Lives are NOT ruined, yet may be altered.

How Do You Spell Relief?

How Do You Spell Relief?

© (1997) Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC 

Do you ever feel like you want to crawl out from your skin? Or that the walls are caving in on you? What can you do? Many people jog, work out at the gym, scream under railroad tracks (so no one can hear them), or even pound on pillows. But you can't always do those things when you are at work or out in public. Here are two alternatives, that you can do just about anywhere to help elevate stress from your life. 

One of the most important things is to breathe (inhale and exhale). Breathing is a natural way to reduce stress. When we breathe we allow oxygen to get to our brain. When you bring oxygen to your brain you can think more clearly. Another suggestion is to keep a bottle of bubbles in your purse or brief case. Instead of going outside and lighting up a cigarette, you can always blow bubbles. Not only are you helping yourself to inhale and exhale slowly (which will reduce your stress level), you are also helping the people around you to relax. Everyone enjoys watching bubbles float through the air. Ok, I'll admit it. . . if you are out in public people may start staring at you at first, but before you know it you'll have started a new trend. Just about everyone enjoys blowing bubbles. 

There's one more fantastic stress reducer. When was the last time you played with clay. Some times just squeezing the clay between your fingers can be soothing. Other times pounding it on a table will do the trick. You can even make your own and keep it with you at all times in ziplock bags. 

Below is a recipe for making Play Dough. You can make several different colors just by dividing up the dough and adding different color food colorings. The play dough will last for several weeks by keeping it in a zip lock bag. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Play Dough

4 cups White Flour
2 cups Salt
2 tablespoons Cream of Tartar 2 teaspoons Food Coloring
1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
3 Cups Water
1 Large Pot

Mix dry ingredients in large pot, then add food coloring, oil, and water. Mix well. Turn stove on high, mixing with a wood spoon. Once dough becomes thick remove from pot on a plate. Wait a minute before kneading with your hands. Store play dough in zip lock bags.

What You Can Do When Parents Mistreat Their Children in Public

Developed by Parents Anonymous, Chicago, IL

1. Sympathize with the parent. Say something like, "He/She seems to be trying your patience," or" My child used to get upset like that."

2. Divert the angry attention away from the child. Strike up a conversation with the adult, Ask a question or direction, anything to provide a distraction and the time for the parent's anger to subside.

3. Compliment or praise the parent or child. Say something positive. "What a big, strong boy you have! How old is he?" or It's a lot of work to shop with a toddler. You have my admiration for managing it!"

4. Offer sympathy and help. Sometimes a parent's anger is fueled by some embarrassment at the fuss the child is making. "Children sure can wear you out! Is there anything I can do to help?" "Taking kids out to eat is hard! I'm sure everyone here is remembering that and giving you credit for your patience."

5. Alert the store manager if you are concerned about the child's physical safety. Ask someone with authority over the parent to communicate that, "This is a safe place for children. We do not spank here."

6. Quietly stand guard if the child is being neglected and is in jeopardy. For example, a child left unattended in a grocery cart or a toddler on a street or at a parking lot curbside.

DO NOT give dirty looks or make snide remarks. Disapproval or anger will only increase the parent's anger and make matters worse. If someone else in a store or restaurant is clearly disapproving, step in and be an obvious ally to the parent by offering a kind remark or some help.

Comfort zone - Three alumni put mind, body and spirit in harmony at The Awakening Center

By Carla Beecher-Moehn
UIC Alumni Magazine - January/February 1997 (Volume 1, Issue 2)

Making people feel comfortable is the goal of therapists Amy Grabowski (left), Victoria Polin and Kate Fiello.

“More than anything, we want people to feel comfortable and safe here," said Amy Grabowski, M.A. ’86, the director and founder of the Awakening Center on North Lincoln Avenue just south of Belmont. So it’s no coincidence that visitors are greeted in the center’s small waiting room by classical music playing quietly, herbal teas sitting in a box waiting to be steeped and literature offering information on such topics as sexual abuse, eating disorders and surviving trauma.

As the literature suggests, the Awakening Center’s therapists counsel people for depression and anxiety and specialize in eating disorders and physical, mental and sexual abuse.

Of the four therapists who staff the center, three are UIC alumni. Grabowski earned a master’s in art therapy. Victoria Polin, M.A. ’91 received a master’s in art therapy, and Kate Fiello, M.S.W. ’89, a movement therapist, received a master’s in social work. The fourth associate, Marianne Evans-Ramsay, is a licensed and registered dietitian/nutritionist who specializes in disordered eating.

The four women not only share a home-like office space, complete with comfy couches and pictures on the walls, but also a similar philosophy about the need for the mind, body and spirit to work in harmony.

"Whether it’s with individuals or groups, each of us works toward helping clients establish a balance and harmony within themselves," said Grabowski. "We help them achieve a sense of calmness, compassion and inner strength within their core self."

"The result," she continued, "is a feeling of balance and the ability to love the person that they were meant to be."

