(This
article was originally published by The Awareness Center on November 6,
2013, and republished by The Times of Israel on October 12, 2015)
Over the last fifteen years of my life I’ve been working within
various movements of Judaism, from the unaffiliated to the
ultra-orthodox. When I first got started I was unaware of the many
facets of orthodox Judaism. What I used to consider extremely observant, is
actually considered to be modern orthodox. As the years progressed I
started to understand the diverse populations within the Jewish orthodox
world. The vast majority of orthodox Jews do not fall into the
category of being considered cult like. Yet there are some small
splinter groups within the far-right movement of Judaism, which appear
to fall into this category.
While reading the following please be aware that I am NOT comparing “mainstream orthodox Judaism" to the "BITE Model", only the extremist groups within ultra-orthodox communities; such communities as those in which Jewish survivors of sex crimes in the past have shared that they were not allowed to make hot-line reports
when they suspect a child is being abused or neglected to the secular
authorities without the permission of their rabbis first. It is in
these types of communities, rabbis’ regulate just about everything that
goes on in their community members life.
1. Regulate individual’s physical reality: In
mainstream Judaism, a person who keeps kosher and shabbat (the Jewish
sabbath) is considered an Orthodox Jew. In the eyes of many of those
living within the eruv
of an ultra-orthodox, extremist group, an individual is not even
considered Jewish, let alone a Torah observant Jew –– unless the
individual does exactly what their particular rabbi says to do. In
these types of communities if one goes to a rabbi with a question and
does not like the answer, they are NOT allowed to go to another rabbi to
get another response. To do so is consider heresy.
2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates. In
some of the extremist groups, and depending on how insulated the
community is, the rabbi will dictate where, how, and with whom the
member lives and associates or isolates with.
The whole concept of the shadchan (matchmaker)
is an example of this. One can not just find a mate and get married,
there is a process to getting married. In many of these communities
parents will hire a shadchun who will present possible suitors for a
potential bride. If the woman is from the right kind of family then the
possible mate may be a rabbi or from a prominent family. It’s sort of
like what happens when trying to marry off someone from a royal family
or like the concept of using a dowry.
If the child is not from ‘the right kind of family’ they may not be
introduced to someone who has any standing within the community.
Instead they most likely would be told by the shadchan they need to
settle for someone who they do not feel comfortable with. If the
individual looking for a mate is a troublemaker (doesn’t keep to the
rules of the community or questions authority), they will not be able to
find a good marriage partner. If the individual is male, they also may
not be able to get into a good yeshiva (Jewish day school, high school
or seminary). In these type of extremist communities, this almost like
getting a death sentence. Without being able to study Torah under the
right rabbi, could basically influence the standing within the community
the rest of his life.
3. When, how and with whom the member has sex. In
the more extremist orthodox communities, the issue of modesty runs
rampant to the degree that no male over the age of 13 is allowed to
touch a woman, except for a woman after he is married. In a more
liberal chassidic or yeshivish community a woman is allowed to be hugged
by her father and male siblings, even after she reaches the age of 13.
In the more main stream orthodox community this is a non-issue.
When a woman gets married and starts her monthly menstrual cycle ––
up until the time her rabbi says she is allowed to go to the Mikvah
her, husband is not allowed to touch her. This includes shaking hands
or any other type of physical contact. In the more extreme orthodox
communities, once a woman’s period is over she must wait 7 days before
her husband will bring a pair of her panties to the rav or rebbe of the
community, who will look at the underwear to determine if she’s “clean”.
Meaning there’s no stains. In these more extreme orthodox
communities, a trained rabbi will also be able to tell from the
underwear (or a cloth used to wipe themselves to bring to their rabbi)
if the woman needs to seek medical attention from an OB/GYNE for
gynecological care. A woman can go at any time to see a doctor, as long
as it’s a doctor recommended by the rav or rebbe. In a few of these
communities there is NO such thing as confidentiality or doctors following HIPPA
. Many Jewish survivors, who came from these more insulated
communities described that they learned that it was vitally important
for all doctors and mental health professionals to report their findings
to their rav or rebbe, so the rav or rebbe can keep tabs on everyone.
