Ways To Help Children With Their Feelings

Developed by Honore M. Hughes, Ph.D.

Department of Psychology, University of Arkansas

1. Children show their distress and anxiety by being extra sensitive, by withdrawing or by acting out. Give the child extra support, encouragement and patience when she/he is under stress.

2. Be sensitive to the feelings that a child is communicating nonverbally as well as verbally.

3. Help children learn to talk about their feelings rather than acting them out, and learn to solve problems verbally rather than physically through modeling better ways to handle situations.

4. Model talking about feelings by expressing your own feelings and commenting on the child's emotions. Example: "I feel sad sometimes when I argue with my friends, etc. Maybe you do sometimes, too."

5. Young children need help in learning to label their feelings. This helps them tap into emotions, identify them more accurately which will make them better able to deal with them. Example: To a young child, "I think maybe you're crying because you're very tired." Or "I know you're crying because Joan took away your ball so you are unhappy."

6. Help children learn what they can do to calm themselves down when they're upset. Example: sometimes a little time alone is helpful to an older child.

7. Reassure a child that all children have feelings in certain situations. Example: Sometimes kids get scared; that's O.K. It's frustrating and you're mad when something doesn't work."

8. Children are sometimes better able to respond to a comment rather than a direct question about what's wrong. Example: "Gee, you seem a little upset. Maybe you're thinking about your mommy."

9. It's helpful sometimes to comment to a child about feelings in the context of a lot of children having those feelings. Example: Most kids feel sad or scared when their mommy and daddy fight."

10. Help children OWN their feelings. Example: You feel angry", rather than "He MAKES you angry".

Legislators reject bill requiring priests to break seal of Confession

 By Henrietta Gomes

Catholic Standard - March 6, 2003

Last week, Maryland State Senators rejected a bill which would require priests to report any information about child abuse obtained in the confessional except from the abuser. The bill was unanimously defeated by the Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee a few days after it was introduced by Sen. Delores Kelley (D-Baltimore). Asked whether the measure overstepped the boundaries of religious freedom, Kelley said during the hearing, "sometimes the state must intervene" to protect children.

Before the hearing, many Catholics from the Archdiocese of Washington contacted legislators by phone, e-mail, and fax, urging them not to pass the legislation. Writing in his weekly column in the Catholic Standard, Washington Cardinal Theodore McCarrick said he would instruct his priests to disobey such a law and would be willing to go to jail on the matter. Breaking the seal of Confession would violate canon Law, causing any priest who does so to be excommunicated.

Since 1987, a law in Maryland has been in effect that requires priests to report all instances of child abuse they hear about outside of the confessional.

"There is a mandate in Maryland that teachers and police must report any type of abuse, and so clergy should also report," said Kelley at the hearing last week. Passing the bill, said Kelley, would be in the best interest of Maryland's protection of children, "who are most vulnerable."

Ellen Mugmon, representing the Coalition to Protect Maryland's Children, testified that the state must "regulate religion when children need to be protected."

Vick Polin—a member of the Awareness Center that provides resources for Jewish survivors of childhood sexual abuse or assault—testified "because many cases have been covered up in the past, the bill should pass." Polin added, "If clergy were mandated to report then these people (abusers) will get help."

Arguing against the bill, Dick Dowling, the executive director of Maryland Catholic Conference, said, "There is not one example of a person suffering of being abused because of our Sacrament of reconciliation." About Confession, Dowling said "this is a time honored agreement," and he said the sacramental seal of Confession is a central tenet of the Catholic faith. He noted that the current abuse reporting law, which respects the privacy of the confessional, was "carefully scrutinized by elements of the interfaith community: when it was drafted in the late 1980s.

Father Daniel Mindling, a dean of Mount Saint Mary's Seminary in Emmetsburg called the Sacrament of Reconciliation, "an act of worship which needs protection. You can't admit sins with no guarantee," he said. "It would weaken our ability to practice our faith. We believe God instituted this," the priest said about the sacrament. About abuse, he said, "If I learn about it in any other way, I report it."

The controversial bill would have required priests to report suspected abuse heard about in the confessional from a non-abuser, such as a family member. Church policy in the archdioceses of Baltimore and Washington requires priests and any church workers to report suspected abuse to civil authorities, but information learned in the confessional is confidential according to canon law.

David Kinkopf, an attorney for the Baltimore Archdiocese said, "Our country was founded on religious freedom and religious exercise." He said the proposed measure would be unconstitutional and violate the separation of church and state. 

State Sen. John Giannetti Jr. (Prince George's and Anne Arundel), a member of the Judicial Proceedings Committee, said in a statement that his office received hundreds of calls and e-mails on the matter. "When a man becomes a priest, he takes certain sacred vows," the senator said. "No law should impose on those sanctified vows, and I am going to make sure that they are upheld.

Spirituality, Sexuality: How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God

© (2003) By Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda 

Originally published by The Awareness Center's Daily News Letter - 2003

Reprinted by The Examiner on May 16, 2011

Spirituality and Sexuality are very often confusing issues for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for several valid reasons. In families where the concept of God is present, a child's first representation of God is either of their parents or through their parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a view of God that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a family of violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being that is controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been sexually violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a sex offender. Survivors' internalize a view of a punishing, abusive God, who only allows bad things to happen to them because "God loves them." They live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their thoughts, because God can read those and therefore punished for even feeling angry, upset or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a perception of the world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would naturally question the veracity of a kind, loving God.

The Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical educator was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was "hateful." The commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or seduced young women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual. Unfortunately, despite this tradition to ostracize such offenders, Jewish communities have not taken such a strong, responsible position toward molesters. Too often when allegations of child molestation are brought to the attention of community leaders, parents or relatives of victim's are reminded that discussing issues of molestation within the community or bringing these types of allegations to the public would result in any number of negative outcomes for the survivor. These consequences include difficulty finding a marital partner of substance for not only the survivor, but also other family members, or could result in the survivor or family members of survivors not getting into good yeshivas (schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of having to relocate to another town as a result of the political pressures following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to struggle with their trust and belief in God so does the survivor's family.

We have begun to discuss the possibility of a correlation between assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According to the most recently available data one in every three to five women, and one out of every five to seven men, have been sexually abused by their 18th birthday. As part of the healing journey, the majority of survivors of abuse reach the point where they try to integrate what happened to them on a spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs, surrounded by individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors often feel different. Jews have very different customs then that of their Christian friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated background, they may feel at a loss -- unsure of what to do, or how to do it while survivors from backgrounds that were more traditional and included a Jewish education may feel betrayed by that background. The confusion of the healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy spiritual place within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor of childhood abuse to do?

Up until now there have been very few individuals who are "survivor friendly" in the Jewish community. We need to start opening our minds and our hearts to begin listening to survivors of childhood sexual abuse bearing witness. Just like holocaust survivors, who were initially shunned, survivors of childhood abuse need to be allowed to speak in order to heal, to be able to learn to connect with God, to see God as something other then neglectful, abusive and cruel. Those listening to these disclosures have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to the survivors. It is vitally important to make sure they have access to a support group conducted by a trained facilitator who is experienced with compassion fatigue (secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), so they are allowed to debrief and maintain balance, after hearing the voices of survivors.

Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She indicated that she spent her life trying to connect to something that was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over the years she approached many rabbis asking them questions. Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a lack of training, were unable to help her understand either her questions or the concepts with which she need the most help. Most had difficulty listening to her disclose her abuse history. When Karen was a child, while her father was molesting her, he would say "this is how you know God loves you . . . you know anything that feels this good has to have come from God . . . this is how you know God is inside you." Knowing this information would be critical in understanding Karen's difficulties with the concept of God. Yet most Rabbis doing outreach were unable to help her reframe her experience and make it possible for Karen to learn to connect.

Rivka was in her teens when she first disclosed to a friend that her father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her father was also a principal of a school for young boys. Her friend told her mother, who in turn, went to a local community leader to ask for advice. Because of the stature of her father, the community leader suggested they keep quiet about the abuse. As time went on, Rivka was unable to cope. As a teen she ran into some difficulties and ended up moving into the home of one of her classmates. Due to political pressure within the community, the family that Rivka resided with was asked not to daven (pray) in the synagogue they had been members of for years. The family was dedicated to helping Rivka heal, and were not about to put her out on the streets. Rivka eventually went to college, was able to support herself financially, got married and is the mother of three. Rivka came from a Torah observant upbringing, but from her experiences with the denial of the community, she no longer practices. She feels betrayed by her family, the Jewish community, and most importantly by God. When speaking to community leaders of the town she was from, and when her name is mentioned, they make comments such as she's happy, she is married and has children. But they are not completely correct. Rivka's is in mourning. She misses her biological family, she misses her connection to her community and she feels that has no one to talk to about her feelings about God.

Mitch grew up in family filled with physical and sexual violence. The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents made sure to enroll all their children in programs so that they could learn about Judaism. There was a problem -- Mitch was deaf. None of the Jewish educational programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient at lip reading and disclosed that he was bored and felt left out. Growing up Mitch never felt that he was a part of his family since the majority of his family members were not proficient in sign language. He was alone isolated in his deaf world.

School was Mitch's only respite. He was enrolled in a school for the deaf, and could communicate freely with people who could understand and relate to him. Growing up in the South and being deaf meant that he didn't have any Jewish friends. As he reached high school, he wanted to be like his friends. Most of them went to church. Mitch had no concept of God, and was like a sponge to learn, to connect to something spiritual. Mitch's concept of God was that of a father who was filled with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish community ever took the time to meet Mitch's needs. He never was given the opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings about his concepts of God to anyone Jewish. But then the missionaries reached him. Like so many survivors, the desire to feel loved was strong. His new friends knew this and showed him unconditional love. He would do anything to feel loved and cared for, and if it meant learning about another religion, then he did it. When his family realized what was happening they tried to rectify the situation, but again it was done in a way that appeared to be an attempt to control and abuse him. Their attempt was unsuccessful. To this day Mitch's views Judaism as something that is abusive and wrong.

The more our communities, and our leaders are educated on the issues relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it will be to help heal the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse. Band-Aids can only cover up an infection. Our communities need to do major wound care, some individuals may require "spiritual surgery," while others my just need a topical ointment. But together as a community, as a people we can come together and heal the world.

Clergy as Mandated Reporters

(© 2003) By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC
Originally published by The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

The following testimony was presented to the Maryland Senate Committee on SB412 (February 25, 2003)

We are here today because the current systems within our churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples are NOT working. When children disclose abuse, they are NOT being protected. When it comes to OUR children's safety, our religious leaders are FAILING.

We have all heard the news reports. Various news media groups across our nation are definitely keeping busy. They have told us loud and clear, over and over again that religious court systems have been turning their backs on our children, not just recently, but FOR GENERATIONS.

We already know the problems. So if those of us in this room right now, don't work to change things today, it is we who are allowing more children to be abused and neglected; we are allowing more children to be told to keep silent. Things MUST change. OUR CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING.

Dealing with child abuse is never easy. What do you do when you hear that a friend of yours has been named as the alleged offender in a sexual abuse case? What do you do when you hear the allegations that a colleague or family member is molesting a child? The natural reaction is to slip into denial. No one wants to believe that someone they know, and possibly trusted, is a sex offender. But it is for exactly this reason we are here today, and have to change things. WE MUST make our clergy members mandated by law to report when they SUSPECT a child is at risk of harm. We can't be judge and jury to people we know and care for.

All we have to do is log on to our computers and go to The Awareness Center's webpage "Clergy Abuse: Rabbis, Cantors and OtherTrusted Officials". You will find about fifty cases of rabbis, teachers, camp-counselors, scout leaders, etc., who had articles written about them in the news media. All of these individuals have been accused and some convicted of child molestation. Most of the alleged victims of these alleged offenders went to their rabbis for help. Too many were ignored and/or told to keep silent. Often the victims and victims' families were intimidated by their leaders if they went to State officials.

Just look at the case of Rabbi Baruch Lanner, the case of Meyer Miller, who was a kosher butcher in Chicago, the case of Dr. Rabbi Avrohom Mondrowitz, or the case of Rabbi Ephraim Bryks. All four men were known in the communities as being problematic, as having problems with sexual impulse control. Yet these men were allowed to continue to harm children. All three men were well protected by their local religious leaders in their respected communities. All of these men's victims were left unprotected and told to be silent.

Rabbi Baruch Lanner
Baruch Lanner was regarded as one of the most brilliant, dynamic and charismatic educators in Jewish life in today's world. He was the director of regions of the National Conference of Synagogue Youth, an arm of the Orthodox Union. Rabbi Lanner worked with and supervised teenagers for more than thirty years. Lanner was also a principal and teacher at religious high schools. For many years he led a highly successful six-week summer program in Israel offering Bible study to up to 300 American boys. His criminal sexual behavior was known not only all over the United States, but also on an international level.

Even though Rabbi Lanner is credited with bringing hundreds, perhaps thousands, of children closer to Judaism, reports of his criminal behavior have been circulating since the 1970's. Although Baruch Lanner was convicted of child molestation, he is sitting at home instead of in prison awaiting his appeal. One reason stated by the Asbury Park Press (October 9, 2002) is "he fears he may become a victim of sexual abuse by fellow inmates."
Meyer MIller - AKA: The case of the kosher butcher in Chicago

Before I start to tell you about this case. I want you to know this is a story that could easily have happened in Rockville, Baltimore, or any town in the State of Maryland. The offender could have been Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, or from any other religious group.

The kosher butcher is a story of a Meyer Miller who was allegedly allowed to molest children for over thirty years. It's a well known case in the orthodox Jewish community of Chicago. The only written description of this case is an article in the Chicago Jewish News, dated January 28, 2000.

After this story broke, the editor of the paper, and the two sisters who broke the story were met with hate from members in the community. It was one of those deep dark secrets no one wanted to be made public.