Grabowski started the center two years ago after running a private practice for seven years. She wanted a place that would offer counseling, treatment and solace for those suffering from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. She also wanted to help couples and parents who needed help with communication and parenting skills. As a result, the center’s staff provides clients with a safe haven from their fears. Some clients also need to work out such traumatic experiences as incest, rape, physical and/or mental abuse, and even the anguish of political terrorism.

As a creative therapist and a licensed clinical professional counselor, Grabowski specializes in women’s issues, especially eating disorders, body image problems and anxiety. She uses art therapy and phototherapy to help her clients work through their problems.

"I focus on emotional attunement," she said, "and use a theory called Internal Family Systems Therapy whose goal is to create an inner peace and cooperation among the personality’s different parts."

The theory’s premise is that people have many facets of themselves — some are in harmony and some are polarized. The therapy tries to create a balance between them.

A basket on the coffee table in Grabowski’s office holds figures that clients use to help them understand themselves better: there are Barbie dolls, gargoyles, a potato person, an Oreo cookie figure, a witch, an angel and mythical figures.

"These figures represent different aspects of ourselves," she said while setting up several of the dolls. "We use them to symbolize the relationship between the parts. There are pairs of parts that are polarized in extreme roles — which is often where problems arise.

"As we try to get the two parts to become less extreme and more in balance, clients begin to see how one part of them may be very critical of the part of them that is fearful or playful.
"They set up a sort of diorama with these figures that helps them talk with each part of themselves individually, as opposed to having their many parts arguing in their head all the time."

Clients pick one figure to represent their core self. "I like to call that figure the conductor — it’s conducting the orchestra of our different selves. Many people don’t have a good feeling about who that part is. While we’re uncovering who that person is, the figure is always on the table so they can see what they’re working toward becoming."

When Grabowski uses phototherapy, clients bring in several photos of themselves at various young ages. If they were traumatized, a part of them is typically stuck at that age and may keep reliving the experience. Grabowski makes a photo copy of the picture which the client uses to draw on or cut out for use in a collage.

"People have strong feelings toward themselves at a certain age," she continued. "With the photos, they can see themselves and it often softens their feelings about who they were then. They become more compassionate toward that part of themselves. They think, ‘I was so young.’ There are many aspects of therapy that tap into those parts, unburdening them or letting go of something from the past."

Kate Fiello uses movement to help clients get back in touch with their bodies. Many of her clients have eating disorders like anorexia nervosa or may be overweight.

"Many of my clients are disconnected from their bodies — they may view them as a bad object and have difficulty relating to it," said Fiello from the large office that serves as a studio for the movement and art therapy sessions. The space is comfortable and warm.

Fiello’s clients have undergone some type of abuse or trauma that has caused them to separate their minds from their bodies. Fiello’s goal is to get them back in touch with their bodies through movement in hopes that the reconnection will free them from the fear of feeling their bodies.

"I start slowly, because at some level, my clients realize they need to be in their bodies to heal, but they’re terrified of their bodies because that’s where they were traumatized."

Fiello, who is a licensed clinical social worker, begins with breathing awareness — clients begin to notice the rhythm of their breath. What does it feel like? Where is it moving? Does their chest move, their stomach? Is there a part of the body that’s not letting the breath in? What might that tell them about how they’re feeling?

"For instance, when you’re scared, your breath shortens and your chest tightens up," Fiello said. "When you’re relaxed, the breath is more fluid. I want my clients to gently listen to their breath and then scan their body from head to toe to see how it’s feeling. Is their head light or heavy? It’s basic kinesthetic sensing and gets them to start being comfortable with their bodies."

Most of her clients are women who are stuck. They intellectually understand their eating disorders — they know all the dynamics of the disorder in their head, but they haven’t integrated it with their bodies. They’re emotionally repressed. The sensing exercise brings them closer to those feelings.

According to Fiello, many of these women fear that if they get in touch with their feelings, they’ll explode. They don’t have a sense of where their bodies begin and end.

"They think, ‘If my body feels numb now, how will I deal with all the emotions once I start feeling again.’ So I help them with their body boundaries and we try to modulate the degree of the feelings."

One woman in a session with Fiello got angry and had the urge to kick her feet, but was afraid that if she really let her feet feel her anger, she might kick apart the room. So Fiello regulated her kicking from one to 10. Once the woman reached the highest level and kicked the hardest at 10, Fiello helped her control it and bring it back down to one.

"It doesn’t have to be overwhelming," Fiello said. "They can learn to feel a little bit at a time."

A highly distorted body image is a hallmark of anorexia. It is hard to fathom how anorexics think they are fat when they are literally wasting away. To gauge how far off their image is of themselves, Fiello asks new patients to close their eyes and measure with their extended hands how wide they think their hips are. They then lower their arms and open their eyes to see how much wider they imagine themselves to be than they really are.

It’s also common for overeaters to imagine they are smaller than they truly are, added Fiello.

"Culturally, we are just not taught to be in tune with our bodies. We’re taught to intellectualize."

One reason trauma victims become anorexic, according to Fiello, is on an unconscious level, the smaller they become, the less they’ll be seen, and, therefore, won’t get hurt.

