The Top Ten Skills of Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

The Top Ten Skills of Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

© (1995) Aubrieta V. Hope

10.  The ability to figure things out quickly.  As children, we were given few clues of approaching danger.  We had to learn how to recognize the warning signs, assess a situation accurately, and react quickly.

9.  Persuasiveness.  It takes more than physical agility to dodge abuse.  We had to use our wits as well--sometimes that meant thinking fast and coming up with a clever excuse or argument.  years of communicating with illogical or angry adults can really build your vocabulary!

8.  Flexibility.  To survive trauma and abuse, we had to be able to adapt to all kinds of difficult situations.  Our childhoods didn't come with a clear-cut job description.  Abusive adults act in unpredictable ways--we had to "roll with the punches". 

7.  Compassion.  Not all victimized children grow up to be compassionate adults--some become abusers themselves.  But those who break the cycle have a great capacity for empathy.  We can relate to people who are in in need, because we've been there.

6. The ability to learn without being taught.  Childhood trauma and abuse can interfere with a little person's ability to concentrate in school.  And, abusive adults often sabotage the learning process by terrorizing, shaming or neglecting a child.  Despite all these obstacles, somehow we managed to learn anyway.

5.  Acute observation skills.  As kids, many of us had to "have eyes in the back of our head".  We learned how to watch without seeming to observe.  No wonder so many of us identified with Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys!

4.  Creativity.  When a child's environment is harsh, the rule of the jungle prevails: "only the fittest survive." Conditions like that require imagination.

3.  Perceptiveness.  Kids who live in a dangerous environment have to rely on "gut instinct". No one bothered to explain trouble to us.  To protect ourselves, we developed the ability to read body language and listen to what's not being said.

2.  Endurance.  When life is frightening and painful, childhood is a long time.  It can take 18 years to get out--most convicted felons have shorter sentences!  Abused children develop an amazing capacity to withstand and outlast the unbearable.

1.  Resourcefulness.  (Enough said).

Guidelines For Disciplining Children Who Have Been Abused

(This article was originally published in 1995 and reprinted by The Times of Israel on July 3 2015)

Disciplining children who have been abused can be a real challenge! And while there is no single method which has been proven to work for all children, the following tips represent what mental health professionals who work with and/or study child behavior have learned.

Using the discipline techniques outlined in this pamphlet, in combination with what you already know about your child(ren); will help you to develop the best and most effective way to set appropriate limits. Remember children learn best when you practice consistency in your discipline techniques. 

Tip #1  Physical: means punishments that are inappropriate, ineffective, and harmful to children!

This includes spanking, hitting, pinching, whipping, slapping . . . Spanking children teaches them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. There is a fine line between spanking and abuse. In addition, it simply does not work. Children, especially children who have been physical and/or sexually abused, often have learned how to dissociate themselves from pain. Basically, being hit or hurt in some way is nothing new to abused children. Spanking is also tremendously humiliating for your child. No child should be made to feel that way — it leads to shame and low self esteem, which in turn lead to further behavior problems. Spanking kids can lead to a vicious cycle. Hitting children is a way to take out your anger on a child (this should never be the guiding emotion behind any punishment). In short, spanking benefits the spanker more than the spanked. When you feel like hitting a child, go into another room, hit a pillow instead. Once you’ve cooled down, then you’ll be ready to go back and deal with the child.

Tip #2  Positive reinforcement works wonders. It is much easier to increase a positive behavior than it is to decrease a negative one. In simple terms, that means if you lavish praise on your children when they do well, they will continue to do the right thing. It is much easier to get a child to “keep up the good work”, than to get a child to stop doing something which gives him/her lots of negative attention. But if you give lots of

Remember children thrive on attention, (either positive or negative attention).

Tip #3  Use the time out method. If you isolate a child for a certain amount of time when he or she gets a little unruly, it gives him/her a chance to cool down. If a child is misbehaving, give a warning that he/she will need to go to a “time out”, if the behavior does not stop. The most important part of the warning is following through with the warning. If the behavior does not stop, send the child to a chair or a corner for a few minutes (depending on the child’s age . . . 1 minute for each year). Use a kitchen time to make sure the time out is exactly as long as you say it will be. One important lesson learned by giving a warning prior to “time out”, is that the child learns there are choices in ones life.

