Thirty-three Days

© (2009) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Over twenty-four years of working with survivors of sex crimes,  I have watched many individuals struggle with trying to figure what they need to do to heal.  

For many it can take years to just tell another person that they had been victimized, let alone to make a police report or even enter into counseling. There are many different factors that one has to consider when trying to understand how and why a survivor will or might respond to a particular situation.

Each survivor has to decide for themselves what is best for them on so many different levels. No one can decide for them. And yet it is vitally important for each individual who has been sexually victimized to know that they have choices and what those choices are. By being provided with accurate information, the survivor (and or their family members in cases of child sexual abuse) will be able to make an educated decision.

Both adults and children who are survivors need people in their lives who are unbiased, without an agenda, and who are not connected to their personal lives, community or that of their offender(s) -- and who can provide them with a safe place to open up and share their experience, thoughts and feelings so that they are able to come to a place where they can choose for themselves what to do next. This is especially true since the ability to make choices was taken away from them by their offender during the time that they were being victimized. A survivor needs to take back the control and the ability of deciding for themselves.

We all need to realize that when a boy or girl, man or woman are sexually harassed, abused, assaulted or violated in any other way; their lives are forever changed on many different levels.

The victimized individual will have to deal with issues pertaining to their ability to trust, to feel a sense of safety and security. The sad reality is that once a survivor start talking about what happened to them, there is a strong possibility that they will also lose friendships, sometimes their employment, connections with their synagogue, community and in some cases -- connection with family members.

No one is immunized to being sexually victimized, no matter what their life experiences is, who they are related to, their age and or social economical status, or even what they do for a living. Not even me.

I have to admit that I am still in a state of shock and have not spoken out publicly before about the fact that this past summer (July 2009) I was assaulted.

Due to the fact my case is currently in litigation I am not at liberty to go into some of the details of the assault. The reason I am speaking out now is because I feel it is important to share the fact that it took me thirty-three days to make a police report. ME, Vicki Polin, who is the founder and executive director of The Awareness Center; a licensed mental health professional who has been advocating for survivors of sexual violence for the last twenty-five years!

I was in a state of shock following the assault. The offender was a relative of dear and trusted friend, a relative of someone whom I looked up to and respected and someone who has been like a father to me. I don’t know what I was thinking, yet I didn’t do what I would have expected of me... I was confused by my own hesitation to make an immediate call to the police. Instead I found myself care taking the family of the offender instead of taking care of my own personal needs.

Finally I consulted with several different professionals who are also victim advocates, none of whom had a connection to my personal life nor my community. It took thirty-three days before I found the strength to make a police report. I was fortunate to have a friend with me when I did this. The offender was charged with second degree assault and forth degree sexual assault. I was fortunate to have had a group of friends with me the day that the case went to trial, as their presence gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. The man who assaulted me was found guilty on both charges.

The reason I am making this public at this time is because I want others to realize that if it took someone who has been advocating for survivors for a quarter of a century thirty-three days to make a police report, it makes perfect sense that it could, and often would take others much longer.

If you have been a victim of a sex crime--you are not alone. You are not a bad person, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. The shame and blame belong totally to the individual(s) who assaulted you and also with anyone who attempted to cover up the crime(s). I want to encourage everyone who has been sexually victimized to make police reports, even if it takes you much more then thirty-three days to do so.

Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC was the founder and director of The Awareness Center, which was the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Assault. She is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with over thirty years of experience working in the sexual trauma field.

Questions to ask yourself before disclosing, confronting or going public

© (1992, Revised 2006) By Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC, NCC

WARNING!

Survivors of various forms of sexual violence (childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, clergy abuse, professional sexual misconduct and sexual harassment) often want to disclose their experiences, confront their perpetrators, and/or speak-out about their victimization. This is done in an attempt to try to help educate the public. Often the urge to share personal information about one self occurs during various stages of healing. 