"Many times my clients don’t know how to say no or how to stand up for themselves," Fiello said. "To protect themselves, trauma survivors dissociated from their bodies when they were being abused — they just left their bodies and went away in their minds. So over time, when things get stressful, they have the same reaction, which leaves them powerless. I try to teach them to be present in their bodies and become aware of that pattern of dissociation. Then they can start taking care of themselves.

"By thinking of their body as a container, they can feel their boundaries and take control of their lives.

"I love seeing people come alive again, when they begin to embody themselves again. I get to witness the fullness of them. Their personalities become richer as they grow and evolve. It’s wonderful to help them find that."

Vicki Polin also loves seeing her clients grow and change.

"I like watching people fulfill their dreams and wishes and do the things I know they can do," she said.

Polin, who works with victims as young as age 4, directs the Trauma, Recovery and Empowerment Services at the center. Also a licensed clinical professional counselor and a registered art therapist, Polin uses an eclectic approach of both verbal and creative therapies.
"Because many of us get stuck in self-defeating and unfulfilling life patterns in an attempt to re-create our own personal universe, psychotherapy offers a way to rediscover our own potential and bring a balance of mind, body and spirit," Polin said.

Previously, Polin coordinated an international organization for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and has volunteered as a rape crisis advocate in hospitals.

"That job inspired me to get a master’s in art therapy from UIC in work that I thought was important," she said.

Last January, Polin started a free group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse at the Awakening Center. The group meets Saturday mornings at the center and represents people from all racial and economic backgrounds. When Polin found that men weren’t attending because of the stigma attached to being sexually abused as children, she changed the name of the program from survivors of sexual abuse to survivors of childhood trauma.

"All of the sudden, I started getting Holocaust survivors and victims of political terrorism. It was very interesting how things opened up."

But no matter what the abuse, the ramifications were the same: having low self-esteem, being unable to do things they wanted to do, and having flashbacks and nightmares — the same symptoms as post traumatic stress disorder.

Polin has noticed a new trend in clients: children of Flower Children.

"Lately I’ve seen several clients who grew up traveling across the country in a van with their parents where there was free sex, and drugs and alcohol abuse," noted Polin. "It’s a whole different kind of abuse that we haven’t paid attention to. These young adults, who are now in their 20s, had very little structure. Some of these people try to be free and wild, but they’ll have flashbacks of their parents having sex, which can be traumatizing to a 3- or 4-year-old child. These clients are trying to figure out if they were sexually abused or just very sexualized as children."

Polin has found art therapy especially useful when patients are trying to understand a trauma that happened when they were very young — before their language skills were fully developed.

"Non-verbal therapy, like art work, seems to help. They draw a picture of the feeling, whether it’s realistic or abstract, or they may do a collage. The pictures may seem cryptic at first, but over time, the pictures come together and clients seem to find some resolution."

Polin recalls Harriet Wadeson, UIC associate professor of art and design, saying, "Memorize every theory we give you while you’re in school and the day you graduate, forget it all and you’ll learn it all over again when you get out in the field."

"It’s true," Polin said. "Unless you’re out there working with people, you’re clueless. It was two years of hell, that program. But if you can make it through, you can make it through anything. It was really helpful."

UIC’s art therapy program teaches its students ways to recognize when a patient is on the mend. Polin knows when clients are getting ready to leave therapy when their lives start to change for the better.

"If they go back to school, or divorce an abusive husband, or maybe go after a new job they’ve been talking about — I know that something is happening there. If I think they’re ready, I’ll try to nudge them out. Sometimes it’s scary for them to leave because this is a safe place."

As clients work through their problems, they begin to realize they’re not to blame for what happened to them, and they learn to deal with their anger and rage. They begin to see they can live life on their own terms.

"I try to follow their lead, because most have let choice be taken away from them," she said. "I know many times clients want to think I will  tell them what to do to make their lives better, but the answers are really within them."

In summing up the philosophy of the center, Grabowski added, "Our name, the Awakening Center, means that we hope to awaken the balanced self inside us that is there, but dormant. As we become enlightened, we awaken ourselves to the core person
inside."

Victoria Polin recently compiled the "1997 Chicagoland Area Sexual Abuse Resource Guide for Care Providers and Consumers".

The 1997 Chicagoland Area Sexual Abuse Resource Guide for Care Providers and Survivors

By Vicki Polin
Conscious Choice - January/February 1997

Common Behavioral Problems Sexually Abused Children

© (1996) edited by Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC

Reprinted from the 1997 Chicagoland Area Sexual Abuse Resource Guide 

Children who have been sexually abused can develop special behavioral problems. Many will act out their anger and or other feelings that may seem inappropriate. While it is certainly desirable to set limits on inappropriate behaviors, it is important to keep in mind that children who have been abused have special need. Behind every behavioral problem is a reason. Talking with your child and bringing such issues up in therapy, can help to gain an understanding of why your child is behaving in certain ways. Once something is understood it will be easier to find an answer, which will lead to eliminating the problem behaviors altogether. It's important to remember that punishment is not always an effective way to eliminate problem behaviors, and some behaviors, such as bed wetting, may not respond to discipline at all.