If you spank a child, you teach him/her violence. If you yell at a child, you teach him/her shame. If you use choices and fair, NONVIOLENT consequences, you teach the child that he/she has power to effect his/her own life, and that he/she can make a choice to behave or not to behave (and suffer the consequences of a “time out”).

Too Much Pressure?

1. Take some deep breaths. Remember, you are the adult
2. Remember that good parenting must be learned and, at times, is very demanding. It’s okay to ask for help to improve your parenting skills.
3. Close your eyes and think about what you want to say. Don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
4. Put your child in a ‘time-out’ chair (one minute fore each year of age).
5. Think about why you are angry. Does the situation call for such a reaction?
6. Phone a friend.
7. Splash water on your face.
8. Turn on some music
9. If someone can watch your child, take a short walk

Communication Tips

1. Gently touch your child before you speak
2. Say their name.
3. Speak in a quiet voice.
4. Look at your child in the eye so you can tell if he/she understands.
5. Bend or sit down-get on your child’s level.
6. Give children the same courtesy and respect you give your adult friends.
7. Encourage talking by asking about your child’s day or asking his opinion about important things.
8. Children are never too young or too old to be told “I love you”.

Praise

Find opportunity to praise your child, it is the best way to encourage good behavior. Be observant and you will find many.

Ways to praise your child:

1. Way to go.
2. I’m proud of the way you did that.
3. Thank you
4. I knew you could do it.
5. Good job.
6. Excellent.
7. I trust you.
8. You mean the world to me.
9. Beautiful work.
10. I love you.
11. Well done.
12. Good for you.
13. You’re terrific.
14. Great discovery.
15. Fantastic work.
16. Job well done.

Children need discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment. It is a way to teach a child appropriate behavior.
2. Set reasonable, clear and consistent rules and limits. Do not change from day to day.
3. Ignore negative behavior. Children ‘act up’ to get attention.
4. Let children help with your daily activities and give them responsibilities that fit their capabilities.
5. Show children how to correct what they’ve done wrong, by apologizing, cleaning up, etc.
6. Determine appropriate discipline for misbehavior.
7. Change the environment. Remove the child from the situation.
8. Talk to your child about self control and how t make better choice
9. Avoid yelling. Speak in a clear, serious tone of voice.
10. Rejection, Withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another can be as damaging as physical abuse.

 If you say “NO” too much, it loses impact.

1. Try words other than “non” like “stop”, “oh”, or “wait”.
2. Call your children by name when warning them.
3. Explain the situation to them.
4. Anticipate conflicts and address it before it happens.
5. Suggest alternatives to unacceptable behavior. Explain you love them, but there is problems with their behavior.
6. Listen to your children. You may change your mind.

Anne Marie and Eric Erikkson Heroes to many - Incest Survivors Resource Network

Founders of the first group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse

Anne Marie and Eric Erikkson

WANTED By the Law Magazine - APR 1995
By Griffin Reed

When most people think of incest, the situation that comes to mind most readily is a stepfather molesting a stepdaughter. Statistically, this is the most reported. However, there are other patterns of abuse -- such as a son seduced by his mother. Erik Eriksson's childhood was one of these cases. After a lifetime of pain, he courageously helped found an organization to assist others dealing with similar problems.

It took Erik 59 years to come out from under the shadow of what his outwardly well-functioning but emotionally disturbed mother did to him between the time he was 11 and 18. As an adult, he now recognizes that she used sex to keep him under her control. Once young Erik decided that what his mother was doing to him was wrong, he quickly married and left home, attempting to keep his marriage a secret. Erik believes that, because of his mother's own traumatic background, her failings were not intentional.

Tragically, Erik's first wife died of cancer. His mother tried to re-enter his life again at that time, but by then he was strong enough to resist her. Before long, he re-married and embarked on successful careers as a military pilot and then as a technical writer. His second marriage was happy enough, and he fathered two sons in the bargain. Again, tragedy struck -- Erik's second wife also died of cancer. He turned to drink to stave off the shame, grief, and guilt, becoming an alcoholic. After four years, he sobered up with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and met his present wife, Anne Marie, a pioneer in the incest survivor movement, at the first meeting of an organization she had started as a vehicle to enable incest survivors to provide education to the public and to interact with professional groups, as well as provide peer groups for themselves.

