavior. Be observant and you will find many.

Ways to praise your child:

1. Way to go.
2. I’m proud of the way you did that.
3. Thank you
4. I knew you could do it.
5. Good job.
6. Excellent.
7. I trust you.
8. You mean the world to me.
9. Beautiful work.
10. I love you.
11. Well done.
12. Good for you.
13. You’re terrific.
14. Great discovery.
15. Fantastic work.
16. Job well done.

Children need discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment. It is a way to teach a child appropriate behavior.
2. Set reasonable, clear and consistent rules and limits. Do not change from day to day.
3. Ignore negative behavior. Children ‘act up’ to get attention.
4. Let children help with your daily activities and give them responsibilities that fit their capabilities.
5. Show children how to correct what they’ve done wrong, by apologizing, cleaning up, etc.
6. Determine appropriate discipline for misbehavior.
7. Change the environment. Remove the child from the situation.
8. Talk to your child about self control and how t make better choice
9. Avoid yelling. Speak in a clear, serious tone of voice.
10. Rejection, Withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another can be as damaging as physical abuse.

 If you say “NO” too much, it loses impact.

1. Try words other than “non” like “stop”, “oh”, or “wait”.
2. Call your children by name when warning them.
3. Explain the situation to them.
4. Anticipate conflicts and address it before it happens.
5. Suggest alternatives to unacceptable behavior. Explain you love them, but there is problems with their behavior.
6. Listen to your children. You may change your mind.