1. Sexually Acting Out. Can be defined as excessive and/or public masturbation, constant focus on sex and/or sexual behaviors, often stems from a child having been forced to perform sexual acts. Children can be confused between sexual behavior, sexuality and feelings of love and affection. Sexually abused children have not been allowed to develop their own sexuality according to their own developmental time frame. This means that the body and mind are in different place, and there may not be adequate impulse control. Special attention should be given if you notice a child who is acting sexually with another child, particularly if there is a big age difference.

• Explain the difference between public and private behaviors. For example, exploring our bodies is o.k., but it is not to be done in public. Explain that sexuality is best kept private, as it is a very special thing we do not share with everybody! Also stress the difference between private and secret. Sexuality is never a secret! 

•  Explain the difference between sex an love, and how we can express non-sexual love for people and reserve sex for when we are grown up. There is nothing wrong with wanting touch, like a hug or pat on the back.

• Keep in mind that sexually abused children have a tendency to sexualize things that are not usually sexual. Help your child figure out the difference!

• Also keep in mind that some sex play between similarly-aged children is normal. Consult sex play handout for clarification. In many cases, simply pointing out that it's not o.k. for children who are a lot older to have sex play with younger children is enough to deter them, otherwise consult a professional.

• Remember that you can give your kids good information about sex and sexuality and still teach them your own values. Hiding information about sex from you kids will only serve to make them more vulnerable and confused. Sex education is very important, and if you don't educate your children, someone else will!

2. Aggressive Behavior. Ranging form short- temperedness and low tolerance for frustration to abuse of animals and setting-fires, is very common among sexually abused children. This is a form of acting-out behavior as a way to express anger safely (see conduct disorders).

• Encourage your child to express his/her anger in other ways. Have time set aside formal "group scream" or pounding a pillow are both helpful forms of anger work.
  
• Teaching by Example. If you frequently loose your temper with your child and/or "rant and rave" a lot, you are sending a message that it's o.k. to take your anger out on other people. The same is true if you hit or spank your child to indicate you are displease with their behavior. You are teaching them to solve problems by the use of violence. 
  
  
• Use non-punitive behavior management techniques, such as time out for younger children and loss of privileges for older children, to eliminate specific behaviors. 
  
  
• Encourage expression of feelings as a whole, validating whatever feeling your child is having. Even though you may not like what they say, your child has a right to feel whatever he/she feels (i.e. mad, sad, happy, scared, angry, . . . ). Even if we don't understand why are children may feel certain ways, it is important to send them a message that it's o.k. to feel the way they feel and to express their feelings. Having this kind of environment may prevent aggressive behavior. 
  
  
• Don't set children up to fail. Giving children the opportunities to do things like set fires or smash valuables make those behaviors more likely to occur. It's important to child-proof your home! 
  
  
• Severe behavior and conduct problems in adolescents, such as fire-setting and/or animal abuse, indicate professional help is needed! 
  
  

3. Anxiety Problems can be extremely frustrating. This category includes problems at bedtime, noncompliance with lights off, terrible fears of the dark, the washroom, certain objects or places, people with certain characteristics, etc.

Turning Point: When To Believe A Child's Word

Turning Point:  When To Believe A Child's Word

Nightline - November 14, 1996

The following film clips (Part 1 and 2) are from a Nightline episode which aired on November 14, 1996.  

This particular newscast was about the backlash against survivors of child sexual abuse coming forward and speaking out.  

A group of people who claimed their children falsely accused them of incest banned together creating the False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF).  What this group basically did was take research out of context to prove that therapist were implanting false memories into their clients that their parents molested them.  The reason for the backlash, was the fact that adult survivors of child sexual abuse started to file civil suits against their offenders -- who often were their parents.

Due to the number of frivolous law suits filed, many therapists quit working with anyone who disclosed child sexual abuse histories.  This all changed in 2002, when the cases of clergy sexual abuse broke in Boston and also cases within various religious communities, camps, and the boy scouts.

Below is the historic exposé, in which Nightline, with Ted Koppel, exposed the False Memory people for what they really were and an article that appeared in the New York Times regarding this show.

___________________________________________________________________________________

When To Believe A Child's Word - Part 1
ABC-Nightline - November 14, 1996




When To Believe A Child's Word - Part 2

ABC-Nightline - November 14, 1996

The Top Ten Skills of Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

The Top Ten Skills of Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

© (1995) Aubrieta V. Hope

10.  The ability to figure things out quickly.  As children, we were given few clues of approaching danger.  We had to learn how to recognize the warning signs, assess a situation accurately, and react quickly.

9.  Persuasiveness.  It takes more than physical agility to dodge abuse.  We had to use our wits as well--sometimes that meant thinking fast and coming up with a clever excuse or argument.  years of communicating with illogical or angry adults can really build your vocabulary!