There were never any criminal charges brought up against the butcher, even though many religious leaders were aware of the criminal behavior of this sexual predator. The religious leaders were NOT mandated reporters. Needless to say the kosher butcher was allowed to continue to find more victims, and he did.

There's more to this story then a pedophile being enabled by his community to continue his or her molesting career. There was a child who grew up in the same apartment building as the butcher. When this child became an adult he took on similar criminal sexual behaviors to his neighbor the butcher.

Dr. Rabbi Avrohom Mondrowitz
Avrohom Mondrowitz, was the son of a rabbi. He went to school and became a clinical psychologist. He moved to New York and set up his practice. He also mimicked the behavior of his neighbor, that same butcher. With the community's hush-up of the butcher's acts, there is no evidence that Rabbi Mondrowitz was abused by him." But there is plenty of information about Rabbi Mondrowitz's criminal sexual behavior, that would make anyone who understands the dynamics of those who offend, extremely curious about his history.

Rabbi Ephraim Bryks
Rabbi Ephraim Bryks is originally from Denver, Colorado. In this case, accusations about his inappropriate behavior with children started surfacing in the 1980's. These accusations also included making sexual advancements to women in his congregation. When his alleged victims disclosed their experiences to a rabbinic leader in their community, they were basically told to keep silent. The rabbi advised them not to go to the police or child family services. He told them to deal with the allegations internally with the synagogue board. The children were not offered psychotherapy to help them cope with their alleged victimization. Unfortunately a teenager who didn't have the coping skills to deal with his memories ended up committing suicide.

Over the years Rabbi Ephraim Bryks has left a trail of alleged victims from such far-away places as Winnipeg, Canada. He is currently located in New York City. There are no documented cases or public information regarding any victims in New York, yet he has been let go by schools (one characterized as firing), but the schools will not discuss the matter.

For years alleged victims have been going to rabbinic leaders in their communities looking for guidance. For years rabbinic leaders have found it more important to protect an alleged sexual predator over protecting our children.

Currently 49 year-old Rabbi Ephraim Boruch Bryks continues to run a school in Queens, NY. He is currently a member of the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) and the Vaad Harabonim (member of the rabbinical committee that makes important decisions within the community) of Queens.

Question: Who decides who sits on a religious court? It is possible that Rabbi Bryks does? He is on the committee in Queens that makes important decisions.

In the secular world, judges disqualify themselves when they are too close to the parties in court hearings. Surgeons usually do not operate on family members. Religious communities in a city or town, are usually pretty small circles--everyone seems to know each other. My question to you is, why should we allow our clergy any leniency when it comes to reporting suspected child abuse or neglect?

For the sake of conserving time, and reducing redundancy, I'll use the term "rabbi" to represent all clergy, and the term "synagogue" to represent all houses of worship. When using the word "bet din," which translate into rabbincal court, I'll be referring to any entity that investigates and/or prosecutes cases within a religion's court system.

Let's take a step back from child abuse for a moment. Let me ask you a few more questions.

If there is an arson fire at your local synagogue in Olney, Maryland, who would you want to investigate this crime? If you are Jewish, do you call the local rabbinical court (bet din)? Or do you expect the Olney Police and Fire Departments to be informed, put the fire out, and carry out the investigations?

If there's a shooting on your street, who should investigate the crime, your local religious court, or the local Police Department?

So I ask you, when a rabbi, priest, pastor, cleric or any other member of the clergy, SUSPECTS a child is being abused and/or neglected, whom should she or he call? The religious court in Baltimore? Or the State of Maryland's Child Abuse Hot-line?

Before answering that question, I want you to think about something. We all know how difficult it is to prosecute a case when children are involved. We are all aware of how important it is to protect a crime scene to avoid contaminating evidence. Police departments and child protection workers undergo specific training that allows them to minimize contamination of information and maximize the chance of finding out what really happened. Keeping this in mind, does your local religious court have experience in forensic interviewing? Do they know how to do victim- sensitive interviews? Is the clergy member who suspects a child is at risk, trained in collecting evidence? My bet is that your answer to all of these questions would be NO.

The Awareness Center strongly believes that all members of the clergy should be mandated by law to call the Maryland State Child Abuse Hot-line when they SUSPECT a child is in danger. This is not an unusual request. We are asking you to mandate clergy to do what every other citizen in Maryland is mandated to do.

Our teachers, doctors, psychotherapists, childcare workers, medical personnel--are all mandated, by law, to report when they SUSPECT a child is may be being abused or neglected.

According to the law, it is NOT at the discretion of a teacher, therapist, child care worker or doctor, to substantiate the abuse, to decide whether they'd rather investigate it themselves, or to make a judgment call about the authenticity of the allegations or it's motive. The law specifically states that if you are a mandated reporter who SUSPECTS a child may be in danger, you make a phone call. If you don't, you are breaking the law.  The Awareness Center asks you to mandate that members of the clergy not be given preferential treatment. We ask that you hold them accountable as every other citizen. Remember that, by definition, clergy are teachers, counselors, and can also be seen as doctors to our souls. It seems almost barbaric that they have been exempt, and are attempting to continue to be. Are the mandated reporting laws in place to protect offenders or to protect children?

In a recent article in the Washington Post, Na'ama Yehuda--a co-director of The Awareness Center--was quoted as saying "I don't believe that pedophilia has a religion." Child abuse is a criminal matter, not a religious one.

There has never been any research done stating that sexual abuse happens more in one religion than another. But we do have resources that indicate that one out of every 3-5 women, and one out of every 5-7 men in the United States have been sexually abused by their eighteenth birthday. Until proven differently, that means that a quarter of all Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian women and about a fifth of all Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Jewish, Christian men have been molested in their childhood.

Keeping this in mind, we have a huge problem on our hands, a problem that is just beginning to be addressed in religious circles. In fact, we would most likely not be here today if the news media did not do their job. They heard stories from victims, investigated and found cover-ups. It's sad to say the only salvation these survivors had, was that their victimization was making headline news.

Quote from Former Student of Rabbi Bryks (name withheld upon request):
I don't have to be politically correct, my (and my friends) dealings both directly and indirectly with the Rabbinical Counsel of America (RCA) and the 0rthodox Union (OU) over Rabbi Bryks indicate clearly to me that they are utterly incapable of dealing with allegations of abuse. There are no mechanisms, no understanding of the problem in the structure of any bet din, and frankly no desire to deal with it. Rabbi Billet and Rabbi Weintraub (#2 in OU but as such is also on the RCA board), are both aware of Bryks, who continues to be a member of the RCA, but are in no rush to establish codes of conduct/balances and checks/investigatory mechanisms to deal with misbehaving members.

Although, I've found child "protection" agencies to be anything but that (few resources, political pressures and frankly sloppiness and laziness), I'd still have more faith in them than a private organization paid for by a body that employs the accused. Private organizations are just that, private. It is essential to create paper trails with offenders, secrecy and silence simply protect them.

