The quasi-orthodox Jewish world compared to the BITE Model of Cult Mind Control

(This article was originally published by The Awareness Center on November 6, 2013, and republished by The Times of Israel on October 12, 2015)

Over the last fifteen years of my life I’ve been working within various movements of Judaism, from the unaffiliated to the ultra-orthodox. When I first got started I was unaware of the many facets of orthodox Judaism. What I used to consider extremely observant, is actually considered to be modern orthodox. As the years progressed I started to understand the diverse populations within the Jewish orthodox world. The vast majority of orthodox Jews do not fall into the category of being considered cult like. Yet there are some small splinter groups within the far-right movement of Judaism, which appear to fall into this category.

Recently I decided to go through Steve Hassan’s “BITE Model of Cult Mind Control” to compare these splinter groups of the Jewish orthodox world to see if they would fall within the BITE Model to verify if my hypothesis was correct. Below are some of my findings when answering the 15 questions under the Behavior category. 

While reading the following please be aware that I am NOT comparing “mainstream orthodox Judaism" to the "BITE Model", only the extremist groups within ultra-orthodox communities; such communities as those in which Jewish survivors of sex crimes in the past have shared that they were not allowed to make hot-line reports when they suspect a child is being abused or neglected to the secular authorities without the permission of their rabbis first. It is in these types of communities, rabbis’ regulate just about everything that goes on in their community members life.

1. Regulate individual’s physical reality: In mainstream Judaism, a person who keeps kosher and shabbat (the Jewish sabbath) is considered an Orthodox Jew. In the eyes of many of those living within the eruv of an ultra-orthodox, extremist group, an individual is not even considered Jewish, let alone a Torah observant Jew –– unless the individual does exactly what their particular rabbi says to do. In these types of communities if one goes to a rabbi with a question and does not like the answer, they are NOT allowed to go to another rabbi to get another response. To do so is consider heresy. 

2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates. In some of the extremist groups, and depending on how insulated the community is, the rabbi will dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates with. 

The whole concept of the shadchan (matchmaker) is an example of this. One can not just find a mate and get married, there is a process to getting married. In many of these communities parents will hire a shadchun who will present possible suitors for a potential bride. If the woman is from the right kind of family then the possible mate may be a rabbi or from a prominent family. It’s sort of like what happens when trying to marry off someone from a royal family or like the concept of using a dowry.

If the child is not from ‘the right kind of family’ they may not be introduced to someone who has any standing within the community. Instead they most likely would be told by the shadchan they need to settle for someone who they do not feel comfortable with. If the individual looking for a mate is a troublemaker (doesn’t keep to the rules of the community or questions authority), they will not be able to find a good marriage partner. If the individual is male, they also may not be able to get into a good yeshiva (Jewish day school, high school or seminary). In these type of extremist communities, this almost like getting a death sentence. Without being able to study Torah under the right rabbi, could basically influence the standing within the community the rest of his life.

3. When, how and with whom the member has sex. In the more extremist orthodox communities, the issue of modesty runs rampant to the degree that no male over the age of 13 is allowed to touch a woman, except for a woman after he is married. In a more liberal chassidic or yeshivish community a woman is allowed to be hugged by her father and male siblings, even after she reaches the age of 13. In the more main stream orthodox community this is a non-issue. 

When a woman gets married and starts her monthly menstrual cycle –– up until the time her rabbi says she is allowed to go to the Mikvah her, husband is not allowed to touch her. This includes shaking hands or any other type of physical contact. In the more extreme orthodox communities, once a woman’s period is over she must wait 7 days before her husband will bring a pair of her panties to the rav or rebbe of the community, who will look at the underwear to determine if she’s “clean”. Meaning there’s no stains. In these more extreme orthodox communities, a trained rabbi will also be able to tell from the underwear (or a cloth used to wipe themselves to bring to their rabbi) if the woman needs to seek medical attention from an OB/GYNE for gynecological care. A woman can go at any time to see a doctor, as long as it’s a doctor recommended by the rav or rebbe. In a few of these communities there is NO such thing as confidentiality or doctors following HIPPA . Many Jewish survivors, who came from these more insulated communities described that they learned that it was vitally important for all doctors and mental health professionals to report their findings to their rav or rebbe, so the rav or rebbe can keep tabs on everyone. 