Erik says his road to healing has been a long and painful process. But in his marriage with Anne-Marie, a retired probation officer, he has found peace at last. Together they turned their pain into triumph by founding Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI) in 1983; an expansion of the organization began by Anne-Marie. For both of them, this volunteer service has been their Quaker peace ministry.

Common Symptoms of Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (1994) Victoria Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

1. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless.
   
2. Fear of abandonment and other abandonment issues.
   
3. Acting out behavior. Not knowing how to identify, process and or express intense feelings in more productive ways.
   
4. Unexplained fears of being alone at night, nightmares and/or night terrors. . .
   
5. Feeling overly grateful/appreciative from small favors by others.
   
6. Boundary issues: lack of, needing to be in control, power issues, fear of losing control...
   
7. Eating disorders including: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over-eating etc...
   
8. Headaches, arthritis and/or joint pain, gynecological disorders, stomach aches and other somatic symptomology.
   
9. Unexplained anxiety/panic, when with individuals from childhood.
   
10. Extreme guilt/shame.
    
11. Obsessive/compulsive behaviors (not necessarily Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder).
    
12. History of being involved in emotionally, psychological and/or physically violent relationships(emotionally, physically).
    
13. Memories of domestic violence in childhood.
    
14. Sexual acting out, "sexaholism", history of prostitution, performing in porn films...
    
15. Distorted body image/poor body image.
    
16. Hypervigilance.
    
17. History of ambivalent or intensely conflicted relationships.
    
18. Depersonalization. Feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real (or vice versa).
    
19. Blocking out periods of one's life (usually ages 1-12) or a specific person or place.
    
20. History of multi-victimizations in other forms.
    
21. Extremely high or low risk taking.
    
22. Obsession with suicide at various times of the year or after triggering events.
    
23. Wearing layers of clothing, even in the summer - caused by body image issues.
    
24. Intense anxiety and/or avoidance of gynecological exams.
    
25. Unexplained fears of suffocation.
    

Common Coping Mechanisms Used by Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (1994) Victoria Polin, MA, LCPC, ATR-BC, NCC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

Important Reminder: When reviewing this list it is important to remember that the information provided should not be used as the soul determiner of childhood sexual abuse. This list only provides the reader with a list of some common Coping Mechanisms that are used by many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is also important to remember that coping mechanisms are learned behavioral patterns used to cope. They are not necessarily all "good" or "bad". Many individuals have used their abuse learned coping mechanisms to benefit them professionally and in other personal situations.

1. Minimizing abuse history/herstory and actions of offender(s).

2. Rationalization of one's victimization. "Oh, he/she just didn't know any better. He/She was also abused as a child".

3. Denial is more comfortable for both a child and adult survivor to pretend the abuse never occurred, than face the emotional/psychological pain of the violation.

4. Repression/Forgetting. One's body's way of denying victimization

5. Splitting. Seeing the world in terms of black and white (no shades of gray). Common in survivors when the behavior of the offender was either abusive or loving (no middle).

6. Lack of Integration. On the inside feeling you are bad/evil. On the outside being a super achiever. Developing a "false self". 

7. Out of body experience(s) during the abuse. Feeling that one watched the abuse occurring to one's body. 

8. Control Issues. The more chaotic family life in childhood, the stronger control issues are an issue.

9. Dissociation/Spacing Out. Everyone does this at times; the difference is degree and frequency. Example of normal dissociation: Driving a car and realizing you are farther along then you believed.

10. Hyper awareness/Super alert. Awareness of everyone and everything around you.

11. Workaholism/Business. Staying busy is one way of avoiding feelings.

12. Escape/Running away. Passive ways include reading books, sleeping and watching television. It's important to remember fantasies can be the source of a rich creative life and can be vital to healing.

13. Psychiatric Hospitalizations. Can be used as a respite from intense feelings and/or flashbacks.

14. Self - Mutilation/Self-Harm/Self-Injury. Internalization of offender. Instead of being hurt by victimizer, survivor hurts one's self. Often releases intense feelings and/or numbness after mutilation occurs.