Quote from Survivor #1 (name withheld upon request):
Back in the 1970's I went to the guidance counselor at my school (Conservative Jewish Day school). I told her about my father's violent temper and showed her the marks on my arms. I just couldn't imagine going back home that night. I was asking for help. She told me to come back later in the day. She had to consult with the school rabbi. When I went back, she told me there was nothing she could do. My bruises wouldn't photograph well enough. There was nothing anyone could do. I had no choice but go back home. No hot-line report was made.

I always wondered what my life would have been like if someone would have referred me and my family to therapy, or if I would have been removed from my home. I wonder if I would have done better in school? No one wanted to listen to me. No one wanted to get involved. As an adult I was having problems with my jaw. I had special x-rays taken and learned that my jaw had been broken in a few places and that by the calcification, it must have happened when I was about 5. My dentist looked bewildered and then explained to me, by the angle of the break. It could only have been caused by a fist.

Quote from Survivor # 2 (name withheld upon request): "I am from a Reform background. For many years I felt no connection with Judaism. How could I? In 1986 I went to my rabbi. I really liked him, and thought I could trust him. I went to him in tears; I didn't know what to do. My father was molesting me. I was in high school. When I told him about the abuse, he told me I was making it up. I guess the pregnancy that I aborted was just a figment of my imagination too?"

The Awareness Center is not here to claim that all religious leaders ignore the pain of children, but we are here to say that if our clergy were mandated to report when they SUSPECT a child is at risk, our children would have a chance. Child abuse investigation is the role of law enforcement and child protective services NOT the clergy.

Several years ago teachers, therapists, child care workers, and just about every other individual who has contact with children became mandated reporters. Everyone except our clergy. Our children need you to change this. Please remember this bill is not about protecting the rights of clergy. This bill in front of you is about protecting innocent children from being abused and making sure abusers don't go on abusing.

Think about it--as we speak, at least one more child is being hurt (and with 90% of abused kids being abused by someone they know), most likely becoming a victim of a trusted adult. This is one more child who may gather their courage to go to a member of the clergy for help, instead of those individuals who ARE already mandated to report. If you review all of the cases on The Awareness Center's web page, you may start to wonder if this child, too, will be silenced. Will the alleged offenders be investigated by our criminal justice system? Or should the case be kept quiet, so that the alleged offender and his or her family, and the community not be embarrassed? Remember it is your child, your niece, nephew, cousin, etc, that may be at risk.

One of the biggest arguments I've heard over and over from members of the clergy is that if they became mandated to report when they SUSPECT a child is at risk, no one would talk to them. This is the same argument that was used by teachers, doctors and therapists when they were faced with the same bill. And yet they ARE mandated reporters, and let me tell you a secret: people still see therapists, they still seek medical attention, and children still go to school. Having these professionals become mandated reporters did not force them to close shop--but it did and does protect children, every day. It is a fact that both adults and children still seek advice from, and disclose their deepest secrets to, trusted figures who are mandated reporters.

Unfortunately, there have been too many times that I have been mandated by law to make hot-line reports. Most of the time, I wished that I wasn't required by law to do so. But because the law is in place, I make the reports. Sometimes the cases were founded, and sometimes there was either not enough evidence or no evidence. It doesn't matter. I reported my suspicions and law enforcement did its job.

EXAMPLE #1
I was working with a three year old girl. I got a call from her mother, who was extremely upset. The girl was at a play group and started asking her male playmates to pull down their pants. This behavior is not that unusual, but the girl proceeded to perform oral sex on her friend.

Is this normal child behavior? The answer is NO.

I always explain to clients prior to starting treatment that I am a mandated reporter, and explain what that means. After this mother disclosed the story, I reminded her about the mandated reporting laws. I suspected that someone that this girl has contact with was molesting her, so I called the child abuse hot-line. The police and child protection workers did their job. The girl was not a sex offender. She was NOT taken from her family, because she wasn't being abused in her home. This three-year old girl was sexually reactive. She was acting out what she saw being done to one of her playmates by his father in her neighbor's home.

EXAMPLE #2
Back in 2002 there was an incident involving several 12-13 year old female students at Beth Tfiloh, in Pikesville, MD. They told a staff member at the school that they had been exchanging e-mails with Adam Rubin, who had been a coach at their school. The girls told the teacher that Rubin's messages had become sexual in nature. The school's rabbi's policy is to make hot-line reports when they SUSPECT a child is at risk, so a hot-line report was made.

With the permission of one of the girls' parents, detectives began having conversations with Rubin on the Internet using the girl's account, according to the charging documents. The e-mail messages quickly turned sexual, with Rubin explicitly describing how he wanted to sexually interact with the girl, police said. The next night, he expressed concern about what would happen to him if he was caught having sex with a minor, according to the charging documents. A meeting to consummate the online relationship was arranged. Rubin told the girl to wear something "comfy" but that he liked "tight miniskirts" and "midriff tops," the documents said.

Police arrested Rubin in a sport utility vehicle near the Atrium of the Pikesville shopping center. According to the charging documents, Rubin told police he had received as many as 30 pictures on the Internet from underage girls either nude or in a state of arousal and that he thought he had a "problem -- an addiction to the Internet, talking to young girls on it." If Beth Tfiloh didn't report this case, there could have been more victims.

At the risk of over-stating, please bear with me when I clarify once again that being mandated reporter does not mean that we are mandated to INVESTIGATE allegations of abuse. Rather it means that we are required by law to report a situation IF we have a reason to believe that a child MIGHT be at risk of harm and/or neglect. This is true for ALL cases of suspected child abuse.

The investigation part needs to happen, of course, but it is up to highly trained, highly skilled people who have experience in these matters. As a mandated reporter you leave the criminal investigation up to a multi-disciplined task force that work together as a team. And an extremely important element here is that it's an UNBIASED team--they do not have personal relationships with the alleged offender and/or victim. If these highly trained professionals do have such a relationship with an offender or victim, they excuse themselves from investigating the case at hand.

A member of the clergy--just like a therapist or teacher or doctor--who suspects child abuse, and especially in a member or by a member of their community, isn't unbiased. They should not be the ones to investigate. They should, however, be mandated to report suspected child abuse and neglect.

I am here today representing The Awareness Center, asking you to help us focus our attention on the children, rather than on the perceived image of religious groups. Some of these groups have spent or are planning to spend millions of dollars, contracting with private risk management groups, mostly devised to help prevent law suits, rather than to help heal our children and our communities.

The role of clergy, in the process of healing their community is unique. By working as liaisons with child protection services (rather than against them, by not reporting when they suspect abuse in the community) our clergy can become the missing link in meeting our goal to protecting our children. They can educate child protection workers on the customs and traditions specific to each communities.

Please, let us NOT BE AFRAID OF EACH OTHER. Child protection services aren't there to break up families and/or demolish the spiritual bond individuals have with God--they are there to protect children and to offer services to families in need.

The monies spent on private risk management agencies doesn't protect children. It doesn't provide the services needed to help heal the families, or our various religious communities. The only ones we need to be wary of are those who continue to harm our children. We need to STOP protecting offenders--whether they are clergy or lay-people. We need to all be made responsible to our children.

