Are you worshiping your God or your Ego?

Throw Away Children of God?

© (2003)  By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, ATR-BC, NCC

Can you imagine being deserted on the streets by your parents at the age of six or seven? What would you do? How could you fend for yourself? What happens when you get hungry, tired or when darkness comes? Can you imagine the terror? These sorts of predicaments are exactly how one would describe a “Throw Away Child". Recently this term has been used by several adult survivors of child abuse -- coming from all faiths, as a way to describe their feelings of being turned away when trying to connect or re-connect with various religious leaders, faith based communities and or even to God.

The first representative a child has of God is that of their parents. If one or both of their parents were abusive, the child believes that God is abusive. The same could be said for those who are incest survivors many believe that God must also be a pedophile.

Survivors who were abused in their home, often grew up without mentally healthy role models, or even a stable home environment. One of their issues is learning how to trust. This is not an easy task for the survivor, nor will it be easy for an individual who wants to reach out to mentor them.

Individuals who want to help survivors have to remember that even though a person may be physiologically and chronologically an adult, on an emotional and even on a spiritual level an adult survivor of abuse may still be in their infancy. We all must be mindful when survivors discuss their thoughts and feelings -- especially when it comes to their own personal experiences and understanding when they describe the problems they have connecting with a higher power (AKA: God). One should never shame or blame a survivor of child abuse for their victimization, their beliefs, or their inability to feel safe when it comes to spiritual matters.

Survivors of child abuse often have never been allowed or given the opportunity to work through various issues and or to learn and develop the needed skills to grow spiritually. The good thing is that these misunderstandings can be turned around with the right interventions.

To help these types of survivors, one must try to understand the individual person they want to help. No two survivors are alike. It is important to really understand where each individual survivor is coming from emotionally and how much time, energy and patience will be required to establish a trusting relationship.

When a survivor trusts someone enough to disclose their childhood abuse histories, they are often shunned or ignored by those in faith based communities. When this occurs the survivor not only feels that they had been deserted by the community they may also feel as if God is once again doing the same thing.

All too often survivors of child abuse feel as if they are wearing a scarlet letter. They often feel as if their very essence is no good. Too many feel as if they have no purpose in life and or that they were born evil.

It is also not that uncommon for those who were abused as children to feel suicidal. Unfortunately too many survivors have acted out these feelings, and way too many have died.

"Maureen", a professor at a major university in the United States said she felt as if she was "a bad, dumb, dirty, little girl" after an encounter with her rabbi. Maureen was having a spiritual crisis, and needed guidance. She went to someone she trusted. She did the right thing, yet the rabbi had no training or experience dealing with abuse issues. He told her that he didn't believe her. The rabbi not only knew Maureen's parents; he also considered them to be his friends. The rabbi didn’t have the education or training to understand that there could be a connection between Maureen's eating disorder and the abuse in her home as a child. During the encounter, Maureen disclosed she was crushed and described that "her child within" her was emotionally devastated.

After several attempts of connecting with other forms of spirituality, Maureen decided that "organized religion wasn't for her". She came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as a God. She even stated "If there was, why would God allow these things to happen to me?"

Maureen also figured that since the other rabbis she contacted, or other religious leaders from other faiths could not answer her questions, then the concept of a God was just a myth.

Times are changing, Maureen is trying once again to connect with her spiritual identity, along with hundreds (perhaps thousands) of other adult survivors of all faiths.

Our religious leaders and communities are being given an opportunity to help heal some of these very deep wounds.

Many adult survivors are filled with a lot of anger, mistrust, and sadness. My hope is that everyone will open their hearts and be able to embrace those who have been victimized as children, so that they can heal and grow. This is not going to be an easy task.

We all must realize there are thousands of survivors who feel as if they have been "thrown away", not only by our spiritual leaders, yet by the communities they grew up within.

As a society, we all have the responsibility to listen, learn and allow them to bear-witness.

The truth is that we will also be forced to deal with our own personal feelings. There is a possibility that those who mentor survivors, may end up with symptoms of secondary post-traumatic stress disorder, compassion fatigue, and or vicarious victimization. But as civilized people, we MUST help them heal.

Spirituality, Sexuality: How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God

© (2003) By Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda 

Originally published by The Awareness Center's Daily News Letter - 2003

Reprinted by The Examiner on May 16, 2011

Spirituality and Sexuality are very often confusing issues for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for several valid reasons. In families where the concept of God is present, a child's first representation of God is either of their parents or through their parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a view of God that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a family of violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being that is controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been sexually violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a sex offender. Survivors' internalize a view of a punishing, abusive God, who only allows bad things to happen to them because "God loves them." They live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their thoughts, because God can read those and therefore punished for even feeling angry, upset or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a perception of the world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would naturally question the veracity of a kind, loving God.

The Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical educator was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was "hateful." The commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or seduced young women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual. Unfortunately, despite this tradition to ostracize such offenders, Jewish communities have not taken such a strong, responsible position toward molesters. Too often when allegations of child molestation are brought to the attention of community leaders, parents or relatives of victim's are reminded that discussing issues of molestation within the community or bringing these types of allegations to the public would result in any number of negative outcomes for the survivor. These consequences include difficulty finding a marital partner of substance for not only the survivor, but also other family members, or could result in the survivor or family members of survivors not getting into good yeshivas (schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of having to relocate to another town as a result of the political pressures following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to struggle with their trust and belief in God so does the survivor's family.

We have begun to discuss the possibility of a correlation between assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According to the most recently available data one in every three to five women, and one out of every five to seven men, have been sexually abused by their 18th birthday. As part of the healing journey, the majority of survivors of abuse reach the point where they try to integrate what happened to them on a spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs, surrounded by individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors often feel different. Jews have very different customs then that of their Christian friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated background, they may feel at a loss -- unsure of what to do, or how to do it while survivors from backgrounds that were more traditional and included a Jewish education may feel betrayed by that background. The confusion of the healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy spiritual place within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor of childhood abuse to do?

Up until now there have been very few individuals who are "survivor friendly" in the Jewish community. We need to start opening our minds and our hearts to begin listening to survivors of childhood sexual abuse bearing witness. Just like holocaust survivors, who were initially shunned, survivors of childhood abuse need to be allowed to speak in order to heal, to be able to learn to connect with God, to see God as something other then neglectful, abusive and cruel. Those listening to these disclosures have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to the survivors. It is vitally important to make sure they have access to a support group conducted by a trained facilitator who is experienced with compassion fatigue (secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), so they are allowed to debrief and maintain balance, after hearing the voices of survivors.

Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She indicated that she spent her life trying to connect to something that was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over the years she approached many rabbis asking them questions. Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a lack of training, were unable to help her understand either her questions or the concepts with which she need the most help. Most had difficulty listening to her disclose her abuse history. When Karen was a child, while her father was molesting her, he would say "this is how you know God loves you . . . you know anything that feels this good has to have come from God . . . this is how you know God is inside you." Knowing this information would be critical in understanding Karen's difficulties with the concept of God. Yet most Rabbis doing outreach were unable to help her reframe her experience and make it possible for Karen to learn to connect.

Rivka was in her teens when she first disclosed to a friend that her father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her father was also a principal of a school for young boys. Her friend told her mother, who in turn, went to a local community leader to ask for advice. Because of the stature of her father, the community leader suggested they keep quiet about the abuse. As time went on, Rivka was unable to cope. As a teen she ran into some difficulties and ended up moving into the home of one of her classmates. Due to political pressure within the community, the family that Rivka resided with was asked not to daven (pray) in the synagogue they had been members of for years. The family was dedicated to helping Rivka heal, and were not about to put her out on the streets. Rivka eventually went to college, was able to support herself financially, got married and is the mother of three. Rivka came from a Torah observant upbringing, but from her experiences with the denial of the community, she no longer practices. She feels betrayed by her family, the Jewish community, and most importantly by God. When speaking to community leaders of the town she was from, and when her name is mentioned, they make comments such as she's happy, she is married and has children. But they are not completely correct. Rivka's is in mourning. She misses her biological family, she misses her connection to her community and she feels that has no one to talk to about her feelings about God.

Mitch grew up in family filled with physical and sexual violence. The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents made sure to enroll all their children in programs so that they could learn about Judaism. There was a problem -- Mitch was deaf. None of the Jewish educational programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient at lip reading and disclosed that he was bored and felt left out. Growing up Mitch never felt that he was a part of his family since the majority of his family members were not proficient in sign language. He was alone isolated in his deaf world.

School was Mitch's only respite. He was enrolled in a school for the deaf, and could communicate freely with people who could understand and relate to him. Growing up in the South and being deaf meant that he didn't have any Jewish friends. As he reached high school, he wanted to be like his friends. Most of them went to church. Mitch had no concept of God, and was like a sponge to learn, to connect to something spiritual. Mitch's concept of God was that of a father who was filled with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish community ever took the time to meet Mitch's needs. He never was given the opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings about his concepts of God to anyone Jewish. But then the missionaries reached him. Like so many survivors, the desire to feel loved was strong. His new friends knew this and showed him unconditional love. He would do anything to feel loved and cared for, and if it meant learning about another religion, then he did it. When his family realized what was happening they tried to rectify the situation, but again it was done in a way that appeared to be an attempt to control and abuse him. Their attempt was unsuccessful. To this day Mitch's views Judaism as something that is abusive and wrong.

The more our communities, and our leaders are educated on the issues relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it will be to help heal the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse. Band-Aids can only cover up an infection. Our communities need to do major wound care, some individuals may require "spiritual surgery," while others my just need a topical ointment. But together as a community, as a people we can come together and heal the world.