I Don't Believe You!

© (2003) By Vicki Polin
Examiner - May 14, 2011
(Originally published by The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter in 2003)

Denial is not a river in Egypt!

"I don't believe you" are words that can destroy a soul.

What would it be like for someone who survived the terrorist attacks on September 11th to disclose their experience to a trusted friend, and then be told: "No, we don't believe you, this couldn't have happened, you must be making this up."

We all know that words can hurt, but we don't truly understand why telling someone who was victimized that their story is unbelievable can be incredibly damaging.

Over the years I've received numerous letters and phone calls from members of the clergy along with other community leaders, stating that various individuals from their community had come up to them and disclosed childhood secrets. These community leaders would discuss in their letters that they felt that they had good relationships with these survivors up until the point of disclosure, but now feel things have changed. Why? You may wonder. What happened? The rabbis' response to the individuals who came to see them was that they didn't believe they were indeed abused, and that the problems they had in their lives must have been caused by some other problems. What happened was that these people reached out to their rabbis with a gesture of trust, only to have their painful, personal disclosure dismissed and or discounted.

Such a disheartening exchange holds every potential for changing the relationships between a rabbi and members of his community. Not only is the survivor placed in a position to not trust the rabbi to be there for him/her in time of need; the rabbi himself might from then on view this person as unreliable and unstable, maybe even as potentially disruptive as a potential source of "Lashon Hara" (derogatory speech, that is true). Disclosures of abuse are extremely uncomfortable to listen to. They change our perception of people we thought highly of and believed to be wholesome, to incomprehensible perpetrators. They threaten our vision of the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities. However, as tempting as automatic denial of the authenticity of abuse disclosures might be, applying it without due cause short-changes everyone in the end. By categorically denying stories of abuse rabbis do not only unintentionally deny survivors the help they need in order to heal, they may also deny the perpetrators the help they need to stop abusing. Statistics show that sexual offenders often commit an average of seventy offenses by the time they are caught.

Unless an individual has had specialized training in the area of childhood molestation-and even then only under very specific circumstances, saying "I don't believe you" to someone who shares their trauma with you can be and often is perceived as another form of abuse. As it is, it's extremely hard for a survivor to disclose his/her stories. Experiences of sexual victimization are deeply private matters that often carry a significant amount of confusion and shame. And what does a survivor have to gain from such disclosure? More times than not, there is a lot more to lose than gain. In fact, often times people disclose IN SPITE of knowing that their disclosure may stigmatize them, but do so anyway in order to help save others from going through similar ordeals. When asked, most survivors of childhood abuse state that they would rather not expose themselves that way, would rather have the whole thing go away, would rather not remember that it even happened. Yes, they often yearn for understanding and validation, and it is sometimes why people share their stories, but sadly and all too often, their fears that the people they disclosed to would not look at them in the same light ever again, manifest. All too often people who disclose stories of childhood sexual abuse end up being seen as mentally ill and manipulative, rather than as dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

True, there is often little or no proof that what people claim happened to them, actually did. At the same time, there is often little or no proof that it did not. True, it is far more comfortable to believe that things didn't happen, to hold on to the conviction that no one in your community is so corrupted that they would hurt a child this way. However, what if the stories you hear are true? How does one prove a memory when the only other witness to the event was the offender, who clearly has a vested interest in denying that it ever happened? What are you to do? How are you to decide what to believe?

It is important to remember that it is not your job to prove or disprove what you are hearing-this is what law enforcement and the judicial systems are for. When someone trusts you enough to disclose a deep dark secret, an experience as painful and devastating as childhood sexual abuse, all you are called to do is to listen, then help the survivor/s live the most productive, happy life possible. When you are chosen to bear witness to their stories, you are summoned to help them heal their "Neshema"-their spirit, their soul. You are given an opportunity to help reverse some of the damage that comes with sexual crimes, and to help the survivor see that he/she are good people, worthwhile individuals. That their experiences did not alter their birthright as a part of "Bnei-Israel." That you-the person they look up to-are there for them. That not all is lost.

There are laws in each state regarding mandated reporting to authorities when one becomes aware of possible abuse ("possible" being the operative word-all you need is the suspicion, it is up to the authorities to look into whether it is true). If you aren't already familiar with the laws in your state, call child protection services and find out what they are and if you are a mandated reporter. By listening to a disclosure, even by reporting suspected abuse, you are not proving that what the survivor told you is true or not true. Rather what you are saying to him/her is: "I respect you and your feelings enough to not dismiss you or shame you by letting my discomfort and my hope that it isn't true to come in the way of what you need, the protection that you, too, deserve."

Child abuse is a devastating reality, but it does not need to be a part of our communities' future. By listening to the people in your community and allowing those who were hurt to speak up and be heard, you can help the Jewish community as a whole take a big step toward healing. Take people's disclosure to you as a proof of their trust in you as a competent, compassionate, knowledgeable person, and suspend your personal judgment regarding the factual truth in their stories. According to both the Jewish and Secular law, "one is innocent until proven guilty"-this should include the survivor who discloses a story of abuse. Until there is clear proof that what they claim is not true (which due to the nature of the offense and the time-lag of disclosure, may not be available), saying to them "I don't believe you," deprives survivors of the same leeway that we rush to give the accused.

Many sexually abused children are told by their perpetrators, "Don't tell, because no one would believe you, because I'll say you are lying and they'll believe me, not you." Let's not make these words come true.

Incest, Pregnancy, Abortion and Halacha (Jewish Law)

© (2003) By Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon, and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally published by The Awareness Center

It is always difficult to talk about abortion, and even more so when religion is part of the conversation. Aside from the religious/Halachic questions, much of the debate becomes highly political. Nevertheless, it is imperative to address the extremely delicate issue of abortion, particularly when it comes to incest, sexual abuse, and sexual assault.