8.  Flexibility.  To survive trauma and abuse, we had to be able to adapt to all kinds of difficult situations.  Our childhoods didn't come with a clear-cut job description.  Abusive adults act in unpredictable ways--we had to "roll with the punches". 

7.  Compassion.  Not all victimized children grow up to be compassionate adults--some become abusers themselves.  But those who break the cycle have a great capacity for empathy.  We can relate to people who are in in need, because we've been there.

6. The ability to learn without being taught.  Childhood trauma and abuse can interfere with a little person's ability to concentrate in school.  And, abusive adults often sabotage the learning process by terrorizing, shaming or neglecting a child.  Despite all these obstacles, somehow we managed to learn anyway.

5.  Acute observation skills.  As kids, many of us had to "have eyes in the back of our head".  We learned how to watch without seeming to observe.  No wonder so many of us identified with Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys!

4.  Creativity.  When a child's environment is harsh, the rule of the jungle prevails: "only the fittest survive." Conditions like that require imagination.

3.  Perceptiveness.  Kids who live in a dangerous environment have to rely on "gut instinct". No one bothered to explain trouble to us.  To protect ourselves, we developed the ability to read body language and listen to what's not being said.

2.  Endurance.  When life is frightening and painful, childhood is a long time.  It can take 18 years to get out--most convicted felons have shorter sentences!  Abused children develop an amazing capacity to withstand and outlast the unbearable.

1.  Resourcefulness.  (Enough said).

Guidelines For Disciplining Children Who Have Been Abused

(This article was originally published in 1995 and reprinted by The Times of Israel on July 3 2015)

Disciplining children who have been abused can be a real challenge! And while there is no single method which has been proven to work for all children, the following tips represent what mental health professionals who work with and/or study child behavior have learned.

Using the discipline techniques outlined in this pamphlet, in combination with what you already know about your child(ren); will help you to develop the best and most effective way to set appropriate limits. Remember children learn best when you practice consistency in your discipline techniques. 

Tip #1  Physical: means punishments that are inappropriate, ineffective, and harmful to children!

This includes spanking, hitting, pinching, whipping, slapping . . . Spanking children teaches them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. There is a fine line between spanking and abuse. In addition, it simply does not work. Children, especially children who have been physical and/or sexually abused, often have learned how to dissociate themselves from pain. Basically, being hit or hurt in some way is nothing new to abused children. Spanking is also tremendously humiliating for your child. No child should be made to feel that way — it leads to shame and low self esteem, which in turn lead to further behavior problems. Spanking kids can lead to a vicious cycle. Hitting children is a way to take out your anger on a child (this should never be the guiding emotion behind any punishment). In short, spanking benefits the spanker more than the spanked. When you feel like hitting a child, go into another room, hit a pillow instead. Once you’ve cooled down, then you’ll be ready to go back and deal with the child.

Tip #2  Positive reinforcement works wonders. It is much easier to increase a positive behavior than it is to decrease a negative one. In simple terms, that means if you lavish praise on your children when they do well, they will continue to do the right thing. It is much easier to get a child to “keep up the good work”, than to get a child to stop doing something which gives him/her lots of negative attention. But if you give lots of

Remember children thrive on attention, (either positive or negative attention).

Tip #3  Use the time out method. If you isolate a child for a certain amount of time when he or she gets a little unruly, it gives him/her a chance to cool down. If a child is misbehaving, give a warning that he/she will need to go to a “time out”, if the behavior does not stop. The most important part of the warning is following through with the warning. If the behavior does not stop, send the child to a chair or a corner for a few minutes (depending on the child’s age . . . 1 minute for each year). Use a kitchen time to make sure the time out is exactly as long as you say it will be. One important lesson learned by giving a warning prior to “time out”, is that the child learns there are choices in ones life.

If you spank a child, you teach him/her violence. If you yell at a child, you teach him/her shame. If you use choices and fair, NONVIOLENT consequences, you teach the child that he/she has power to effect his/her own life, and that he/she can make a choice to behave or not to behave (and suffer the consequences of a “time out”).

Too Much Pressure?

1. Take some deep breaths. Remember, you are the adult
2. Remember that good parenting must be learned and, at times, is very demanding. It’s okay to ask for help to improve your parenting skills.
3. Close your eyes and think about what you want to say. Don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
4. Put your child in a ‘time-out’ chair (one minute fore each year of age).
5. Think about why you are angry. Does the situation call for such a reaction?
6. Phone a friend.
7. Splash water on your face.
8. Turn on some music
9. If someone can watch your child, take a short walk

Communication Tips

1. Gently touch your child before you speak
2. Say their name.
3. Speak in a quiet voice.
4. Look at your child in the eye so you can tell if he/she understands.
5. Bend or sit down-get on your child’s level.
6. Give children the same courtesy and respect you give your adult friends.
7. Encourage talking by asking about your child’s day or asking his opinion about important things.
8. Children are never too young or too old to be told “I love you”.

Praise

Find opportunity to praise your child, it is the best way to encourage good behavior. Be observant and you will find many.