Once a rav or rebbe (rabbi) clears a woman, she can go to the mikvah. In some of the more extremist types of ultra-orthodox communities, once a woman has gone to the mikvah, she must return straight home and have sexual relations with her husband right away –– because at that time she is considered clean and pure. 

Again in some of the more extremist communities one of the beliefs for having sexual relations, is for procreating; yet it is also important to note that it is the man’s responsibility to please his wife.

The belief in many orthodox communities is that while making love, one must have only pure and holy thoughts. Afterwards both the husband and the wife should thank Hashem for the possibility of life. 

According to halacha (Jewish Law), it’s a sin for a man to have sexual relations outside of the marriage. Yet it is a forgive able sin as long as the act is with an unmarried woman or a non-Jew. The only exception to this rule is if a man is a kohan, and the the rules get changed up. A kohan can never have sexual relations with anyone except the woman he is married to, or else he can loose his status of a Kohan. If a male is sexually abused as a child, he then has to ask G-d for forgiveness to maintain his status as a Kohan. A Kohan is someone who is a descendant of Aaron. 

According to halacha, adultery only occurs when both the man and the woman are married to other people. This view is often taught in the yeshivish and chasidic world. In the more modern orthodox world this definition no longer is true, yet in the more extremist groups they believe halacha is halacha (Jewish Law). 

Getting back to the Mikvah. In a few of the more extremely insulated charedi communities, after the rav or rebbe gives the husband permission to have sexual relations with his wife, and sees the man the next day, the custom is to go up to him and say “Mazel tov”. Because having sexual relations is the potential of bringing a new life into the world.

It’s important to note that the reason why a man does not have sexual relations with his wife once she gets her period, is NOT because she’s “unclean”. It has to do with the fact that the belief is that she and her body is in a state of mourning -- for the potential life that never became a reality. 

4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles. The local orthodox rabbi or Vaad (rabbinical counsel) will determine what clothing and hair styles are appropriate for people to wear. A married woman will never show her hair in public. It will be covered by a snood or sheitle (wig). The only person who can see a married woman’s hair is her husband or children. In some groups, boys can only see their mother’s hair if the child is under the age of 13. Female children it doesn’t matter. 

A woman’s neck line should always be covered. No one but her husband should ever see her collar bone, elbows or knees. In some insulated communities, a woman always is wearing stockings so that her skin doesn’t show on her legs, including her feet. You’ll find this in the chassidic world and in some of the more yeshivish communities.

5. Regulate diet - food and drink, hunger and/or fasting. The rules of kashrut changes from community to community. It all can get extremely political. The idea of hechshers is relatively new. Prior to WWII most people shechitaled (slaughtered) their own cows and chickens, and knew how to clean food properly to insure there were no bugs or other insects and also to be sure that what they were eating followed halacha. 

Today very few people kill their own animals or watch them being slaughtered (except in the more ultra-orthodox chassidic world, where people watch to make sure it’s being done correctly prior to buying meat). Also many people will only buy frozen vegetables what have the correct hechsher from the proper kashering group set by the standards of the rabbi they follow. Also to ensure food is kosher, there needs to be someone who is called the mashgiach (kosher supervisor) to supervise food preparations to insure everything is done properly at various gatherings and restaurants. 

There are TWO major fast days in Judaism and 7 minor types of fast days. How you do these are often regulated by rabboinm. If someone can’t fast for a fast day, they must get clearance from the rav prior to the fast day. Even if a doctor says it’s dangerous to fast the rav has got to give you permission to eat, and often he will instruct you in how to eat, i.e. small bits of food and small sips of water throughout the day, etc.

6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep. I've never heard of this happening in any Jewish groups, except on shavout, when men stay up all night studying Torah, yet some men at one point do go to sleep.