There is no doubt that life according to Jewish teaching is sacred. Pregnancy and procreation are encouraged as one of the most important "mitzvahs" (good deeds) for both Jewish men and women. Every person born, every "nefesh" (soul), is "as if a whole world is created" (Maimonides). That said, according to the Jewish view, we don't just make human beings: we are obligated to make humane human beings. As Jews, we are encouraged to follow a life of "Tzaddik", a word that not only refers to justice, but to proactive use of good, such as mercy to the poor and needy. Justice, "Tzaddik", is a prime Jewish virtue and needs to be applied to those already living, to our children, to their mothers, to our communities. Pregnancy is imperative to the survival of the Jewish nation. However, the life of those already living comes before the life of those yet to be born. A fetus, though precious, is not seen as having equal standing as a born person. Rashi, in his commenting on Sanhedrin 72b, says that a fetus is not deemed "nefesh"—a person—until the head emerges in the birthing process. Indeed, as a rule, the Halacha (Jewish Law) rules that a mother's health comes first. The Talmud says: "If a woman suffers hard labor and travail...her life takes precedence over it's (the fetus) life" (Mishne 6).
This precedence isn't limited to life and death situations. Take the case of a pregnant woman who had an ear infection. The doctors said that she could become deaf if she carried to term. The rabbinical response was that deafness "will ruin her life, make her miserable in all her days, make her undesirable in the eyes of her husband...therefore, she should be permitted to abort her fetus..." (Ben Zion Uziel, Mishpetei Uziel, Hoshen Mishpat, 3:46). Most religious authorities agree that not only physical health, but also the mental health of the mother is included. Under some conditions, such as to avoid disgrace in a case where a married woman got pregnant by another man, abortion is not only allowed, "it even may hold the reward of a mitzvah" (Jacob Emden, Responsa She'elat Ya'avetz, No. 34).

How can one possibly call abortion a "mitzvah"? Because sometimes the circumstances are that it is a meritorious action, a sacred choice. The right to choose an abortion has deep religious roots that are based in the "sanctity of life" and on the particular circumstances of each conception.

If a woman who strayed and got pregnant by another man might be allowed to abort the fetus—how much more so if the woman was raped? What if the fetus is the product of incest? What if the woman is still a child herself?

We believe it is up to each individual to decide for themselves the best way to handle their particular situation—and hopefully with the aid of compassionate and qualified help. Adults might have access to a support network of people to assist them. However, children often do not have such access, nor do they have the knowledge of how to handle the problem of pregnancy, or the burden of misplaced shame. For their sake, and the sake of adults without support, we find that it is of importance to suggest the following basic guidelines:

A. We strongly advocate that a minor, or an adult without a support network, find an adult with whom they can confide.

B. This person should be someone who is more than just trustworthy and someone the victim feels comfortable with, but someone who can give guidance and direction.

C. The supportive adult need not be the minor's parent (especially if the pregnancy is due to dysfunctional family patters and/or incest...): he or she could be a teacher, rabbi, neighbor, therapist, rape crisis counselor, medical doctor, or another trained professional.

D. Schools and communities need to provide sex-education programs that include information about rape-prevention, rape-crisis centers and hot-line numbers, so that minors in need know where to go.

E. Teachers and rabbis need to educate themselves about resources in their community, the legal and ethical issues of reporting child-abuse, and the Halachic ruling and/or resources in cases of pregnancies that are the product of rape and/or incest.

Perhaps it could be efficacious to further discuss these delicate situations anecdotally. Case histories of survivors who faced these dilemmas can help us gain critical insight for how to best address such troubling issues.

Diana was thirteen when she became pregnant by her father. She had no idea what was happening to her body. She'd gotten her period for the first time just the year before. When her period was late, she didn't feel like she could tell her mother—so she told one of her friends, Mandy, who had an older sister named Sarah. The three girls spent a lot of time talking and together they decided to call pregnancy hotlines to see what they suggested. What they learned was that if Diana said she was 15 or 16, she could have an abortion without telling her parents, but if she was younger she needed a parent's permission to abort. Diana would have to lie. The three girls made a plan: Mandy and Sarah would tell Diana's parents that Diana was coming to spend the weekend with them, and tell their parents that Diana's parents were going out of town and wanted Diana to stay with them. That Friday, the three girls cut school and went to the abortion clinic. When they were done they came home, and the sisters told their parents that Diana had the flu—an excuse for Diana to stay in bed for a few days to heal. If these girls had a trusted adult to approach, they would not have had to sneak around. Diana wouldn't have had to lie and possibly risk her life. The incest could have been stopped. Had their school provided a sex education program that included information on rape prevention and education, the girls would have known who to go to, Diana would have learned that there was help available to her. She would have known she was not to blame.

Esther was the typical teenager. Coming from a modest, religious home, she was an average student, very active in high school, and had many friends. However, she also had a secret. One she never shared. Esther was an incest survivor. Her father began molesting her at very early age, so much so that Esther couldn't remember her father not bedding with her. As she matured, Esther faced a dilemma—at sixteen, she had a boyfriend, Joel, and wanted to be sexually active with him. However, how could she sleep with Joel if she was also "sleeping" with her father? Having grown with incest as part of her life, and with secrecy, she couldn't see at the time how this conflict was intrinsically wrong! Esther decided that she would refuse her father, even though she knew such refusal would come at a price—refusing her father meant that he would become even more physically abusive to her than before. Esther knew the sacrifice she was making but wanted to be "true" to Joel.

Late every night her father would try to enter her bed, but Esther would tell him no. And every following day he'd find some reason to punish her, often to beat her. When her father's violence started getting to her, Esther remembered how her father would never sleep with her if she had her period. So every night before she went to bed, she would insert a tampon, and when her father came would tell him "not tonight daddy, I've got my period." At first he'd leave, and she was safe for another night, but after several weeks, when she told him once again that she had her period, her father erupted with rage, punched her, and pulled the tampon out, stating "I knew you were lying!" He then raped her.

Two weeks went by and Esther realized that she didn't get her period. As more days passed, she got very scared. She was never late before! Somewhere inside she knew she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. Also, was she pregnant by Joel, or was she pregnant by her father's sexual assault? Joel had no idea that Esther was an incest survivor. He knew of the physical violence, but didn't know what to do about it. Esther decided to tell Joel that she was pregnant by him, and the two of them decided that it would be best for her to get an abortion. Esther was relieved—her real fear was that the baby was really a result of the rape... She needed help, but she didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Imagine how horrible it must be to be sixteen and not sure if you are pregnant by your boyfriend or your father!

As extreme as Esther's case might seem there are all too many like her, and if not properly addressed the ramifications of these situations can last a lifetime. Esther knew that she could never go to her mother for advice—her mother was herself a battered woman and as it was Esther felt responsible for her mother being hurt, often putting herself between her mother and father so that she would get hurt instead of her mom. Esther ended up keeping a terrible secret and going through the abortion by herself.