If you are considering speaking out PLEASE review the many questions listed in this pamphlet. You may also want to refer to "The Courage to Heal" (by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass) and "The Courage to Heal Workbook" (by Laura Davis). It is also highly suggested that you consult with your family, friends and or therapist prior to speaking engagements.

Unfortunately, the reality is that our society has NOT been very accepting and/or understanding to the various issues faced by many adult survivors of sexual violence. The majority of the survivors who have confronted individuals, and/or have gone public -- shared that they had negative experiences after sharing their abuse histories with others. These survivors have all been met with disbelief -- been considered to be crazy, hysterical and/or delusional. Too often survivors state that after the disclosures, they felt that they have lost a level of credibility. 

We, as survivors can not be responsible for the reactions of others. What we can do is take control of our actions and be prepared for the outcome if we decide to share our histories with others. It is vital for each individual decide for him/her self, and be sure that they are not being pressured to going public. This is a reminder that once you share information about yourself -- you can NOT take it back! 

If you thinking about going public, it is important to consider how you are going to do it.

• Are you going to use your real name or a pseudonym?
• Will you wear a disguise of some sort?
• Will you be paid? How much?
• If you are going on television will the producer of the show agree in writing to use a computer and distort both your voice and face (this is strongly suggested for the beginner)?
• Will you have to sign a contract or an agreement? What will it say? It is strongly suggested you read the agreement BEFORE the day you are supposed to speak-out (and if possible have an attorney review it too)!
• Will your attempt to educate the public cause harm to your credibility? Are you allowing yourself to be exploited?
• Will it hurt you in your present or future career, social life, family life (including your spouse and children)?

The Following are some questions you can ask yourself to help you make up your mind if disclosing, confronting and/or going public is right for you.

Directions: Answer the following questions on a separate piece of paper. Think about the following questions and your answers. Share your responses with at least one trusted support person. Ask for Feedback! BEFORE you disclose and/or confront someone.

1. Whom do I want to tell? Why?
2. Is someone or something internally/externally pressuring me to disclose my abuse history or confront my perpetrator(s)? Who and/or What is pressuring me?
3. If my plans includes going public, what are my motives? (It's suggested you consider all of the following questions before speaking in any public forum).
4. What do I hope to gain from this disclosure and/or confrontation? What could I loose by this disclosure and/or confrontation? Are my expectations realistic?
5. Have I thought about safety issues? What are they for me?
6. What are my motives for confronting my perpetrators? Do I have to be concerned about my safety?
7. Am I confronting my perpetrator(s) to gain information? Can anyone else supply me with the information I desire?
8. Would I be risking something I still want from my family (i.e. financial and/or emotional support, inheritance, employment in family business, other)?
9. Could I live with the possibility of being excluded from family gatherings (i.e. Holidays, Weddings, Deaths in my family. . .)? What would that mean to me? How would I deal with the loss?
10. Am I willing to take the risk of losing contact with other family members with whom I want to stay connected? What would that mean? Would I deal with the loss?
11.  Am I grounded and stable enough to risk being called crazy?
12. Could I maintain my own reality in the face of denial?
13. Can I withstand the anger that I am likely to face from others?
14. Could I handle my own anger and/or other feelings? How would I do that?
15. Could I handle no reaction at all?
16. Do I have a solid enough support system to back me up before, during and after the confrontation?
17. Which support people agreed to be available before, during, and after?
18. Can I realistically imagine both the worst and best outcomes that might result? Could I live with either one?
19. How have I prepared myself for the Confrontation and/or disclosure?
20. Other issues I've considered regarding confronting or disclosing my abuse to others. 

Remember: It is important that you focus on yourself and your own personal needs before deciding to go disclose, confront and/or go public. This is also true before, during and after any confrontation. Try to remember what you want or need to say (for your own personal needs and not anyone else's), how you want to handle the situation, rather than on any response you may hope to get. Plan to process the confrontation and/or disclosure with your therapist and/or trusted support person(s). Remember, this can be an ongoing task (and that's ok).