Please help support this bill. Please vote to have clergy join the many others who are already required to put children first by being mandated to report SUSPECTED child abuse and neglect.

Thank You.

Rabbi's Odyssey Reflects Struggle on Sexual Abuse

Rabbi's Odyssey Reflects Struggle on Sexual Abuse 

Jews Begin to Confront Silence That Hid Clergy's Misdeeds

By Alan Cooperman

Washington Post - Sunday, February 2, 2003

During his 30-year career, Sidney I. Goldenberg taught math in the New York schools, served as cantor at two synagogues on Long Island and became the rabbi of a Jewish congregation in California. He was a respected teacher, a man of learning -- and a child molester.
 
Before he was convicted and sent to prison in 1997 for sexually abusing a 12-year-old girl during bat mitzvah lessons, there had been numerous complaints against him. But each time allegations arose, he moved to a new community, leaving a trail of whispers and shattered lives.
Prosecutors, alleged victims and their families say Goldenberg was able to move from job to job because of a wall of silence and shame around sexual abuse in the Jewish community -- a wall that some believe is finally coming down, thanks to the scandal over sexual abuse by Roman Catholic priests.
 
"In the past it was covered up, just like in the Catholic Church," said Vicki Polin, an art therapist in Baltimore who is forming an association of Jewish survivors of childhood sexual abuse. "Survivors' stories were discounted. They were told they were lying. Their parents would go to the proper authorities within the Jewish community and nothing was done."
 
While Catholicism has been hardest hit, almost every major religion in the United States has grappled with cases of child sexual abuse by clergy. Protestant and Jewish leaders assert that their problems are much smaller than those of the Catholic Church, with its celibate priesthood and global hierarchy. But they are moving nonetheless to shore up their disciplinary procedures, prevention programs and insurance policies.
 
In recent years, for example, the Episcopal Church has revised its disciplinary code and extended its internal statute of limitations to encourage victims of abuse to come forward, while the Presbyterian Church (USA) has eliminated its time limit on such complaints. The United Methodist Church recommends that two unrelated adults be present with any child or group of children.
 
The reasons are clear: Lawyers who have specialized in suing Catholic dioceses are turning their sights on other religious groups, including Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. Liability insurance costs are rising for synagogues as well as churches. State legislatures are requiring clergy of all faiths to report allegations of child sexual abuse.
 
"I don't think pedophilia has a religion," said Na'ama Yehuda, a speech pathologist in New York who is co-founder, with Polin, of the Awareness Center, an organization for Jewish survivors of childhood trauma.
 
The center's Web site (www.theawarenesscenter.org) lists more than 30 Jewish officials who have been accused of child sexual abuse. They include the late Shlomo Carlebach, a renowned Hasidic rabbi; Baruch Lanner, an Orthodox rabbi who was convicted last year of molesting two teenage girls; and Jerrold Levy, a Reform rabbi imprisoned for sex crimes involving teenage boys.
 
Goldenberg's story -- pieced together from court documents and interviews with prosecutors, alleged victims and their families -- is a particularly well-documented example of how some Jewish and Protestant clergy, like some priests, have relied on children's shame, parents' trust and other adults' disbelief to keep their misconduct hidden for years.
His trail through four communities in two states resembles the movement of pedophile priests from parish to parish. But there are significant differences.
 
Unlike the priests, who were transferred by superiors, Goldenberg moved on his own volition. The families of some of his alleged victims, all teenage girls, believe that their complaints were ignored or hushed up. But none has sued.
 
"In the Catholic Church, the issue was the cover-up by the church hierarchy. Here, it's the community, not the hierarchy. It's the whole community not wanting to admit trouble in our midst," said Yosef Blau, an Orthodox rabbi at New York's Yeshiva University who counsels victims of sexual abuse.
 
Goldenberg arrived in California in 1996 with glowing recommendations. Leaders of Congregation B'nai Israel, a small Conservative synagogue in the farming town of Petaluma, say they checked the 58-year-old rabbi's references, and no one hinted at any improprieties.
 
The rabbinate, however, was Goldenberg's second career. He had been ordained a year earlier at an independent Orthodox seminary, Tifereth Yisrael in Sayville, N.Y. Before that, he was a public school teacher and a cantor, or prayer singer, at synagogues on Long Island. And there had long been trouble.
 
In 1971, the superintendent of schools in Levittown, N.Y., reprimanded Goldenberg and sent him for a psychiatric evaluation after he allegedly made suggestive remarks to a high school student.
 
In 1976, school records show, he was arrested after another student complained that he had exposed her breasts. The charge was dropped when he resigned, and a lawyer for Goldenberg sent school officials a letter suggesting that they should not mention the incident if they received requests for references.
 
Goldenberg went to work as a part-time cantor and teacher at the Seaford Jewish Center on Long Island. In 1985, a member of that congregation, Donald Novitt, complained that Goldenberg had made sexual comments to his daughter during a lesson for her bat mitzvah, the coming-of-age ceremony for Jewish 13-year-olds.
 
"My first move was to call the rabbi," Novitt recalls. "I said, 'Rabbi, I have something to tell you that's about Cantor Goldenberg.' He said, 'I know what you're going to tell me. We've had complaints before.' "
 
The rabbi, Esor Ben-Sorek, later told police in California that he had received three complaints from 12-year-olds tutored by the cantor. Goldenberg "apologized, said that he was aware of his problem and would seek help, and I then informed him that he would no longer be able to offer religious instruction to girls in the religious school," Ben-Sorek wrote to California investigators.
 
One of Goldenberg's accusers, now in her thirties, is still angry about the synagogue's response.
 
"They did not fire him, they did not really do anything. Nobody ever apologized to me. I had my bat mitzvah and he was there -- he was the cantor who sang in front of my whole family," she said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "When I think back about that, I can't believe it."
 
Another alleged victim, Robin Patrusky, 37, said Goldenberg "spoiled my innocence" but that "I was too shy, too scared to say anything." "It has affected all my relationships to this day," she added.
 
Goldenberg soon moved to the Jewish Center of Bay Shore, another Long Island synagogue, where he was cantor from 1990 to 1996. Its former rabbi, Steven Rosenberg, wrote a letter to the California court saying he was unaware of any allegations before Goldenberg left for California. But he said he later learned that several girls had complained to parents or teachers about suggestive remarks and inappropriate touching by the cantor.
 
The complaints never reached him, Rosenberg said, because the parents and teachers were trying to protect their children from embarrassment, did not want Goldenberg to be fired or "could not believe that Cantor Goldenberg would have done such a thing."
 
In December 1996, Goldenberg was arrested by the Petaluma Police Department for molesting a teenager at Congregation B'nai Israel. Over a four-month period, the girl said, Goldenberg made lewd remarks, touched her breasts, had her lift her shirt, exposed his undershorts and coaxed her to reach into his front pockets for coins.
 