Unaddressed trauma can often last a lifetime. From the time she was 11 until she was 17, Varda was repeatedly raped by her older brother. She, too, had an abortion when she was 15. She, too, had to go through it alone. Telling her parents that she was going to visit summer-camp friends for a long weekend, Varda took a train out of state and paid for an abortion and a three-day stay at a motel with the money she earned baby-sitting. She had no one to ask for references about the abortion clinic she found in the yellow-pages, no one to help her when her fever shot up and she bled heavily and could barely keep down food or drink. Her parents never asked any questions. Twelve years later, at the age of 27, Varda is single. She makes excuses when she is offered dates and fears getting close to anyone—she is too scarred inside to have children. She is too ashamed to say why. Varda now lives alone and gets panic attacks whenever she goes to visit her family and sees her nephew play with her nieces or whenever she has to sit to the same table as her brother. She has difficulty sleeping and tends to withdraw from social activities. She suffers from severe clinical depression. Though there's no guarantee that early emotional support and clinical intervention could have prevented Varda's long-term consequences of trauma, maybe if she had someone to talk to, she wouldn't have ended up in a shady clinic, would be able to deal with the incest and raise a family of her own. She'd be spared the pain she is still going through now.

Jewish law teaches us that life is sacred, and that we are to cherish the living over the unborn. All the more so when the unborn was conceived through inconceivable acts. Following the teachings of " ", we are called to provide the needy and destitute with compassion and real-life help. Incest and rape can and do result in pregnancies. While we work to end sexual assault in our communities, we need to open our hearts and minds to support the victims of such crimes and to offer them information and help in their time of excruciating decisions. We need to let survivors of rape and incest see and feel that they hold no shame in our eyes—the shame is on those who hurt them. Let's educate our children so that they are no longer vulnerable, and educate ourselves so that we can help the ones who were taken advantage of. Abortion is never an easy thing to do, but in some cases it is not only allowed, it can even hold the reward of a Mitzvah!

Soul Searching: Sexual abuse, cults, and missionaries

© (2003 ) By Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
Originally publish by The Awareness Center

Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people; neither shalt thou stand idly by the blood of thy neighbor" (Leviticus 19:16).

Where is God? Is he/she really out there? If there really is a God why did he/she allow me to get hurt as a child? These are very common question amongst survivors of childhood sexual abuse. But why should we care? After all, Jews don't abuse their children! Or do they?

Unfortunately, in the past many Jewish survivors of sexual abuse have been met with denial, rationalizations, and blame from various "trusted officials" in the Jewish community when they'd reached out for help. It's still not uncommon for a survivor to go to various rabbinical authorities with their questions; and end up feeling rejected when they disclosed their abuse histories. Time after time adults who, as children, were subjected to sexual criminal activities, were told that the mere fact that they were disclosing their victimization was considered lashon hara ('derogatory speech, that is true'). Basically meaning the fact that they were speaking out, was wrong.

Did you ever stop and wonder "What happens to an individual who feels betrayed by their own community?" Some survivors may try to find another rabbi to talk to, but all too often doing so, seems like a futile task. After all, how many times does a person have to feel rejected? It is important to remember that survivors are not unlike ourselves--they are searching for answers. Jewish survivors of childhood abuse need to hear loud and clear that they were NOT and are NOT to blame; that God did not cause the abuse as some form of punishment. Survivors need to know that they are NOT innately "bad." However, when an individual is told that their disclosure in of itself is considered " lashon hara". . . what they hear is: "God hates me", "I must be the one who's bad." Keeping this in mind, where can a survivor of childhood sexual abuse go to for spiritual guidance? Especially when they already feel that they have been rejected by our rabbis and possibly the rest of our community. Many will continue on, searching for a spiritual identity. Sadly, all too often they fall prey to missionaries and cult leaders, or just drift into some form of eclectic spirituality.

Statistics in the United States depict that one out of every 3-5 women and one out of 5-7 men have been sexually abused by the time they reached their 18th birthday. General research about cult and cult-like groups indicate a high percentage of members who have been victims of childhood abuse. Unfortunately, at this time there is no data specifying the percentage of "Jewish cult victims" who have histories of childhood sexual abuse.

According to facts provided by Jews for Judaism, nearly 1.4 million of the approximately 5.5. million adults of Jewish parentage and/or upbringing in the United States, affiliate with or have converted to a religion other than Judaism. There are over 900 separate missionary groups targeting Jewish communities for conversion, with over $250 million spent annually.

The cult problem is so prevalent, that the chances of a family member joining a cult are greater than a family member catching chicken pox, four times greater than contracting AIDS, 90 times greater than contracting measles, and 45,000 times greater than contracting polio. (Dr. Paul Martin, director of Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center, Ohio). When we consider the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and joining cults in the general population, and in light on the above statistics, we need to face the very real possibility that there is a correlation between childhood sexual abuse and the numbers of Jews who leave Judaism. We desperately need to confront and address these problems.

Clearly, it is extremely difficult to even entertain the thought that Jews would abuse their own children, let alone that individuals who represent Jewish life and have a connection with Torah would. "How could they (e.g. Rabbis, teachers, youth leaders) do anything so terrible as commit sexual offenses against our children"? The problem is that when these issues are brought up, they are met with denial, dismissal, protection of the alleged offender(s), and various other forms of rationalizations.

All too often both professionals in the field and survivors will hear things such as: "Why bring the stuff up now?" "Why muddy up people's reputation, after all the good they've done for so many?" Once again, we need to be reminded that innocent children are getting hurt. When we deny someone who has been violated a voice, we face loosing them to other religions. When we turn a blind eye, we are saying that it is okay for our children to be the next ones hurt.

We are all aware today of what's happening in the Catholic Church. However, Jewish communities around the globe have been guilty of same or similar actions. As a community, we need to stop discounting survivors stories, rationalizing that they couldn't have happened, and/or covering up the truth. We need to stop blaming victims. It's time to break this cycle!