Once a rav or rebbe (rabbi) clears a woman, she can go to the
mikvah. In some of the more extremist types of ultra-orthodox
communities, once a woman has gone to the mikvah, she must return
straight home and have sexual relations with her husband right away ––
because at that time she is considered clean and pure.
Again in some of the more extremist communities one of the beliefs
for having sexual relations, is for procreating; yet it is also
important to note that it is the man’s responsibility to please his
wife.
The belief in many orthodox communities is that while making love,
one must have only pure and holy thoughts. Afterwards both the husband
and the wife should thank Hashem for the possibility of life.
According to halacha (Jewish Law), it’s a sin for a man to have
sexual relations outside of the marriage. Yet it is a forgive able sin
as long as the act is with an unmarried woman or a non-Jew.
The only exception to this rule is if a man is a kohan, and the the
rules get changed up. A kohan can never have sexual relations with
anyone except the woman he is married to, or else he can loose his
status of a Kohan. If a male is sexually abused as a child, he then has
to ask G-d for forgiveness to maintain his status as a Kohan. A Kohan
is someone who is a descendant of Aaron.
According to halacha, adultery only occurs when both the man and the
woman are married to other people. This view is often taught in the
yeshivish and chasidic world. In the more modern orthodox world this
definition no longer is true, yet in the more extremist groups they
believe halacha is halacha (Jewish Law).
Getting back to the Mikvah. In a few of the more extremely insulated
charedi communities, after the rav or rebbe gives the husband
permission to have sexual relations with his wife, and sees the man the
next day, the custom is to go up to him and say “Mazel tov”. Because
having sexual relations is the potential of bringing a new life into the
world.
It’s important to note that the reason why a man does not have sexual
relations with his wife once she gets her period, is NOT because she’s
“unclean”. It has to do with the fact that the belief is that she and
her body is in a state of mourning -- for the potential life that never
became a reality.
4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles. The
local orthodox rabbi or Vaad (rabbinical counsel) will determine what
clothing and hair styles are appropriate for people to wear. A married
woman will never show her hair in public. It will be covered by a snood
or sheitle (wig). The only person who can see a married woman’s hair is
her husband or children. In some groups, boys can only see their
mother’s hair if the child is under the age of 13. Female children it
doesn’t matter.
A woman’s neck line should always be covered. No one but her husband
should ever see her collar bone, elbows or knees. In some insulated
communities, a woman always is wearing stockings so that her skin
doesn’t show on her legs, including her feet. You’ll find this in the
chassidic world and in some of the more yeshivish communities.
5. Regulate diet - food and drink, hunger and/or fasting. The
rules of kashrut changes from community to community. It all can get
extremely political. The idea of hechshers is relatively new. Prior to
WWII most people shechitaled (slaughtered) their own cows and chickens,
and knew how to clean food properly to insure there were no bugs or
other insects and also to be sure that what they were eating followed
halacha.
Today very few people kill their own animals or watch them being
slaughtered (except in the more ultra-orthodox chassidic world, where
people watch to make sure it’s being done correctly prior to buying
meat). Also many people will only buy frozen vegetables what have the
correct hechsher from the proper kashering group set by the standards of
the rabbi they follow. Also to ensure food is kosher, there needs to
be someone who is called the mashgiach (kosher supervisor) to supervise
food preparations to insure everything is done properly at various
gatherings and restaurants.
There are TWO major fast days in Judaism and 7 minor types of fast
days. How you do these are often regulated by rabboinm. If someone
can’t fast for a fast day, they must get clearance from the rav prior to
the fast day. Even if a doctor says it’s dangerous to fast the rav has
got to give you permission to eat, and often he will instruct you in
how to eat, i.e. small bits of food and small sips of water throughout
the day, etc.