Ways to praise your child:

1. Way to go.
2. I’m proud of the way you did that.
3. Thank you
4. I knew you could do it.
5. Good job.
6. Excellent.
7. I trust you.
8. You mean the world to me.
9. Beautiful work.
10. I love you.
11. Well done.
12. Good for you.
13. You’re terrific.
14. Great discovery.
15. Fantastic work.
16. Job well done.

Children need discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment. It is a way to teach a child appropriate behavior.
2. Set reasonable, clear and consistent rules and limits. Do not change from day to day.
3. Ignore negative behavior. Children ‘act up’ to get attention.
4. Let children help with your daily activities and give them responsibilities that fit their capabilities.
5. Show children how to correct what they’ve done wrong, by apologizing, cleaning up, etc.
6. Determine appropriate discipline for misbehavior.
7. Change the environment. Remove the child from the situation.
8. Talk to your child about self control and how t make better choice
9. Avoid yelling. Speak in a clear, serious tone of voice.
10. Rejection, Withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another can be as damaging as physical abuse.

 If you say “NO” too much, it loses impact.

1. Try words other than “non” like “stop”, “oh”, or “wait”.
2. Call your children by name when warning them.
3. Explain the situation to them.
4. Anticipate conflicts and address it before it happens.
5. Suggest alternatives to unacceptable behavior. Explain you love them, but there is problems with their behavior.
6. Listen to your children. You may change your mind.

Anne Marie and Eric Erikkson Heroes to many - Incest Survivors Resource Network

Founders of the first group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse

Anne Marie and Eric Erikkson

WANTED By the Law Magazine - APR 1995
By Griffin Reed

When most people think of incest, the situation that comes to mind most readily is a stepfather molesting a stepdaughter. Statistically, this is the most reported. However, there are other patterns of abuse -- such as a son seduced by his mother. Erik Eriksson's childhood was one of these cases. After a lifetime of pain, he courageously helped found an organization to assist others dealing with similar problems.

It took Erik 59 years to come out from under the shadow of what his outwardly well-functioning but emotionally disturbed mother did to him between the time he was 11 and 18. As an adult, he now recognizes that she used sex to keep him under her control. Once young Erik decided that what his mother was doing to him was wrong, he quickly married and left home, attempting to keep his marriage a secret. Erik believes that, because of his mother's own traumatic background, her failings were not intentional.

Tragically, Erik's first wife died of cancer. His mother tried to re-enter his life again at that time, but by then he was strong enough to resist her. Before long, he re-married and embarked on successful careers as a military pilot and then as a technical writer. His second marriage was happy enough, and he fathered two sons in the bargain. Again, tragedy struck -- Erik's second wife also died of cancer. He turned to drink to stave off the shame, grief, and guilt, becoming an alcoholic. After four years, he sobered up with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and met his present wife, Anne Marie, a pioneer in the incest survivor movement, at the first meeting of an organization she had started as a vehicle to enable incest survivors to provide education to the public and to interact with professional groups, as well as provide peer groups for themselves.

Erik says his road to healing has been a long and painful process. But in his marriage with Anne-Marie, a retired probation officer, he has found peace at last. Together they turned their pain into triumph by founding Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI) in 1983; an expansion of the organization began by Anne-Marie. For both of them, this volunteer service has been their Quaker peace ministry.

Common Symptoms of Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (1994) Victoria Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

1. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless.
   
2. Fear of abandonment and other abandonment issues.
   
3. Acting out behavior. Not knowing how to identify, process and or express intense feelings in more productive ways.
   
4. Unexplained fears of being alone at night, nightmares and/or night terrors. . .
   
5. Feeling overly grateful/appreciative from small favors by others.
   
6. Boundary issues: lack of, needing to be in control, power issues, fear of losing control...
   
7. Eating disorders including: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over-eating etc...
   
8. Headaches, arthritis and/or joint pain, gynecological disorders, stomach aches and other somatic symptomology.
   
9. Unexplained anxiety/panic, when with individuals from childhood.
   
10. Extreme guilt/shame.
    
11. Obsessive/compulsive behaviors (not necessarily Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder).
    
12. History of being involved in emotionally, psychological and/or physically violent relationships(emotionally, physically).
    
13. Memories of domestic violence in childhood.
    
14. Sexual acting out, "sexaholism", history of prostitution, performing in porn films...
    
15. Distorted body image/poor body image.
    
16. Hypervigilance.
    
17. History of ambivalent or intensely conflicted relationships.
    
18. Depersonalization. Feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real (or vice versa).
    
19. Blocking out periods of one's life (usually ages 1-12) or a specific person or place.
    
20. History of multi-victimizations in other forms.
    
21. Extremely high or low risk taking.
    
22. Obsession with suicide at various times of the year or after triggering events.
    
23. Wearing layers of clothing, even in the summer - caused by body image issues.
    
24. Intense anxiety and/or avoidance of gynecological exams.
    
25. Unexplained fears of suffocation.
    

Common Coping Mechanisms Used by Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (1994) Victoria Polin, MA, LCPC, ATR-BC, NCC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

Important Reminder: When reviewing this list it is important to remember that the information provided should not be used as the soul determiner of childhood sexual abuse. This list only provides the reader with a list of some common Coping Mechanisms that are used by many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is also important to remember that coping mechanisms are learned behavioral patterns used to cope. They are not necessarily all "good" or "bad". Many individuals have used their abuse learned coping mechanisms to benefit them professionally and in other personal situations.