Nothing would make us happier than to be able to say that the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities, but sadly it is not. "Letting by gones be by gones" is hardly the way to start healing the deep wounds many in our community are suffering. We can no longer go along with saying "an event happened such a long time ago, why talk about it now, just get past it." Please note that for many victims of sexual abuse, time may past, but on an emotional level the abuse just happened. They develop something called: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

We need to let the victims/survivors of sexual crimes have a voice (the actions done to them were criminal offenses)--they need to be heard, and validated, not be re-victimized. It is important that we stop telling them to "hush up." Remember the statistics: one out of every 3-5 women, and one out of every 5 -7 men in our communities were most likely sexually victimized as children. If we want to keep them Jewish, it's time that we BELIEVE our children (and the adult survivors).

As a people, we need to do something NOW. We can't allow one more child to be hurt. If we do, we face the fact that another disillusioned Jew may fall prey to another missionary and/or cult.

Rabbis Of The World . . . Can You Hear Me Now?

Reprinted by Permission © (2003) By Kelly Greene

Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

Dear Rabbis of the World,

How can I get your attention? Will you stop what you are doing and take the time to learn about me and childhood sexual abuse?

I'm writing you this from my heart. I know that my words represents the thoughts and feelings of thousands of Jewish survivors of childhood sexual abuse when I say that we have been calling out to you for generations.

We have been begging you to help us. As a result, we have had doors slam in our faces, and have been excommunicated by our families, friends and our communities. We need this to stop. We want to work with you, and help you learn. We want to make the world a safe place for children. We want to make the Jewish community a safe place for adult survivors. We want to work towards the goal of all of us becoming one nation.

I know that over the years many survivors have been investigating why you don't know about us (or childhood sexual abuse). We don't blame you. But we need to make changes today, right this second.

We understand the majority of yeshiva's don't educate rabbis on abuse issues. We understand that most of you are afraid of the topic, and hence afraid of us. Our presence makes you feel uncomfortable. Our essences remind you of the evils that lurk in the world. But to end this evil, we need to work together as a team.

I know for myself that I know nothing about God. In the past I have seen God and any form of organized religion as evil. I still see God as an abusive force. I have difficulties wanting to have a Jewish identity. I will admit, I have been hurt by the Jewish community. I keep asking myself, why would I want to be a part of something that has hurt me?

I need you to help me see things differently. I need you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I need to hear you explain why I was abused. I need you to explain what purpose it all serves. I need you to communicate with me on a level that I can understand.

Over the years I've spoken to many abuse survivors, who have questions for you. All to often we feel that you turn away from us. In the past you have told us our disclosures were lashon hara. We ended up feeling that we were the cause of our own victimization. The truth of the matter is that ignorance is to blame. We need to terminate this ignorance. We need to have a dialog. Please answer the questions we have for you, help us understand. Please don't be afraid of us.

Can we start a dialog? Can I ask you questions about God, and will you ask me questions about victimization and surviving? Can we work together as a team? Can you teach me not to be afraid of you, and God? Can I teach you not to be afraid of me?

Schools Try To Prep For Sexual Abuse

by Deborah Walike Special to the Jewish Times

Baltimore Jewish Times - December 6, 2002

 

Victoria Polin says she wishes there was some kind of award she could bestow upon Beth Tfiloh Community School.

 

An alleged sexual predator was stopped Nov. 21 when the Jewish day school in Pikesville alerted authorities about Adam Theodore Rubin, a former teacher and coach who was arrested and charged with soliciting sex on the Internet from a 13-year-old female Beth Tfiloh student.

 

Ms. Polin says she wants local Jews to study and discuss the case over and over again.

 

"Right now, because Beth Tfiloh had an incident, it's an ideal time to get in," said Ms. Polin, who is developing an international Jewish organization to combat childhood sexual abuse and support survivors. "It is the time to teach kids about 'good touch, bad touch,' and we should honor those girls who came forward to tell the authorities. Now, what you should do is grow with it. It happened and the community should say, 'We won't let it happen ever again.'"

 

An Upper Park Heights resident, Ms. Polin has professional experiences with such cases as rape, incest, sexual abuse and domestic violence. Besides being an art therapist, she is a licensed clinical professional counselor recognized by the state of Illinois who is working on her Maryland licensure. Ms. Polin said that attention to reports of possible sexual improprieties is a rare occurrence. In the alleged sex abuse by Mr. Rubin, Ms. Polin said Beth Tfiloh's staff did all of the right things. They believed the child's story, listened to her parents and called the police.

 

But normally, Ms. Polin said, possible child sexual abuse goes unnoticed for a variety of reasons.

Schools, agencies and child care facilities are reluctant to report their suspicions because of liability in possibly falsely accusing an innocent individual. Many administrators, she said, are more concerned with the reputation of their facility and will "hush-up" a problem. Most importantly, Ms. Polin feels that almost all organizations suffer from a lack of basic education on the signs of sexual abuse and how to deal with it.

 

Since Ms. Polin has only been in Baltimore for a year, she said she does not know if any local Jewish facilities have training for recognizing, reporting and providing therapy for sexual abuse survivors. For this article, the Baltimore Jewish Times interviewed administrators from Beth Tfiloh Community School, the Jewish Community Center of Greater Baltimore, Hillel of Greater Baltimore, the Beth El Pauline Mash Early Childhood Education Center and Bais Yaakov School for Girls.

 

Among them, only Beth Tfiloh had a "crisis team" prepared in what Ms. Polin said is a very specialized sort of training for sexual abuse.

 

"[Child care providers, educators and facilitators] need ongoing training, and it has to be by someone with training in sexual abuse," said Ms. Polin. "It can't be just any therapist because most are not trained in this area and most, without knowing it, could put blame on the victim, the parent, or the teacher. Once [teachers] recognize all these symptoms, the school has to make a system for reporting to someone who is highly trained in sexual abuse, beyond the administration, who may want to keep it hush-hush for the school's reputation."

 

Zipora Schorr, director of education at Beth Tfiloh, said her school has "a network of support" and the crisis team, and they openly discuss and train staff in sexual abuse awareness.

 

"Five years ago, I would say there was a huge amount of denial," said Mrs. Schorr. "But with all we've learned and all that has happened in the Jewish and non-Jewish communities, we have a heightened degree of acceptance and awareness. These are the ills of society, and the Jewish community is not immune."

 

Buddy Sapolsky, executive director of the JCC of Greater Baltimore, said the center checks all references and conducts a criminal background check for every employee. He said the preschool and Camp Milldale work closely with Jewish Family Services' social workers, who train the staff to recognize physical and sexual abuse and are regular consultants.