The arrest "really split the congregation here, because he was an extremely popular rabbi, and very few people believed this young girl," said the prosecutor, Sonoma County Deputy District Attorney Gary A. Medvigy.
 
As news of the arrest hit the media, however, 10 women in New York alleged that Goldenberg had abused them in similar ways, usually beginning with dirty talk and progressing to fondling but not intercourse, Medvigy said.
 
Facing mounting allegations, Goldenberg pleaded no contest to a single charge of lewd and lascivious conduct with a minor. He was sentenced in April 1997 to three years in state prison. Although he was released on parole in 1999, he could not be located for this article.
 
The manager of a Santa Rosa, Calif., apartment complex where he lived in 2002 said he moved out a month ago. His attorney, Stephen M. Gallenson, said he did not know Goldenberg's whereabouts. His wife, reached by telephone in New York, said he was in another state and that she did not know when, or if, she would hear from him. His name did not turn up in an online search of sex offenders' registries, computerized public records and telephone listings around the country.
 
Wherever he is, Goldenberg can still call himself a rabbi, because Jewish authorities say ordination is like an academic degree -- once conferred, it cannot be revoked. However, officials of the major Orthodox, Conservative and Reform rabbinical associations said he would not be eligible for membership and doubted that he could find work as a rabbi.
 
Jeff Zaret, president of Congregation B'nai Israel, said it has hired a female rabbi and made a rule that teachers should not meet alone behind closed doors with children.
 
"Everyone here took it seriously," he said. "They weren't going to sweep it under the rug and make it somebody else's problem."
 
Staff researcher Lucy Shackelford contributed to this report.

I Don't Believe You!

© (2003) By Vicki Polin
Examiner - May 14, 2011
(Originally published by The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter in 2003)

Denial is not a river in Egypt!

"I don't believe you" are words that can destroy a soul.

What would it be like for someone who survived the terrorist attacks on September 11th to disclose their experience to a trusted friend, and then be told: "No, we don't believe you, this couldn't have happened, you must be making this up."

We all know that words can hurt, but we don't truly understand why telling someone who was victimized that their story is unbelievable can be incredibly damaging.

Over the years I've received numerous letters and phone calls from members of the clergy along with other community leaders, stating that various individuals from their community had come up to them and disclosed childhood secrets. These community leaders would discuss in their letters that they felt that they had good relationships with these survivors up until the point of disclosure, but now feel things have changed. Why? You may wonder. What happened? The rabbis' response to the individuals who came to see them was that they didn't believe they were indeed abused, and that the problems they had in their lives must have been caused by some other problems. What happened was that these people reached out to their rabbis with a gesture of trust, only to have their painful, personal disclosure dismissed and or discounted.

Such a disheartening exchange holds every potential for changing the relationships between a rabbi and members of his community. Not only is the survivor placed in a position to not trust the rabbi to be there for him/her in time of need; the rabbi himself might from then on view this person as unreliable and unstable, maybe even as potentially disruptive as a potential source of "Lashon Hara" (derogatory speech, that is true). Disclosures of abuse are extremely uncomfortable to listen to. They change our perception of people we thought highly of and believed to be wholesome, to incomprehensible perpetrators. They threaten our vision of the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities. However, as tempting as automatic denial of the authenticity of abuse disclosures might be, applying it without due cause short-changes everyone in the end. By categorically denying stories of abuse rabbis do not only unintentionally deny survivors the help they need in order to heal, they may also deny the perpetrators the help they need to stop abusing. Statistics show that sexual offenders often commit an average of seventy offenses by the time they are caught.

Unless an individual has had specialized training in the area of childhood molestation-and even then only under very specific circumstances, saying "I don't believe you" to someone who shares their trauma with you can be and often is perceived as another form of abuse. As it is, it's extremely hard for a survivor to disclose his/her stories. Experiences of sexual victimization are deeply private matters that often carry a significant amount of confusion and shame. And what does a survivor have to gain from such disclosure? More times than not, there is a lot more to lose than gain. In fact, often times people disclose IN SPITE of knowing that their disclosure may stigmatize them, but do so anyway in order to help save others from going through similar ordeals. When asked, most survivors of childhood abuse state that they would rather not expose themselves that way, would rather have the whole thing go away, would rather not remember that it even happened. Yes, they often yearn for understanding and validation, and it is sometimes why people share their stories, but sadly and all too often, their fears that the people they disclosed to would not look at them in the same light ever again, manifest. All too often people who disclose stories of childhood sexual abuse end up being seen as mentally ill and manipulative, rather than as dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

True, there is often little or no proof that what people claim happened to them, actually did. At the same time, there is often little or no proof that it did not. True, it is far more comfortable to believe that things didn't happen, to hold on to the conviction that no one in your community is so corrupted that they would hurt a child this way. However, what if the stories you hear are true? How does one prove a memory when the only other witness to the event was the offender, who clearly has a vested interest in denying that it ever happened? What are you to do? How are you to decide what to believe?

It is important to remember that it is not your job to prove or disprove what you are hearing-this is what law enforcement and the judicial systems are for. When someone trusts you enough to disclose a deep dark secret, an experience as painful and devastating as childhood sexual abuse, all you are called to do is to listen, then help the survivor/s live the most productive, happy life possible. When you are chosen to bear witness to their stories, you are summoned to help them heal their "Neshema"-their spirit, their soul. You are given an opportunity to help reverse some of the damage that comes with sexual crimes, and to help the survivor see that he/she are good people, worthwhile individuals. That their experiences did not alter their birthright as a part of "Bnei-Israel." That you-the person they look up to-are there for them. That not all is lost.

There are laws in each state regarding mandated reporting to authorities when one becomes aware of possible abuse ("possible" being the operative word-all you need is the suspicion, it is up to the authorities to look into whether it is true). If you aren't already familiar with the laws in your state, call child protection services and find out what they are and if you are a mandated reporter. By listening to a disclosure, even by reporting suspected abuse, you are not proving that what the survivor told you is true or not true. Rather what you are saying to him/her is: "I respect you and your feelings enough to not dismiss you or shame you by letting my discomfort and my hope that it isn't true to come in the way of what you need, the protection that you, too, deserve."

Child abuse is a devastating reality, but it does not need to be a part of our communities' future. By listening to the people in your community and allowing those who were hurt to speak up and be heard, you can help the Jewish community as a whole take a big step toward healing. Take people's disclosure to you as a proof of their trust in you as a competent, compassionate, knowledgeable person, and suspend your personal judgment regarding the factual truth in their stories. According to both the Jewish and Secular law, "one is innocent until proven guilty"-this should include the survivor who discloses a story of abuse. Until there is clear proof that what they claim is not true (which due to the nature of the offense and the time-lag of disclosure, may not be available), saying to them "I don't believe you," deprives survivors of the same leeway that we rush to give the accused.

Many sexually abused children are told by their perpetrators, "Don't tell, because no one would believe you, because I'll say you are lying and they'll believe me, not you." Let's not make these words come true.