15. Suicide Attempts. Often occurs when survivors feels trapped with no way out. "Don't kill yourself, call a friend, your therapist or a crisis hot-line instead!"

16. Isolation. Feeling safer when alone ("No one can hurt me if I'm alone").

17. Addictions are common ways of coping with the pain of sexual abuse. They are usually self - defeating and self - destructive (drugs, food, gambling, sex . . . ).

18. Lying. When children are told not to tell anyone, the offenders are teaching children to lie. Many survivors are compulsive liars, the abuse being the biggest of them all.

19. Religion. Safety can be found attaching one's self to a belief system that has clear boundaries and rules. Traditional religion can provide an anchor. The lure of divine forgiveness can be a powerful pull for the survivor who still feels the abuse was his/her fault. Unfortunately, destructive cults can also be alluring to an adult survivor for some of the same reasons.

20. Avoiding Intimacy. Seeming open and friendly on the surface but hiding real feelings inside. "Avoiding intimacy keeps one safe - and sometimes leads to positive traits such as independence and autonomy-- it also means missing out on the rewards healthy relationships can bring." (E. Bass & L. Davis, 1988).

21. Manipulation. Adult survivors, who are diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality often are told they are being manipulative. Once they are able to identify, process and express feelings attached to manipulative behavior and taught other ways of getting needs met, the manipulation will usually cease.

---

References:

• Bass, Ellen & Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.
• Chutis, Laurieann. Flashbacks. Chicago, IL. Ravenswood Hospital & Medical Center, Dept. of Consultation and Education.
• Davis, Laura. Allies In Healing: When The Person Your Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child. New York: Harper, 1991.
• Gil, Eliana. Outgrowing the Pain: A Book For And about Adults Abused As Children. New York: Dell Publishing, 1983.
• Ideran, Mary. Adult Survivors Signs & Symptoms Checklist The Changing Women in Calumet City.
• Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest & Other Sexual Child Abuse. New York: Harper Collins, 1990.
• Napier, Nancy J. Getting Through The Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children. New York: W.W. Norton, 1993.

Glossary of Initials and Other Professional Degrees, Organiazations & Other Jargon

(© 1994, Rev. 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2002, 2003) By Vicki Polin ,MA, ATR, LCPC