7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence. This is a tricky one. Rabbis of communities may determine where you can shop and the type of things you are allowed to buy. In a particular type of Chabad community you are not allowed to buy your children anything with animals on it, except if the animal is something you can eat. The same goes for children’s books. Because food has to be kosher and you may only be allowed to buy food at a particular store or with a particular kashering label, it can cost you 3 to 4 times as much as no kosher food. 

You can also only send your children to the schools chosen by your rabbi. These schools are extremely expensive. If you follow the rules and regulations you might be able to get discounts, scholarships, etc for your kids to attend school; along with several other types of perks given to those who are under the thumb of the rebbe or rav.

8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time. A rav or rebbe will determine what kinds of leisure activities are kosher, along with things you do for entertainment and vacation time. An example of this is during Halamod Pesach (the days in between the holy days passover), a religious group will rent out Hershey Park and make it kosher food available They make it into a huge party of sorts and it is over taken by the mostly frum population, yet they do allow anyone to come in.

When it comes to entertainment you are not allowed to have a television in your home and computer use is regulated. You are NOT allowed to go to movies, except at a shul or other Jewish establishment and the the movies are chosen by the rav or rebbe. Music is also censored. Your rabbi will determine what music is allowable and what is not. This includes concerts. Women are allowed to hear both men and women sing, but men are banned from hearing women sing, except if it’s their wife in private and their own children as long as the female children are under the age of 13. The issue is that a woman’s singing voice can an arose a man, and it is the woman’s responsibility not to be sexually arousing to men. According to the ultra-orthodox extremist groups, men can not control their impulses. This is also why they believe women get raped -- because it’s something the woman or female child has done. The same thing goes for dancing. That is why at weddings and other celebrations women are behind a mechitza (fence). I’ve attended weddings where the women are seated in a totally different room or even in an alternative building. 

9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the internet. I already spoke about the internet. Men are supposed to spend their days studying torah or learning with the rebbe or rav. In some communities this all they do throughout their lives and it’s the woman who not only cares for the children and home, but also works outside the home. 

10. Permission required for major decisions. This is required in almost all orthodox communities including in a few living in the more modern orthodox world.

11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors This happens all the time, including in some modern orthodox communities. They believe it’s one of those checks and balances to keep a community cohesive.

12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative. The answer to this in the ultra-orthodox extremist groups is ALWAYS. As long as you do what you’re told it’s amazing how kind folks are to you. You’d be amazed at the love blasting that goes on when someone first enters the community in a BT (Baal Teshuva) community. In the more chassidic world this is not necessarily true, because they don’t trust outsiders. Yet, if you don’t do what the rabbi says, your home could be set on fire, you can loose your job, your kids kicked out of the yeshivas, and or you can’t get a good marriage partner.

13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think. In the more insular extremist groups, this is absolutely true. Remember it’s unthinkable to question authority. If you think for yourself you are considered either a troublemaker or mentally ill.

14. Impose rigid rules and regulations. In the more extremist orthodox communities one must always follow the rules and regulations set down by the local vaad (Jewish religious court), or by the head rabbi of the community. In the more insulated communities, every aspect of a persons life is regulated by their rabbi. In these extremist, insulated communities if one does not follow the rules, their children will no longer be allowed to attend the local day schools or yeshivas, their children will not get good marriage partners which is an essential part of the more charedi lifestyle, and also if they own a business, community members will no longer be allowed to shop there. 

15. Instill dependency and obedience. In the more insulated, extremist types of orthodox communities this is absolutely. Your rav or rebbe because G-d like. They be come your ultimate parent (father). You are nothing without them. You need them to make every decision there can be to make. If you disobey them, your life and that of everyone you know and love can be ruined.

Jews and Christmas Trees?

By Vicki Polin

The Examiner - November 25, 2012

For those not familiar with the Jewish faith, Christmas is NOT a Jewish Holiday, nor a holiday celebrated by the vast majority of Jews. Over the years with the increase of assimilation and the fact that Christmas has been promoted as a secular holiday, many non-practicing Jews and individuals from many non-Christian faiths have been integrating the holiday into their families traditions.