1. Minimizing abuse history/herstory and actions of offender(s).

2. Rationalization of one's victimization. "Oh, he/she just didn't know any better. He/She was also abused as a child".

3. Denial is more comfortable for both a child and adult survivor to pretend the abuse never occurred, than face the emotional/psychological pain of the violation.

4. Repression/Forgetting. One's body's way of denying victimization

5. Splitting. Seeing the world in terms of black and white (no shades of gray). Common in survivors when the behavior of the offender was either abusive or loving (no middle).

6. Lack of Integration. On the inside feeling you are bad/evil. On the outside being a super achiever. Developing a "false self". 

7. Out of body experience(s) during the abuse. Feeling that one watched the abuse occurring to one's body. 

8. Control Issues. The more chaotic family life in childhood, the stronger control issues are an issue.

9. Dissociation/Spacing Out. Everyone does this at times; the difference is degree and frequency. Example of normal dissociation: Driving a car and realizing you are farther along then you believed.

10. Hyper awareness/Super alert. Awareness of everyone and everything around you.

11. Workaholism/Business. Staying busy is one way of avoiding feelings.

12. Escape/Running away. Passive ways include reading books, sleeping and watching television. It's important to remember fantasies can be the source of a rich creative life and can be vital to healing.

13. Psychiatric Hospitalizations. Can be used as a respite from intense feelings and/or flashbacks.

14. Self - Mutilation/Self-Harm/Self-Injury. Internalization of offender. Instead of being hurt by victimizer, survivor hurts one's self. Often releases intense feelings and/or numbness after mutilation occurs.

15. Suicide Attempts. Often occurs when survivors feels trapped with no way out. "Don't kill yourself, call a friend, your therapist or a crisis hot-line instead!"

16. Isolation. Feeling safer when alone ("No one can hurt me if I'm alone").

17. Addictions are common ways of coping with the pain of sexual abuse. They are usually self - defeating and self - destructive (drugs, food, gambling, sex . . . ).

18. Lying. When children are told not to tell anyone, the offenders are teaching children to lie. Many survivors are compulsive liars, the abuse being the biggest of them all.

19. Religion. Safety can be found attaching one's self to a belief system that has clear boundaries and rules. Traditional religion can provide an anchor. The lure of divine forgiveness can be a powerful pull for the survivor who still feels the abuse was his/her fault. Unfortunately, destructive cults can also be alluring to an adult survivor for some of the same reasons.

20. Avoiding Intimacy. Seeming open and friendly on the surface but hiding real feelings inside. "Avoiding intimacy keeps one safe - and sometimes leads to positive traits such as independence and autonomy-- it also means missing out on the rewards healthy relationships can bring." (E. Bass & L. Davis, 1988).

21. Manipulation. Adult survivors, who are diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality often are told they are being manipulative. Once they are able to identify, process and express feelings attached to manipulative behavior and taught other ways of getting needs met, the manipulation will usually cease.

---

References:

• Bass, Ellen & Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.
• Chutis, Laurieann. Flashbacks. Chicago, IL. Ravenswood Hospital & Medical Center, Dept. of Consultation and Education.
• Davis, Laura. Allies In Healing: When The Person Your Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child. New York: Harper, 1991.
• Gil, Eliana. Outgrowing the Pain: A Book For And about Adults Abused As Children. New York: Dell Publishing, 1983.
• Ideran, Mary. Adult Survivors Signs & Symptoms Checklist The Changing Women in Calumet City.
• Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest & Other Sexual Child Abuse. New York: Harper Collins, 1990.
• Napier, Nancy J. Getting Through The Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children. New York: W.W. Norton, 1993.

Glossary of Initials and Other Professional Degrees, Organiazations & Other Jargon

(© 1994, Rev. 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2002, 2003) By Vicki Polin ,MA, ATR, LCPC