A.A.T.A	American Art Therapy Association
A.B.A.	American Bar Association
A.B.E.C.S.W.	American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work.
A.C.E.P.	Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology
A.C.S.W.	Academy of Certified Social Worker
ADTA	American Dance Therapy Association
A.D.T.R.	Academy of Dance Therapist Registered
A.M.A.	American Medical Association
A.M.H.C.A.	American Mental Health Counselors Associaton
A.P.A.	American Psychological Association
A.P.A.	American Psychiatric Association
A.S.A.	Assistant States Attorney (can be in either Juvenile and/or Criminal Court)
A.T.R.	Art Therapist Registered
A.T.R.-B.C.	Art Therapist Registered - Board Certified.
AYA	American Yoga Association
B.A.	Bachelor of Arts Degree
B.C.D.	Board Certified Diplomat (given by ABECSW to social workers)
B.S.	Bachelor of Science
B.S.N.	Bachelor of Science in Nursing
B.S.W.	Bachelors Degree in Social Work
C.A.C.	Certified Addictions Counselor
C.A.D.C.	Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor
CCGC	Certified Compulsive Gambling Counselor
C.E.T.	Certified Expressive Therapist
C.R.C.	Certified Rehabilitation Counselor
C.E.U.	Continuing Education Units
C.M.T.	Certified Massage Therapist.
DASA	Department of Alcohol and Substance Abused (Illinois)
D.C.	Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine
D.C.F.S.	Dept. of Children and Family Services (Illinois)
D.C.P.	Department of Child Protection
D.C.S.W.	Diplomate in Clinical Social Work. (Given to Social Workers by the NASW..)
D.D. Dually	DSMIV Diagnosis and/or Developmentally Delayed and/or Chemically Dependent
D. Ed.	Doctorate in Education
Det.	Detective
Dipl. Ac.	Diplomat of Acupuncture
Dipl. Hom.	Diplomat of Homeopathic Medicine
D.N.	Doctor of Napraprathy  or Doctor of Naturopathy
D.O.	Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine
D.P.M.	Doctor of Podiatric Medicine
Dr.	Doctor (can refer to an DSW, M.D., PhD, PsyD . . . ).
D.S.M.–IV	Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
D.S.W.	Doctorate in Social Work
DTR	Dance Therapist Registered
Dx	Diagnosis
FICPP	Fellow International College of Prescribing Psychologists
G.A.L.	Guardian Ad Litem. In Illinois, all children who are wards of the state are appointed a G.A.L. by Public Guardian's office. In some counties is the child's attorney in both juvenile and criminal court.
H.L.M.	Honorable Life Member (given to art therapist's by AATA).
Hx	History
IAAP	Illinois Association of Addiction Professionals
I.A.T.A.	Illinois Art Therapy Association.
IAODAPCA	Illinois Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Professional Certification Association
I.C.A.S.A.	Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault
I.C.A.D.V.	Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
ISSD	The International Society for the Study of Dissociative Disorders
I.T.P.	Individual Treatment Plan
JCASA	Jewish Coalition Against Childhood Sexual Abuse
J.D	Juris Doctor (degree given to an Attorney).
L.A.N. Local Area Network	(Community Mental Health Centers boundaries for funding).
L.C.P.C.	Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W.	Licensed Clinical Social Worker. (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W	Licensed Certified Social Worker (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W-C	Licensed Certified Social Worker - Clinical (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.D.	Licensed Dietitian.
L.L.M.	License of Law (requies a Masters Degree in Law).
L.M.H.C.	Licensed Mental Health Counselor (Requires Masters Degreed)
L.M.F.T.	Licensed Marriage, Family & Child Counselor.
L.P.C.	Licensed Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Bachelor Degree Provider).
L.P.N.	Licensed Practical Nurse
L.P.H.A.	Licensed Practitioner of the Healing Arts
L.S.W.	Licensed Social Worker
M.A.	Masters of Arts (can be in any field)
M.A.A.T	Masters of Arts in Art Therapy (From some programs).
M.C.A.S.A.	Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault
M.Ed	Masters of Education.
M.F.C.C.	Marriage, Family and Child Counselor.
M.D.	Medical Doctor
MDiv.	Masters of Divinity.
MHC	Mental Health Center
MI	Mental Illness/Mentally Ill.
MISA	Mentally Ill/Substance Abuse.
MPH	Masters of Public Health.
MS	Masters of Science (can be in any field).
MSN	Masters of Science in Nursing.
MSW	Masters degree in Social Work.
M.S.S.W.	Master's of Science in Social Work.
NAADAC	National Association of Addiction Professionals
NADT	National Association For Drama Therapy
N.A.S.W	National Association of Social Workers.
NBCC	National Board of Certified Counselors
OTR	Occupational Therapist Registered.
PA	Public Aid.
PAS	Pre-Admission Screening for nursing home and/or residential treatment. Needed for individuals on Medicaid (State of Illinois)
PD	Police Department.
PDR	Physicians' Desk Reference (book describing medication).
PhD	Doctor of Philosophy (can be in any field, i.e. psychology, social work, chemistry...)
PsyD	Doctorate of Psychology.
RA	Ritual Abuse
RD	Registered Dietitian
R.D.T.	Registered Drama Therapist (by the National Association For Drama Therapy).
RN	Registered Nurse.
Rx	Prescription/Prescribed
QMHP	Qualified Mental Health Professional (Master Degreed Level Professional).
QMRP	Qualified Mental Retardation Professional (Master Degreed Professional).
SASS	Screening, Assessment & Support Services. (Needed for individuals on Medicaid in the state of Illinois prior to being admitted to a psychiatric unit or facility.
SSA	Social Security Administration
SSDI	Social Security Disability Income
SSI	Social Security Income
Tx	Treatment Prescribed Treatment

Questions to ask yourself before disclosing, confronting or going public

© (1992, Revised 2006) By Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC, NCC

WARNING!