Recently I started asking online the question, “Do you think it is OKAY for people who are Jewish to have a Christmas tree in their home?" I was astounded by the whole array of emotionally filled responses I received from individuals from within every movement of Judaism. –– From those who consider themselves to be orthodox through individuals who are unaffiliated.

For many who responded when thinking about Jews celebrating Christmas –– let alone having a Christmas tree in their homes, brought back memories of those who were murdered by Nazis –– and throughout the history of the Jewish people.

“Susie Cohen” of Skokie, IL said: “For centuries Jews have been displaced, raped, tortured and killed for holding onto their culture, religion and belief system.”

Another common theme in responses was that while growing up parents decided to bring a Christmas tree into their homes because they didn’t want their children growing up feeling like they were missing out on something. At the same time individuals from within the same demographics (those from rural communities and also large cities), stated: “Their parents would haved drempt of bring a Christmas tree into their homes because they didn’t want their children to loose sight of what it meant to be a Jew.”

It was also interesting to hear from a group of people who answered the question by saying: “we spend far too much time worrying about what other Jews do in their homes and not enough about how we do Jewish in our own.”

Rabbi Asher Lopatin, who is the spiritual leader at Anshe Sholom Bnai Israel Congregation in Chicago, stated that “a Christmas tree is a Christian symbol and, to my understanding, brings a powerful Christian atmosphere to any home that has one. Any Jewish home contemplating having a Christmas tree should be honest about how powerful this symbol is and whether they want the Judaism in their home - which might be quite subtle at times - to be overpowered by such a strong Christian symbol.”

Chicago Resident, David Blatt who considers himself to be an orthodox Jew says: “Why not? Asian-Americans, who are often Buddhists like my Japanese-American friend John, has had one for years. American Jews, sadly have a strong anti-Christian bias but let's be honest: Who of these two did a greater transgression: –– Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach who was busy molesting girls for years in the name of Torah -–– or Mr B, a 50 something single guy, who just put up a small Christmas tree in his studio high rise apartment?”

Los Angeles native, Alex Asher Sears, shared that she “grew up in a mixed faith home with a Jewish foundation but joy in celebrating the rituals my non-Jewish family had, too. We had a tree from the time I was about 10.

I also grew up learning that the tree was about the Solstice and that the fact that these holidays occur around the same time of year was to understand that religions probably have more in common than less.

I grew up understanding that all of these holidays in the way we celebrate them with gifts was NOT a religious thing. This is a time of year for reflection, celebration and doing for others.

What was more important was that “I learned to love the family gatherings that took place round the menorah and also around the tree. Both were important because they were our families rituals. We gave them the meaning we wanted them to have.

If I marry a man who said no tree, I wouldn't be OK with it, because the tree ties me to the rituals of my family. For me having a Christmas tree means that when my grandmother talks about Christmas morning as a little girl I can understand just as I do when my Bubby tells me stories of Passover when she was a child. And I think they each got great joy being able to celebrate those aspects of their childhoods with their grandchildren and vice versa.

A few personal friends who converted to Judaism, stated that they couldn’t imagine bringing a tree into their homes, especially for them the tree represented the faith they walked away from."

New York psychologist, Michael J. Salamon stated: “I was raised to believe that a tree represents a holiday that we cannot follow. Perhaps it is because my father, as a Holocaust survivor, saw Nazism as deeply rooted in Catholic anti-Semitism and therefore, symbols of Catholicism were just not acceptable.”

TammySue Margalit, who grew up in Skokie responded by saying: “HELL NO, not in my house, but I will not tell someone else what to do.”

Rabbi Zev Shandalov, a Chicago native who now resides in Israel believes that “the Christmas tree is one of the most well-known representations of the celebration of the Christian holiday. By introducing that symbol into one's JEWISH home, one is in fact taking another step towards assimilation. A Christian is free to practice his or her religion as seen fit. However, it must be realized that it is indeed THEIR religion and not ours. Bringing a Christmas tree into the home negates one's Judaism and Jewish roots.