 

"Our preschool staff talks to the kids about 'good touch, bad touch,' and the camp people talk to the kids," said Mr. Sapolsky. "But those discussions happen based on the relationship with the kids by the staff. They are not required, but they are encouraged."

 

But Ms. Polin warns that criminal background checks and references are also not enough. Although she admits there is no foolproof way to catch a potential sex abuser, Ms. Polin maintains that specific training and aggressive reference-checking practices — including utilizing the disclosure of information available since the recent passage of Megan's law opening up access to names and addresses of convicted sex offenders — could minimize the number of predators hired.

 

Psychological testing, she said, would probably not work since "sociopaths usually pass a lie detector test." And criminal background checks are not a tell-all, since Ms. Polin cites the statistic that pedophiles will act out an average of 118 times before ever being reported.

 

"Pedophiles often go into service — Girl Scout leaders, rabbis, teachers," said Ms. Polin. "So people who hire need to be trained. They have to listen to words that aren't being said when they're interviewing, and when they check references they have to push for the truth."

 

Rabbi Naftoli Hexter, middle school principal at Bais Yaakov School for Girls in Owings Mills, admitted that his school does "not often" conduct criminal background checks on staff members. In particular, he said that when a teacher comes from within the local Jewish community, he feels it is "not necessary."

 

Rabbi Hexter said every potential staff member goes through a series of interviews, and the candidate's references are checked.

 

"Nowadays, we have to listen because of this new phenomenon," he said. "We don't in any way teach 'good touch, bad touch,' but we constantly meet to discuss, 'Are we preparing the girls properly for whatever they need to be ready for?'"

 

While sexual abuse is widely unreported and ignored in the general society, Ms. Polin feels the Jewish community is especially inadequately prepared to handle the problem. She said the idea for her organization, the Awareness Center, stemmed from counseling survivors of sexual abuse and the realization that there were no Jewish outlets for victims.

 

Although there has been little research done within any Jewish community to determine how prevalent this issue is, Ms. Polin said that the number of e-mails she is receiving since opening her Jewish survivors of sexual abuse Web site makes her believe there is "a serious problem."

 

"[In previous counseling work] people called looking for a rabbi they could go to," said Ms. Polin. "When they called a rabbi, they were told their stories were loshon horah [gossip forbidden by Jewish law] and no one would believe them. They were angry. They were abused, and they were abused again trying to find help. One of the main things they want to know is where was God during this time, and they could only find some missionary who was loving and kind to them."

 

Even before last month's Beth Tfiloh case, Ellen Marks, director of both Beth El Pauline Mash Early Childhood Education Centers, said she felt that sexual abuse was not "indigenous to any one community." But Mr. Rubin's arrest, she said, still shocked her.

 

"It's just unconscionable that anybody could violate a child," Ms. Marks said. n

 

Deborah Walike is a former Baltimore Jewish Times staff writer who now lives in Cooperstown, N.Y.

Protecting Our Children

Child Sexual Abuse is a Global Problem

In Memory of Anne Marie and Erik Erikkson and the Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI)

Anne Marie and Erik Erikkson founded the very first organization addressing adult survivors of child sexual abuse back in 1983.

Anne Marie and Eric Erikkson

INCEST SURVIVORS RESOURCE NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
Friends Meeting House 15 Rutherford Place New York, New York
Mail Address: P.O. Box 7375, Las Cruces, NM 88006-7375
(505) 521-4260      Fax: (505) 521-3723
Web Site: http://www.zianet.com/ISRNI     E-mail: ISRNI@zianet.com

______________________________________________________________________

Anne Marie Erikkson

 March 30, 1932 - April 3, 1999

Erik A. Eriksson, Lt. Col., USAF (Ret)

December 28, 1920 - January 28, 1999

History Lesson in advocating for the rights of adult survivors of child sexual abuse:

Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI), founded in 1983 at the New York City Friends Meeting House, is a survivor-run international network and EDUCATIONAL RESOURCE dedicated to prevention. Since 1983 it has operated the first national and international helpline for incest survivors and professionals answered in person by incest-survivors-only (hours now reduced from 24-hr to 2-4pm ET and llpm-Midnight ET Mon-Sat). It continues to encourage inquiries from adult survivors of mother-son incest and also continues to include information on forming self-help groups. ISRNI has been a co-sponsor of numerous conferences held by national and international community and professional organizations and the National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA) annual National Forum on Victim Rights. ISRNI also provided the resource list that accompanied the Eleventh Commandment Foundations's panel on child sexual abuse held in the People's Republic of China at the 1995 UN NGO Forum on Women.

ISRNI was founded and is operated as a religious peace witness by incest survivors concerned with the relationship of unresolved traumatic stress to strife and violence in the world. An independent non-profit organization that accepts no outside funding, ISRNI provides its resources to the public by being an adjunct to the Task Group on Family Trauma of New York Yearly Meeting, and to the Las Cruces Monthly Meeting, both of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). Anne-Marie Eriksson, a retired probation officer, is president. Vice-president Barbara Santee, PhD (medical sociology), works in women's health issues. Secretary-treasurer, Erik A. Eriksson, Lt. Col., USAF(Ret), was formerly secretary-treasurer of the Region IX Tri-Service Military Family Advocacy Subcommittee.

ISRNI is concerned with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder as a component of inter-generational transmission of verbal and physical violence; especially regarding overt, covert and emotional incest. The experience of ISRNI has been that resolution of trauma involves spiritual recovery intertwined with three integral camponents: Education, professional therapeutic intervention and self-help.

Sought as a resource by many, including the media, ISRNI has been a catalyst in numerous areas. Since its inception, it has fostered the building of bridges between professionals and self-help groups. ISRNI president, Anne-Marie Eriksson, was co-founder and co-chair of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies "Interest Area on Building Bridges Between Professionals and Self-help Groups". From 2/83 through ll/87 ISRNI facilitated an early, unique incest-survivor-only mixed gender group. ISRNI was a pioneer in discussing: the aftereffects of incest; female offenders; the vital need for effective treatment programs for juvenile offenders; the role of the mother in father-daughter incest; the concept of emotional incest.