Survivors of various forms of sexual violence (childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, clergy abuse, professional sexual misconduct and sexual harassment) often want to disclose their experiences, confront their perpetrators, and/or speak-out about their victimization. This is done in an attempt to try to help educate the public. Often the urge to share personal information about one self occurs during various stages of healing. 

If you are considering speaking out PLEASE review the many questions listed in this pamphlet. You may also want to refer to "The Courage to Heal" (by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass) and "The Courage to Heal Workbook" (by Laura Davis). It is also highly suggested that you consult with your family, friends and or therapist prior to speaking engagements.

Unfortunately, the reality is that our society has NOT been very accepting and/or understanding to the various issues faced by many adult survivors of sexual violence. The majority of the survivors who have confronted individuals, and/or have gone public -- shared that they had negative experiences after sharing their abuse histories with others. These survivors have all been met with disbelief -- been considered to be crazy, hysterical and/or delusional. Too often survivors state that after the disclosures, they felt that they have lost a level of credibility. 

We, as survivors can not be responsible for the reactions of others. What we can do is take control of our actions and be prepared for the outcome if we decide to share our histories with others. It is vital for each individual decide for him/her self, and be sure that they are not being pressured to going public. This is a reminder that once you share information about yourself -- you can NOT take it back! 

If you thinking about going public, it is important to consider how you are going to do it.

• Are you going to use your real name or a pseudonym?
• Will you wear a disguise of some sort?
• Will you be paid? How much?
• If you are going on television will the producer of the show agree in writing to use a computer and distort both your voice and face (this is strongly suggested for the beginner)?
• Will you have to sign a contract or an agreement? What will it say? It is strongly suggested you read the agreement BEFORE the day you are supposed to speak-out (and if possible have an attorney review it too)!
• Will your attempt to educate the public cause harm to your credibility? Are you allowing yourself to be exploited?
• Will it hurt you in your present or future career, social life, family life (including your spouse and children)?

The Following are some questions you can ask yourself to help you make up your mind if disclosing, confronting and/or going public is right for you.

Directions: Answer the following questions on a separate piece of paper. Think about the following questions and your answers. Share your responses with at least one trusted support person. Ask for Feedback! BEFORE you disclose and/or confront someone.

1. Whom do I want to tell? Why?
2. Is someone or something internally/externally pressuring me to disclose my abuse history or confront my perpetrator(s)? Who and/or What is pressuring me?
3. If my plans includes going public, what are my motives? (It's suggested you consider all of the following questions before speaking in any public forum).
4. What do I hope to gain from this disclosure and/or confrontation? What could I loose by this disclosure and/or confrontation? Are my expectations realistic?
5. Have I thought about safety issues? What are they for me?
6. What are my motives for confronting my perpetrators? Do I have to be concerned about my safety?
7. Am I confronting my perpetrator(s) to gain information? Can anyone else supply me with the information I desire?
8. Would I be risking something I still want from my family (i.e. financial and/or emotional support, inheritance, employment in family business, other)?
9. Could I live with the possibility of being excluded from family gatherings (i.e. Holidays, Weddings, Deaths in my family. . .)? What would that mean to me? How would I deal with the loss?
10. Am I willing to take the risk of losing contact with other family members with whom I want to stay connected? What would that mean? Would I deal with the loss?
11.  Am I grounded and stable enough to risk being called crazy?
12. Could I maintain my own reality in the face of denial?
13. Can I withstand the anger that I am likely to face from others?
14. Could I handle my own anger and/or other feelings? How would I do that?
15. Could I handle no reaction at all?
16. Do I have a solid enough support system to back me up before, during and after the confrontation?
17. Which support people agreed to be available before, during, and after?
18. Can I realistically imagine both the worst and best outcomes that might result? Could I live with either one?
19. How have I prepared myself for the Confrontation and/or disclosure?
20. Other issues I've considered regarding confronting or disclosing my abuse to others. 

Remember: It is important that you focus on yourself and your own personal needs before deciding to go disclose, confront and/or go public. This is also true before, during and after any confrontation. Try to remember what you want or need to say (for your own personal needs and not anyone else's), how you want to handle the situation, rather than on any response you may hope to get. Plan to process the confrontation and/or disclosure with your therapist and/or trusted support person(s). Remember, this can be an ongoing task (and that's ok).