Additionally, our religion is so rich and full of beauty and wonders! The Menorah is such an awesome symbol--one of light in dark times, faith in G-d and brings families together in warmth and love. Why does one feel a sense of lacking in all that we have that he need bring in foreign symbols? Our religion lacks nothing.”

Marcia Cohn Spiegel, a long time activist for Jewish women’s civil rights believes that “it depends on the situation. I would find it disturbing in my house, but in interfaith marriages it honors the customs of one partner (if that partner also honors Jewish customs).”

Danny Shaffer of Highland Park, IL responded by saying: “The truth is I frickin' LOVE christmas! I get the tree with my boys..we listen to christmas music while we decorate it, put gifts under the tree..cookies for santa.. watch all the christmas movies..the whole nine yards..it's a great AMERICAN holiday and as you know –– I’m seriously Jewish.”

Shoshana Martyniak said: “My husband isn't Jewish, and one of the things that I said when we were first dating was that if we were going to continue to date, he had to give up christmas and the tree. I wanted a Jewish home and part of that Jewish home is creating a safe space where you can be free in your Jewishness. I realize that much of secular non-Jewish America, including the giant gentiles families –– see nothing religious about Christmas.

As a Jew, no matter how pretty the lights are, no matter how good the tree smells, it is still a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ-- a man who is not our messiah, who, to us, is not the son of G-d, nor a part of our story at all. So, why would Jews celebrate his birthday? Especially in our own homes?

Over the years, I've made the concession that if we are in Wisconsin, we will visit my in-laws on Christmas. There are rules: 1) No Christmas presents for my children 2) An understanding that we are VISITING them and my children are sharing their holiday, just as when we invite non-Jewish friends to passover, but it is not our holiday, it’s not in my houses.

And yes, I do judge when it comes to this. I do think it's confusing. Children have enough Christianity thrown at them during this time-- their houses should be safe. There needs to be a line.”

Rabbi David Gruber, a native of Evanston, IL –– stated that “like most things in life, a one size fits all approach is seldom helpful. A Christmas Tree is not something that has meaning for me, personally. It would, therefore, not serve any constructive function in my home. However, there may be families, where this may have personal meaning. I see no harm in those families having a tree.”

Sara Hawkins said that "for many years I put up a Christmas tree. My best friend and college roommate celebrated Christmas so we decorated for both Hanukkah and Christmas. Life went on, we graduated, moved away and then eventually ended up in the same city, she in her apartment, my husband and I in our house.

Since we had the larger place we'd invite my best friend to come over (and others who would be alone) on Christmas.

One year I decided to put up a tree for her on Christmas Eve so she'd have a familiar experience. It wasn't about me or my beliefs. I did that for about 10 years and many of my Jewish friends thought it was great while others chided me for being a horrible person for bringing a Christian relic into my home.

What I do in my home in a loving appreciation of my friends and family is not for anyone to judge me negatively, but people will (and do).

Do I think Jewish people should put up a Christmas tree? Sure, if that makes them feel happy and joyful and good. Christmas trees aren't even of Christian origin, they're Egyptian (from what I learned). The original question of "Is it OK..." already sets this up as a good/not good discussion. Of course it's OK for Jews to put a Christmas tree in their home, as much as it is OK for me to put a fountain, crystals or coins to enhance my home's Feng Shui.

Shalom bayit (peace in the home) is something I subscribe to, and anything that should brings peace, love and joy into a home should is more important than being judged by outsiders."

Rebbitzen Nechama Eilfort, who teaches at the Hebrew Academy in Huntington Beach, CA shared: “The xmas tree has never been considered a symbol of peace. If anything it represented a connection to German culture as the 'modern' custom of decorating a tree at home started in Germany.