ISRNI is a member of: Friends Association for Higher Education; International Peace Research Association; National Adolescent Perpetrator Network; National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse;  National Organization for Victim Assistance; National Victim Center;  and World Federation for Mental Health,  among others. It is a co-convenor of the Ouaker Sexual Child Abuse Prevention Network (Ouaker SCAPnet). On behalf of ISRNI, board members and officers are members of: American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children;  International Society for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect;  International Society for the Study of Dissociation;  International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies;  National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges; as well as a number of survivor-run organizations such as M.A.L.E;  National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization;  and VOICES in Action, Inc.

ISRNI presented at the Fifth International Congress on Child Abuse and Neglect; the Eighth Conference of Parents United International; the Second and Fourth Annual Meetings of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies; the First and Third International Conferences on Incest and Related Problems and was among the expert consultants at the World Federation for Mental Health's 1987 Consultation on Meeting the Mental Health Needs of Victims at the United Nations Headquarters in New York City.

A Quaker witness EDUCATIONAL RESOURCE

______________________________________________________________________

Anne Marie Eriksson's Resume - June 15, 1997

Scope and content
This collection contains documents and materials concerning the Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI) compiled by Anne Marie Eriksson, former president and board member. While most of the materials come from or relate to ISRNI, the collection includes documents pertaining to other related organizations that Eriksson was involved with. Personal files for Erik and Anne Marie Eriksson are included.

The bulk of the collection encompasses the organization's inception (1983) through its dissolution (1998). However, the file also contains documents preceding ISRNI's incorporation.

EMPLOYMENT: (Please note: Full-time service to ISRNI has always been without salary or other compensation; The other positions were salaried)

1983 - Founding President, Incest Survivors Resource Network International (ISRNI), an educational resource adjunct to the Task Group on Family Trauma, New York Yearly Meeing of the Religious Socity of Friends. Organized and still operate the ISRNI helpline, the first national and international helpline for survivors and professionals answered in person by incest-survivors-only. Co-facilitated mixed gender peer group, 1983-87.

1972-84 - Probation Officer assigned to New York State Courts in Kings, New York and Queens Counties. In addition to regular duties was also the agency representative on the New York City Advisory Task Force on Sexual Assault.

1971-72 - Family Worker. Childrens Aid Society Head Start, New York City.

1964-71 - Community volunteer while at home with three children. Volunteer service included serving on the Community Advisory Board of Beth Israel Medical Center, New York City, 1972-82.

1960-64 - Social Worker, NYS Department of Social Welfare, assigned to NYC Aftercare, NYS Training School for Girls.

1960-60 - Organizer and interim Supervisor, Children's Social Services, NY Association for the Blind (The Lighthouse)

1955-59 - Preschool Counselor, NY Association for the Blind (The Lighthouse), New York City 

EDUCATION:

1982 - Numerous courses and workshops on family violence and incest. Certificates in Incest and Rape Crisis Intervention from Adelphi University Resource Center for Crime Victim Advocates (1986) and from St. Vincent's Medical Center, NYC (1983).

1959-60 32 graduate credits from CUNY Hunter College School of Social Work (attended on a one year scholarship as a winner of national competition sponsored by New York State Department of Social Welfare).

1955 - B.S.in Early Childhood Education, SUNY, Fredonia.

PRESENTATIONS included: (physically unable to travel after 1990)

Aug 1989 - Third International Conference on Incest & Related Problems, London. Also received award.

Apr 1989 - Co-chair and presenter, Symposium on Incest, New York City

Oct 1988 - Fourth Annual Meeting, International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Dallas

Aug 1987 - Presentation for Family Court staff, Goteborg, Sweden

Aug 1987 - First International Conference on Incest & Related Problems, Zurich

Sep 1986 - Second Annual Meeting, International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Denver

Aug 1984 - Eighth Annual Parents United International Conference, Santa Clara, CA

Sep 1984 - Fifth International Child Abuse Congress, Montreal

Dec 1983  -  U..S. Attorney General's Task Force on Family Violence, New York City (also over one hundred presentations in USA and Europe for local organizations, universities and agencies)

MEMBERSHIPS include:

• American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (Membership Committee);

• International Peace Research Association: International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (was founding co-chair of the Interest Area on Building Bridges Between Professionals and Self-Help Groups); 

• International Society for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect; 

• National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (Membership Committee); 

• National Organization for Victim Assistance; Quaker SCAPnet (Coordinator); 

• VOICES in Action, Inc. (Board member, 1985).

HONORS include:
Expert Consultant at World Federation for Mental Health's 1987 Consultation on Meeting the Mental Health Needs of Victims, United Nations Headquarters, New York City
Listed in: Who's Who in America, 51th Edition (1996); Who's Who Among Human Among Human Service Professionals

Resources:
 An Inventory of the Incest Survivors Resource Network International Papers, 1983-1998

Don't call yourself a victim!

Lives are NOT ruined, yet may be altered.

How Do You Spell Relief?

How Do You Spell Relief?

© (1997) Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC 

Do you ever feel like you want to crawl out from your skin? Or that the walls are caving in on you? What can you do? Many people jog, work out at the gym, scream under railroad tracks (so no one can hear them), or even pound on pillows. But you can't always do those things when you are at work or out in public. Here are two alternatives, that you can do just about anywhere to help elevate stress from your life. 

One of the most important things is to breathe (inhale and exhale). Breathing is a natural way to reduce stress. When we breathe we allow oxygen to get to our brain. When you bring oxygen to your brain you can think more clearly. Another suggestion is to keep a bottle of bubbles in your purse or brief case. Instead of going outside and lighting up a cigarette, you can always blow bubbles. Not only are you helping yourself to inhale and exhale slowly (which will reduce your stress level), you are also helping the people around you to relax. Everyone enjoys watching bubbles float through the air. Ok, I'll admit it. . . if you are out in public people may start staring at you at first, but before you know it you'll have started a new trend. Just about everyone enjoys blowing bubbles. 

There's one more fantastic stress reducer. When was the last time you played with clay. Some times just squeezing the clay between your fingers can be soothing. Other times pounding it on a table will do the trick. You can even make your own and keep it with you at all times in ziplock bags. 

Below is a recipe for making Play Dough. You can make several different colors just by dividing up the dough and adding different color food colorings. The play dough will last for several weeks by keeping it in a zip lock bag. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Play Dough

4 cups White Flour
2 cups Salt
2 tablespoons Cream of Tartar 2 teaspoons Food Coloring
1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
3 Cups Water
1 Large Pot

Mix dry ingredients in large pot, then add food coloring, oil, and water. Mix well. Turn stove on high, mixing with a wood spoon. Once dough becomes thick remove from pot on a plate. Wait a minute before kneading with your hands. Store play dough in zip lock bags.