A.A.T.A	American Art Therapy Association
A.B.A.	American Bar Association
A.B.E.C.S.W.	American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work.
A.C.E.P.	Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology
A.C.S.W.	Academy of Certified Social Worker
ADTA	American Dance Therapy Association
A.D.T.R.	Academy of Dance Therapist Registered
A.M.A.	American Medical Association
A.M.H.C.A.	American Mental Health Counselors Associaton
A.P.A.	American Psychological Association
A.P.A.	American Psychiatric Association
A.S.A.	Assistant States Attorney (can be in either Juvenile and/or Criminal Court)
A.T.R.	Art Therapist Registered
A.T.R.-B.C.	Art Therapist Registered - Board Certified.
AYA	American Yoga Association
B.A.	Bachelor of Arts Degree
B.C.D.	Board Certified Diplomat (given by ABECSW to social workers)
B.S.	Bachelor of Science
B.S.N.	Bachelor of Science in Nursing
B.S.W.	Bachelors Degree in Social Work
C.A.C.	Certified Addictions Counselor
C.A.D.C.	Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor
CCGC	Certified Compulsive Gambling Counselor
C.E.T.	Certified Expressive Therapist
C.R.C.	Certified Rehabilitation Counselor
C.E.U.	Continuing Education Units
C.M.T.	Certified Massage Therapist.
DASA	Department of Alcohol and Substance Abused (Illinois)
D.C.	Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine
D.C.F.S.	Dept. of Children and Family Services (Illinois)
D.C.P.	Department of Child Protection
D.C.S.W.	Diplomate in Clinical Social Work. (Given to Social Workers by the NASW..)
D.D. Dually	DSMIV Diagnosis and/or Developmentally Delayed and/or Chemically Dependent
D. Ed.	Doctorate in Education
Det.	Detective
Dipl. Ac.	Diplomat of Acupuncture
Dipl. Hom.	Diplomat of Homeopathic Medicine
D.N.	Doctor of Napraprathy  or Doctor of Naturopathy
D.O.	Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine
D.P.M.	Doctor of Podiatric Medicine
Dr.	Doctor (can refer to an DSW, M.D., PhD, PsyD . . . ).
D.S.M.–IV	Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
D.S.W.	Doctorate in Social Work
DTR	Dance Therapist Registered
Dx	Diagnosis
FICPP	Fellow International College of Prescribing Psychologists
G.A.L.	Guardian Ad Litem. In Illinois, all children who are wards of the state are appointed a G.A.L. by Public Guardian's office. In some counties is the child's attorney in both juvenile and criminal court.
H.L.M.	Honorable Life Member (given to art therapist's by AATA).
Hx	History
IAAP	Illinois Association of Addiction Professionals
I.A.T.A.	Illinois Art Therapy Association.
IAODAPCA	Illinois Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Professional Certification Association
I.C.A.S.A.	Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault
I.C.A.D.V.	Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
ISSD	The International Society for the Study of Dissociative Disorders
I.T.P.	Individual Treatment Plan
JCASA	Jewish Coalition Against Childhood Sexual Abuse
J.D	Juris Doctor (degree given to an Attorney).
L.A.N. Local Area Network	(Community Mental Health Centers boundaries for funding).
L.C.P.C.	Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W.	Licensed Clinical Social Worker. (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W	Licensed Certified Social Worker (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W-C	Licensed Certified Social Worker - Clinical (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.D.	Licensed Dietitian.
L.L.M.	License of Law (requies a Masters Degree in Law).
L.M.H.C.	Licensed Mental Health Counselor (Requires Masters Degreed)
L.M.F.T.	Licensed Marriage, Family & Child Counselor.
L.P.C.	Licensed Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Bachelor Degree Provider).
L.P.N.	Licensed Practical Nurse
L.P.H.A.	Licensed Practitioner of the Healing Arts
L.S.W.	Licensed Social Worker
M.A.	Masters of Arts (can be in any field)
M.A.A.T	Masters of Arts in Art Therapy (From some programs).
M.C.A.S.A.	Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault
M.Ed	Masters of Education.
M.F.C.C.	Marriage, Family and Child Counselor.
M.D.	Medical Doctor
MDiv.	Masters of Divinity.
MHC	Mental Health Center
MI	Mental Illness/Mentally Ill.
MISA	Mentally Ill/Substance Abuse.
MPH	Masters of Public Health.
MS	Masters of Science (can be in any field).
MSN	Masters of Science in Nursing.
MSW	Masters degree in Social Work.
M.S.S.W.	Master's of Science in Social Work.
NAADAC	National Association of Addiction Professionals
NADT	National Association For Drama Therapy
N.A.S.W	National Association of Social Workers.
NBCC	National Board of Certified Counselors
OTR	Occupational Therapist Registered.
PA	Public Aid.
PAS	Pre-Admission Screening for nursing home and/or residential treatment. Needed for individuals on Medicaid (State of Illinois)
PD	Police Department.
PDR	Physicians' Desk Reference (book describing medication).
PhD	Doctor of Philosophy (can be in any field, i.e. psychology, social work, chemistry...)
PsyD	Doctorate of Psychology.
RA	Ritual Abuse
RD	Registered Dietitian
R.D.T.	Registered Drama Therapist (by the National Association For Drama Therapy).
RN	Registered Nurse.
Rx	Prescription/Prescribed
QMHP	Qualified Mental Health Professional (Master Degreed Level Professional).
QMRP	Qualified Mental Retardation Professional (Master Degreed Professional).
SASS	Screening, Assessment & Support Services. (Needed for individuals on Medicaid in the state of Illinois prior to being admitted to a psychiatric unit or facility.
SSA	Social Security Administration
SSDI	Social Security Disability Income
SSI	Social Security Income
Tx	Treatment Prescribed Treatment