6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep. I've
never heard of this happening in any Jewish groups, except on shavout,
when men stay up all night studying Torah, yet some men at one point do
go to sleep.
7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence. This
is a tricky one. Rabbis of communities may determine where you can
shop and the type of things you are allowed to buy. In a particular
type of Chabad community you are not allowed to buy your children
anything with animals on it, except if the animal is something you can
eat. The same goes for children’s books. Because food has to be kosher
and you may only be allowed to buy food at a particular store or with a
particular kashering label, it can cost you 3 to 4 times as much as no
kosher food.
You can also only send your children to the schools chosen by your
rabbi. These schools are extremely expensive. If you follow the rules
and regulations you might be able to get discounts, scholarships, etc
for your kids to attend school; along with several other types of perks
given to those who are under the thumb of the rebbe or rav.
8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time. A
rav or rebbe will determine what kinds of leisure activities are
kosher, along with things you do for entertainment and vacation time.
An example of this is during Halamod Pesach (the days in between the
holy days passover), a religious group will rent out Hershey Park and
make it kosher food available They make it into a huge party of sorts
and it is over taken by the mostly frum population, yet they do allow
anyone to come in.
When it comes to entertainment you are not allowed to have a
television in your home and computer use is regulated. You are NOT
allowed to go to movies, except at a shul or other Jewish establishment
and the the movies are chosen by the rav or rebbe. Music is also
censored. Your rabbi will determine what music is allowable and what is
not. This includes concerts. Women are allowed to hear both men and
women sing, but men are banned from hearing women sing, except if it’s
their wife in private and their own children as long as the female
children are under the age of 13. The issue is that a woman’s singing
voice can an arose a man, and it is the woman’s responsibility not to be
sexually arousing to men. According to the ultra-orthodox extremist
groups, men can not control their impulses. This is also why they
believe women get raped -- because it’s something the woman or female
child has done. The same thing goes for dancing. That is why at
weddings and other celebrations women are behind a mechitza (fence).
I’ve attended weddings where the women are seated in a totally different
room or even in an alternative building.
9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the internet. I
already spoke about the internet. Men are supposed to spend their days
studying torah or learning with the rebbe or rav. In some communities
this all they do throughout their lives and it’s the woman who not only
cares for the children and home, but also works outside the home.
10. Permission required for major decisions. This is required in almost all orthodox communities including in a few living in the more modern orthodox world.
11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors This
happens all the time, including in some modern orthodox communities.
They believe it’s one of those checks and balances to keep a community
cohesive.
12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative.
The answer to this in the ultra-orthodox extremist groups is ALWAYS.
As long as you do what you’re told it’s amazing how kind folks are to
you. You’d be amazed at the love blasting that goes on when someone
first enters the community in a BT (Baal Teshuva) community. In the
more chassidic world this is not necessarily true, because they don’t
trust outsiders. Yet, if you don’t do what the rabbi says, your home could be set on fire, you can loose your job, your kids kicked out of the yeshivas, and or you can’t get a good marriage partner.
13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think. In the more insular extremist groups, this is absolutely
true. Remember it’s unthinkable to question authority. If you think
for yourself you are considered either a troublemaker or mentally ill.
14. Impose rigid rules and regulations. In the
more extremist orthodox communities one must always follow the rules and
regulations set down by the local vaad (Jewish religious court), or by
the head rabbi of the community. In the more insulated communities,
every aspect of a persons life is regulated by their rabbi. In these
extremist, insulated communities if one does not follow the rules, their
children will no longer be allowed to attend the local day schools or
yeshivas, their children will not get good marriage partners which is an
essential part of the more charedi lifestyle, and also if they own a
business, community members will no longer be allowed to shop there.
15. Instill dependency and obedience. In the more
insulated, extremist types of orthodox communities this is absolutely.
Your rav or rebbe because G-d like. They be come your ultimate parent
(father). You are nothing without them. You need them to make every
decision there can be to make. If you disobey them, your life and that
of everyone you know and love can be ruined.