What You Can Do When Parents Mistreat Their Children in Public

Developed by Parents Anonymous, Chicago, IL

1. Sympathize with the parent. Say something like, "He/She seems to be trying your patience," or" My child used to get upset like that."

2. Divert the angry attention away from the child. Strike up a conversation with the adult, Ask a question or direction, anything to provide a distraction and the time for the parent's anger to subside.

3. Compliment or praise the parent or child. Say something positive. "What a big, strong boy you have! How old is he?" or It's a lot of work to shop with a toddler. You have my admiration for managing it!"

4. Offer sympathy and help. Sometimes a parent's anger is fueled by some embarrassment at the fuss the child is making. "Children sure can wear you out! Is there anything I can do to help?" "Taking kids out to eat is hard! I'm sure everyone here is remembering that and giving you credit for your patience."

5. Alert the store manager if you are concerned about the child's physical safety. Ask someone with authority over the parent to communicate that, "This is a safe place for children. We do not spank here."

6. Quietly stand guard if the child is being neglected and is in jeopardy. For example, a child left unattended in a grocery cart or a toddler on a street or at a parking lot curbside.

DO NOT give dirty looks or make snide remarks. Disapproval or anger will only increase the parent's anger and make matters worse. If someone else in a store or restaurant is clearly disapproving, step in and be an obvious ally to the parent by offering a kind remark or some help.

Comfort zone - Three alumni put mind, body and spirit in harmony at The Awakening Center

By Carla Beecher-Moehn
UIC Alumni Magazine - January/February 1997 (Volume 1, Issue 2)

Making people feel comfortable is the goal of therapists Amy Grabowski (left), Victoria Polin and Kate Fiello.

“More than anything, we want people to feel comfortable and safe here," said Amy Grabowski, M.A. ’86, the director and founder of the Awakening Center on North Lincoln Avenue just south of Belmont. So it’s no coincidence that visitors are greeted in the center’s small waiting room by classical music playing quietly, herbal teas sitting in a box waiting to be steeped and literature offering information on such topics as sexual abuse, eating disorders and surviving trauma.

As the literature suggests, the Awakening Center’s therapists counsel people for depression and anxiety and specialize in eating disorders and physical, mental and sexual abuse.

Of the four therapists who staff the center, three are UIC alumni. Grabowski earned a master’s in art therapy. Victoria Polin, M.A. ’91 received a master’s in art therapy, and Kate Fiello, M.S.W. ’89, a movement therapist, received a master’s in social work. The fourth associate, Marianne Evans-Ramsay, is a licensed and registered dietitian/nutritionist who specializes in disordered eating.

The four women not only share a home-like office space, complete with comfy couches and pictures on the walls, but also a similar philosophy about the need for the mind, body and spirit to work in harmony.

"Whether it’s with individuals or groups, each of us works toward helping clients establish a balance and harmony within themselves," said Grabowski. "We help them achieve a sense of calmness, compassion and inner strength within their core self."

"The result," she continued, "is a feeling of balance and the ability to love the person that they were meant to be."

Grabowski started the center two years ago after running a private practice for seven years. She wanted a place that would offer counseling, treatment and solace for those suffering from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. She also wanted to help couples and parents who needed help with communication and parenting skills. As a result, the center’s staff provides clients with a safe haven from their fears. Some clients also need to work out such traumatic experiences as incest, rape, physical and/or mental abuse, and even the anguish of political terrorism.

As a creative therapist and a licensed clinical professional counselor, Grabowski specializes in women’s issues, especially eating disorders, body image problems and anxiety. She uses art therapy and phototherapy to help her clients work through their problems.

"I focus on emotional attunement," she said, "and use a theory called Internal Family Systems Therapy whose goal is to create an inner peace and cooperation among the personality’s different parts."

The theory’s premise is that people have many facets of themselves — some are in harmony and some are polarized. The therapy tries to create a balance between them.

A basket on the coffee table in Grabowski’s office holds figures that clients use to help them understand themselves better: there are Barbie dolls, gargoyles, a potato person, an Oreo cookie figure, a witch, an angel and mythical figures.

"These figures represent different aspects of ourselves," she said while setting up several of the dolls. "We use them to symbolize the relationship between the parts. There are pairs of parts that are polarized in extreme roles — which is often where problems arise.

"As we try to get the two parts to become less extreme and more in balance, clients begin to see how one part of them may be very critical of the part of them that is fearful or playful.
"They set up a sort of diorama with these figures that helps them talk with each part of themselves individually, as opposed to having their many parts arguing in their head all the time."

Clients pick one figure to represent their core self. "I like to call that figure the conductor — it’s conducting the orchestra of our different selves. Many people don’t have a good feeling about who that part is. While we’re uncovering who that person is, the figure is always on the table so they can see what they’re working toward becoming."

When Grabowski uses phototherapy, clients bring in several photos of themselves at various young ages. If they were traumatized, a part of them is typically stuck at that age and may keep reliving the experience. Grabowski makes a photo copy of the picture which the client uses to draw on or cut out for use in a collage.

"People have strong feelings toward themselves at a certain age," she continued. "With the photos, they can see themselves and it often softens their feelings about who they were then. They become more compassionate toward that part of themselves. They think, ‘I was so young.’ There are many aspects of therapy that tap into those parts, unburdening them or letting go of something from the past."

Kate Fiello uses movement to help clients get back in touch with their bodies. Many of her clients have eating disorders like anorexia nervosa or may be overweight.

"Many of my clients are disconnected from their bodies — they may view them as a bad object and have difficulty relating to it," said Fiello from the large office that serves as a studio for the movement and art therapy sessions. The space is comfortable and warm.

Fiello’s clients have undergone some type of abuse or trauma that has caused them to separate their minds from their bodies. Fiello’s goal is to get them back in touch with their bodies through movement in hopes that the reconnection will free them from the fear of feeling their bodies.

"I start slowly, because at some level, my clients realize they need to be in their bodies to heal, but they’re terrified of their bodies because that’s where they were traumatized."

Fiello, who is a licensed clinical social worker, begins with breathing awareness — clients begin to notice the rhythm of their breath. What does it feel like? Where is it moving? Does their chest move, their stomach? Is there a part of the body that’s not letting the breath in? What might that tell them about how they’re feeling?