Incest, Pregnancy, Abortion and Halacha (Jewish Law)

© (2003) By Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon, and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally published by The Awareness Center

It is always difficult to talk about abortion, and even more so when religion is part of the conversation. Aside from the religious/Halachic questions, much of the debate becomes highly political. Nevertheless, it is imperative to address the extremely delicate issue of abortion, particularly when it comes to incest, sexual abuse, and sexual assault.

There is no doubt that life according to Jewish teaching is sacred. Pregnancy and procreation are encouraged as one of the most important "mitzvahs" (good deeds) for both Jewish men and women. Every person born, every "nefesh" (soul), is "as if a whole world is created" (Maimonides). That said, according to the Jewish view, we don't just make human beings: we are obligated to make humane human beings. As Jews, we are encouraged to follow a life of "Tzaddik", a word that not only refers to justice, but to proactive use of good, such as mercy to the poor and needy. Justice, "Tzaddik", is a prime Jewish virtue and needs to be applied to those already living, to our children, to their mothers, to our communities. Pregnancy is imperative to the survival of the Jewish nation. However, the life of those already living comes before the life of those yet to be born. A fetus, though precious, is not seen as having equal standing as a born person. Rashi, in his commenting on Sanhedrin 72b, says that a fetus is not deemed "nefesh"—a person—until the head emerges in the birthing process. Indeed, as a rule, the Halacha (Jewish Law) rules that a mother's health comes first. The Talmud says: "If a woman suffers hard labor and travail...her life takes precedence over it's (the fetus) life" (Mishne 6).
This precedence isn't limited to life and death situations. Take the case of a pregnant woman who had an ear infection. The doctors said that she could become deaf if she carried to term. The rabbinical response was that deafness "will ruin her life, make her miserable in all her days, make her undesirable in the eyes of her husband...therefore, she should be permitted to abort her fetus..." (Ben Zion Uziel, Mishpetei Uziel, Hoshen Mishpat, 3:46). Most religious authorities agree that not only physical health, but also the mental health of the mother is included. Under some conditions, such as to avoid disgrace in a case where a married woman got pregnant by another man, abortion is not only allowed, "it even may hold the reward of a mitzvah" (Jacob Emden, Responsa She'elat Ya'avetz, No. 34).

How can one possibly call abortion a "mitzvah"? Because sometimes the circumstances are that it is a meritorious action, a sacred choice. The right to choose an abortion has deep religious roots that are based in the "sanctity of life" and on the particular circumstances of each conception.

If a woman who strayed and got pregnant by another man might be allowed to abort the fetus—how much more so if the woman was raped? What if the fetus is the product of incest? What if the woman is still a child herself?

We believe it is up to each individual to decide for themselves the best way to handle their particular situation—and hopefully with the aid of compassionate and qualified help. Adults might have access to a support network of people to assist them. However, children often do not have such access, nor do they have the knowledge of how to handle the problem of pregnancy, or the burden of misplaced shame. For their sake, and the sake of adults without support, we find that it is of importance to suggest the following basic guidelines:

A. We strongly advocate that a minor, or an adult without a support network, find an adult with whom they can confide.

B. This person should be someone who is more than just trustworthy and someone the victim feels comfortable with, but someone who can give guidance and direction.

C. The supportive adult need not be the minor's parent (especially if the pregnancy is due to dysfunctional family patters and/or incest...): he or she could be a teacher, rabbi, neighbor, therapist, rape crisis counselor, medical doctor, or another trained professional.

D. Schools and communities need to provide sex-education programs that include information about rape-prevention, rape-crisis centers and hot-line numbers, so that minors in need know where to go.

E. Teachers and rabbis need to educate themselves about resources in their community, the legal and ethical issues of reporting child-abuse, and the Halachic ruling and/or resources in cases of pregnancies that are the product of rape and/or incest.

Perhaps it could be efficacious to further discuss these delicate situations anecdotally. Case histories of survivors who faced these dilemmas can help us gain critical insight for how to best address such troubling issues.

Diana was thirteen when she became pregnant by her father. She had no idea what was happening to her body. She'd gotten her period for the first time just the year before. When her period was late, she didn't feel like she could tell her mother—so she told one of her friends, Mandy, who had an older sister named Sarah. The three girls spent a lot of time talking and together they decided to call pregnancy hotlines to see what they suggested. What they learned was that if Diana said she was 15 or 16, she could have an abortion without telling her parents, but if she was younger she needed a parent's permission to abort. Diana would have to lie. The three girls made a plan: Mandy and Sarah would tell Diana's parents that Diana was coming to spend the weekend with them, and tell their parents that Diana's parents were going out of town and wanted Diana to stay with them. That Friday, the three girls cut school and went to the abortion clinic. When they were done they came home, and the sisters told their parents that Diana had the flu—an excuse for Diana to stay in bed for a few days to heal. If these girls had a trusted adult to approach, they would not have had to sneak around. Diana wouldn't have had to lie and possibly risk her life. The incest could have been stopped. Had their school provided a sex education program that included information on rape prevention and education, the girls would have known who to go to, Diana would have learned that there was help available to her. She would have known she was not to blame.

Esther was the typical teenager. Coming from a modest, religious home, she was an average student, very active in high school, and had many friends. However, she also had a secret. One she never shared. Esther was an incest survivor. Her father began molesting her at very early age, so much so that Esther couldn't remember her father not bedding with her. As she matured, Esther faced a dilemma—at sixteen, she had a boyfriend, Joel, and wanted to be sexually active with him. However, how could she sleep with Joel if she was also "sleeping" with her father? Having grown with incest as part of her life, and with secrecy, she couldn't see at the time how this conflict was intrinsically wrong! Esther decided that she would refuse her father, even though she knew such refusal would come at a price—refusing her father meant that he would become even more physically abusive to her than before. Esther knew the sacrifice she was making but wanted to be "true" to Joel.

Late every night her father would try to enter her bed, but Esther would tell him no. And every following day he'd find some reason to punish her, often to beat her. When her father's violence started getting to her, Esther remembered how her father would never sleep with her if she had her period. So every night before she went to bed, she would insert a tampon, and when her father came would tell him "not tonight daddy, I've got my period." At first he'd leave, and she was safe for another night, but after several weeks, when she told him once again that she had her period, her father erupted with rage, punched her, and pulled the tampon out, stating "I knew you were lying!" He then raped her.

Two weeks went by and Esther realized that she didn't get her period. As more days passed, she got very scared. She was never late before! Somewhere inside she knew she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. Also, was she pregnant by Joel, or was she pregnant by her father's sexual assault? Joel had no idea that Esther was an incest survivor. He knew of the physical violence, but didn't know what to do about it. Esther decided to tell Joel that she was pregnant by him, and the two of them decided that it would be best for her to get an abortion. Esther was relieved—her real fear was that the baby was really a result of the rape... She needed help, but she didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Imagine how horrible it must be to be sixteen and not sure if you are pregnant by your boyfriend or your father!