"For instance, when you’re scared, your breath shortens and your chest tightens up," Fiello said. "When you’re relaxed, the breath is more fluid. I want my clients to gently listen to their breath and then scan their body from head to toe to see how it’s feeling. Is their head light or heavy? It’s basic kinesthetic sensing and gets them to start being comfortable with their bodies."

Most of her clients are women who are stuck. They intellectually understand their eating disorders — they know all the dynamics of the disorder in their head, but they haven’t integrated it with their bodies. They’re emotionally repressed. The sensing exercise brings them closer to those feelings.

According to Fiello, many of these women fear that if they get in touch with their feelings, they’ll explode. They don’t have a sense of where their bodies begin and end.

"They think, ‘If my body feels numb now, how will I deal with all the emotions once I start feeling again.’ So I help them with their body boundaries and we try to modulate the degree of the feelings."

One woman in a session with Fiello got angry and had the urge to kick her feet, but was afraid that if she really let her feet feel her anger, she might kick apart the room. So Fiello regulated her kicking from one to 10. Once the woman reached the highest level and kicked the hardest at 10, Fiello helped her control it and bring it back down to one.

"It doesn’t have to be overwhelming," Fiello said. "They can learn to feel a little bit at a time."

A highly distorted body image is a hallmark of anorexia. It is hard to fathom how anorexics think they are fat when they are literally wasting away. To gauge how far off their image is of themselves, Fiello asks new patients to close their eyes and measure with their extended hands how wide they think their hips are. They then lower their arms and open their eyes to see how much wider they imagine themselves to be than they really are.

It’s also common for overeaters to imagine they are smaller than they truly are, added Fiello.

"Culturally, we are just not taught to be in tune with our bodies. We’re taught to intellectualize."

One reason trauma victims become anorexic, according to Fiello, is on an unconscious level, the smaller they become, the less they’ll be seen, and, therefore, won’t get hurt.

"Many times my clients don’t know how to say no or how to stand up for themselves," Fiello said. "To protect themselves, trauma survivors dissociated from their bodies when they were being abused — they just left their bodies and went away in their minds. So over time, when things get stressful, they have the same reaction, which leaves them powerless. I try to teach them to be present in their bodies and become aware of that pattern of dissociation. Then they can start taking care of themselves.

"By thinking of their body as a container, they can feel their boundaries and take control of their lives.

"I love seeing people come alive again, when they begin to embody themselves again. I get to witness the fullness of them. Their personalities become richer as they grow and evolve. It’s wonderful to help them find that."

Vicki Polin also loves seeing her clients grow and change.

"I like watching people fulfill their dreams and wishes and do the things I know they can do," she said.

Polin, who works with victims as young as age 4, directs the Trauma, Recovery and Empowerment Services at the center. Also a licensed clinical professional counselor and a registered art therapist, Polin uses an eclectic approach of both verbal and creative therapies.
"Because many of us get stuck in self-defeating and unfulfilling life patterns in an attempt to re-create our own personal universe, psychotherapy offers a way to rediscover our own potential and bring a balance of mind, body and spirit," Polin said.

Previously, Polin coordinated an international organization for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and has volunteered as a rape crisis advocate in hospitals.

"That job inspired me to get a master’s in art therapy from UIC in work that I thought was important," she said.

Last January, Polin started a free group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse at the Awakening Center. The group meets Saturday mornings at the center and represents people from all racial and economic backgrounds. When Polin found that men weren’t attending because of the stigma attached to being sexually abused as children, she changed the name of the program from survivors of sexual abuse to survivors of childhood trauma.

"All of the sudden, I started getting Holocaust survivors and victims of political terrorism. It was very interesting how things opened up."

But no matter what the abuse, the ramifications were the same: having low self-esteem, being unable to do things they wanted to do, and having flashbacks and nightmares — the same symptoms as post traumatic stress disorder.

Polin has noticed a new trend in clients: children of Flower Children.

"Lately I’ve seen several clients who grew up traveling across the country in a van with their parents where there was free sex, and drugs and alcohol abuse," noted Polin. "It’s a whole different kind of abuse that we haven’t paid attention to. These young adults, who are now in their 20s, had very little structure. Some of these people try to be free and wild, but they’ll have flashbacks of their parents having sex, which can be traumatizing to a 3- or 4-year-old child. These clients are trying to figure out if they were sexually abused or just very sexualized as children."

Polin has found art therapy especially useful when patients are trying to understand a trauma that happened when they were very young — before their language skills were fully developed.

"Non-verbal therapy, like art work, seems to help. They draw a picture of the feeling, whether it’s realistic or abstract, or they may do a collage. The pictures may seem cryptic at first, but over time, the pictures come together and clients seem to find some resolution."

Polin recalls Harriet Wadeson, UIC associate professor of art and design, saying, "Memorize every theory we give you while you’re in school and the day you graduate, forget it all and you’ll learn it all over again when you get out in the field."

"It’s true," Polin said. "Unless you’re out there working with people, you’re clueless. It was two years of hell, that program. But if you can make it through, you can make it through anything. It was really helpful."

UIC’s art therapy program teaches its students ways to recognize when a patient is on the mend. Polin knows when clients are getting ready to leave therapy when their lives start to change for the better.

"If they go back to school, or divorce an abusive husband, or maybe go after a new job they’ve been talking about — I know that something is happening there. If I think they’re ready, I’ll try to nudge them out. Sometimes it’s scary for them to leave because this is a safe place."

As clients work through their problems, they begin to realize they’re not to blame for what happened to them, and they learn to deal with their anger and rage. They begin to see they can live life on their own terms.

"I try to follow their lead, because most have let choice be taken away from them," she said. "I know many times clients want to think I will  tell them what to do to make their lives better, but the answers are really within them."

In summing up the philosophy of the center, Grabowski added, "Our name, the Awakening Center, means that we hope to awaken the balanced self inside us that is there, but dormant. As we become enlightened, we awaken ourselves to the core person
inside."

Victoria Polin recently compiled the "1997 Chicagoland Area Sexual Abuse Resource Guide for Care Providers and Consumers".

The 1997 Chicagoland Area Sexual Abuse Resource Guide for Care Providers and Survivors

By Vicki Polin
Conscious Choice - January/February 1997