As extreme as Esther's case might seem there are all too many like her, and if not properly addressed the ramifications of these situations can last a lifetime. Esther knew that she could never go to her mother for advice—her mother was herself a battered woman and as it was Esther felt responsible for her mother being hurt, often putting herself between her mother and father so that she would get hurt instead of her mom. Esther ended up keeping a terrible secret and going through the abortion by herself.

Unaddressed trauma can often last a lifetime. From the time she was 11 until she was 17, Varda was repeatedly raped by her older brother. She, too, had an abortion when she was 15. She, too, had to go through it alone. Telling her parents that she was going to visit summer-camp friends for a long weekend, Varda took a train out of state and paid for an abortion and a three-day stay at a motel with the money she earned baby-sitting. She had no one to ask for references about the abortion clinic she found in the yellow-pages, no one to help her when her fever shot up and she bled heavily and could barely keep down food or drink. Her parents never asked any questions. Twelve years later, at the age of 27, Varda is single. She makes excuses when she is offered dates and fears getting close to anyone—she is too scarred inside to have children. She is too ashamed to say why. Varda now lives alone and gets panic attacks whenever she goes to visit her family and sees her nephew play with her nieces or whenever she has to sit to the same table as her brother. She has difficulty sleeping and tends to withdraw from social activities. She suffers from severe clinical depression. Though there's no guarantee that early emotional support and clinical intervention could have prevented Varda's long-term consequences of trauma, maybe if she had someone to talk to, she wouldn't have ended up in a shady clinic, would be able to deal with the incest and raise a family of her own. She'd be spared the pain she is still going through now.

Jewish law teaches us that life is sacred, and that we are to cherish the living over the unborn. All the more so when the unborn was conceived through inconceivable acts. Following the teachings of " ", we are called to provide the needy and destitute with compassion and real-life help. Incest and rape can and do result in pregnancies. While we work to end sexual assault in our communities, we need to open our hearts and minds to support the victims of such crimes and to offer them information and help in their time of excruciating decisions. We need to let survivors of rape and incest see and feel that they hold no shame in our eyes—the shame is on those who hurt them. Let's educate our children so that they are no longer vulnerable, and educate ourselves so that we can help the ones who were taken advantage of. Abortion is never an easy thing to do, but in some cases it is not only allowed, it can even hold the reward of a Mitzvah!

Soul Searching: Sexual abuse, cults, and missionaries

© (2003 ) By Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally publish by The Awareness Center

Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people; neither shalt thou stand idly by the blood of thy neighbor" (Leviticus 19:16).

Where is God? Is he/she really out there? If there really is a God why did he/she allow me to get hurt as a child? These are very common question amongst survivors of childhood sexual abuse. But why should we care? After all, Jews don't abuse their children! Or do they?

Unfortunately, in the past many Jewish survivors of sexual abuse have been met with denial, rationalizations, and blame from various "trusted officials" in the Jewish community when they'd reached out for help. It's still not uncommon for a survivor to go to various rabbinical authorities with their questions; and end up feeling rejected when they disclosed their abuse histories. Time after time adults who, as children, were subjected to sexual criminal activities, were told that the mere fact that they were disclosing their victimization was considered lashon hara ('derogatory speech, that is true'). Basically meaning the fact that they were speaking out, was wrong.

Did you ever stop and wonder "What happens to an individual who feels betrayed by their own community?" Some survivors may try to find another rabbi to talk to, but all too often doing so, seems like a futile task. After all, how many times does a person have to feel rejected? It is important to remember that survivors are not unlike ourselves--they are searching for answers. Jewish survivors of childhood abuse need to hear loud and clear that they were NOT and are NOT to blame; that God did not cause the abuse as some form of punishment. Survivors need to know that they are NOT innately "bad." However, when an individual is told that their disclosure in of itself is considered " lashon hara". . . what they hear is: "God hates me", "I must be the one who's bad." Keeping this in mind, where can a survivor of childhood sexual abuse go to for spiritual guidance? Especially when they already feel that they have been rejected by our rabbis and possibly the rest of our community. Many will continue on, searching for a spiritual identity. Sadly, all too often they fall prey to missionaries and cult leaders, or just drift into some form of eclectic spirituality.

Statistics in the United States depict that one out of every 3-5 women and one out of 5-7 men have been sexually abused by the time they reached their 18th birthday. General research about cult and cult-like groups indicate a high percentage of members who have been victims of childhood abuse. Unfortunately, at this time there is no data specifying the percentage of "Jewish cult victims" who have histories of childhood sexual abuse.

According to facts provided by Jews for Judaism, nearly 1.4 million of the approximately 5.5. million adults of Jewish parentage and/or upbringing in the United States, affiliate with or have converted to a religion other than Judaism. There are over 900 separate missionary groups targeting Jewish communities for conversion, with over $250 million spent annually.

The cult problem is so prevalent, that the chances of a family member joining a cult are greater than a family member catching chicken pox, four times greater than contracting AIDS, 90 times greater than contracting measles, and 45,000 times greater than contracting polio. (Dr. Paul Martin, director of Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center, Ohio). When we consider the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and joining cults in the general population, and in light on the above statistics, we need to face the very real possibility that there is a correlation between childhood sexual abuse and the numbers of Jews who leave Judaism. We desperately need to confront and address these problems.

Clearly, it is extremely difficult to even entertain the thought that Jews would abuse their own children, let alone that individuals who represent Jewish life and have a connection with Torah would. "How could they (e.g. Rabbis, teachers, youth leaders) do anything so terrible as commit sexual offenses against our children"? The problem is that when these issues are brought up, they are met with denial, dismissal, protection of the alleged offender(s), and various other forms of rationalizations.

All too often both professionals in the field and survivors will hear things such as: "Why bring the stuff up now?" "Why muddy up people's reputation, after all the good they've done for so many?" Once again, we need to be reminded that innocent children are getting hurt. When we deny someone who has been violated a voice, we face loosing them to other religions. When we turn a blind eye, we are saying that it is okay for our children to be the next ones hurt.

We are all aware today of what's happening in the Catholic Church. However, Jewish communities around the globe have been guilty of same or similar actions. As a community, we need to stop discounting survivors stories, rationalizing that they couldn't have happened, and/or covering up the truth. We need to stop blaming victims. It's time to break this cycle!

Nothing would make us happier than to be able to say that the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities, but sadly it is not. "Letting by gones be by gones" is hardly the way to start healing the deep wounds many in our community are suffering. We can no longer go along with saying "an event happened such a long time ago, why talk about it now, just get past it." Please note that for many victims of sexual abuse, time may past, but on an emotional level the abuse just happened. They develop something called: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

We need to let the victims/survivors of sexual crimes have a voice (the actions done to them were criminal offenses)--they need to be heard, and validated, not be re-victimized. It is important that we stop telling them to "hush up." Remember the statistics: one out of every 3-5 women, and one out of every 5 -7 men in our communities were most likely sexually victimized as children. If we want to keep them Jewish, it's time that we BELIEVE our children (and the adult survivors).

As a people, we need to do something NOW. We can't allow one more child to be hurt. If we do, we face the fact that another disillusioned Jew may fall prey to another missionary and/or cult.