It is clearly not 'fine' to have an xmas tree or fir wreaths for Jews. The star at the top represents the star of Bethlehem that appeared on the eve of the birth of the xtian god. There are many suggestions that the use of the tree has pagan origins in which case it falls under the 'asheira' prohibition.

Use by Jews suggests a desire to assimilate and appear no different from the surrounding nations. This is the antitheses of Judaism. It is the role of a Jew to be a light among the Nations. To stand out, not to blend in.

When faced with the type of anti semitism we are faced with today it is important to react by being proud, visible, religiously active Jews.”

Rabbi Ze’ev Smason, who is the spiritual leader of Nusach Hari B’nai Zion (St. Louis, MO), shared his thoughts on the topic, stating that “any knowledgeable Christian would object to the suggestion that a Christmas tree has no Christian religious meaning, just as a knowledgeable Jew would object to the suggestion that the menorah or Star of David are secular symbols. However, we need go no further than to look at the word 'Christmas' of 'Christmas tree' to see the tree's connection to Christian belief. Regarding the question, "Is it OK for Jews to have a Christmas tree in their home?", the answer is an unequivocal "No."

Judaism contains a richness and depth with its 613 mitzvos (commandments) that enables every Jew the opportunity to connect with the Almighty, our fellow man, one's Jewish identity, and universal and spiritual truths. When Judaism is transmitted in a meaningful, relevant fashion, it becomes obvious that our laws and traditions contain within them the opportunity to fulfill and satisfy our spiritual yearnings. To any Jew who feels the inclination to turn to non-Jewish religious symbols such as the Christmas tree for spiritual fulfillment, I say: "Check out your own heritage first."

Sara Atkins of Wynnewood, PA, believes that “people should actually learn about Hanukkah –– not the story they tell about the oil but the real story, but about the struggle and why we (Maccabees) fought and won. Maybe if people REALLY understood Hanukkah they wouldn't be running so quickly to put up a tree. Or what the military victory, was really about. Hanukkah is celebrating the victory of yet another group trying to assimilate us –– and getting us to shed Judaism –– but it didn’t work, we fought and we won. Hanukkah is basically a big old celebration of stopping assimilation.”

For me (Vicki Polin), I did not grow up with any formal Jewish education, nor were my parents or grandparents holocaust survivors. My parents would never allowed a Christmas tree in our home. When I was younger, my sisters and I would go over to a neighbors home to decorate their tree. I personally remember feeling out of place doing so. I remember my father explaining to us that Jews are not christian, nor do we celebrate christian holidays such as Christmas –– for that reason, we do not have a Christmas tree. My mother then went on and reminded us about the holocaust –– and how people hated us [Jews] because our belief system was different. My mother continued by reminding us of the number of innocent people, including Jews who perished in the holocaust –– and that in honor of their memory we do NOT practice another faith, nor bring icons or symbolism's of the other faiths into our home.

The topic of not having Christmas trees in our home was one of the many family traditions my parents passed down to the next generation –– along with the importance of understanding and accepting cultural differences amongst our friends. Even though we never had any real formal Jewish education, my parents wanted my sisters and to be proud of our ethnicity and faith.

I personally would never bring a Christmas tree, nor anything representative of another faith into my home. Yet I do believe since one of the major premises of Judaism is the fact that we all have free will, I personally believe it has to be an individual decision to choose what is best for each individual family’s situation and home.

END NOTE: According to Rebbitzen Eilfort an asherah was a tree that represented fertility and goddess worship. That it was an evergreen tree (ie one that didn't die in the winter) would make sense.


There is a Biblical prohibition as well as a positive commandment to not set up and to cut down any trees that represent asherah worship.

Many pagan tribes had a great fear of winter and death (see Beowulf) and created rituals to calm those fears, such as placing evergreen wreaths at doorways etc.


Sources:

Deuteronomy 16:21 states that Hashem hated Asherim whether rendered as poles— "Do not set up any [wooden] Asherah [pole] beside the altar you build to the Lord your God"— or as living trees— "You shall not plant any tree as an Asherah beside the altar of the Lord your God which you shall make". That Asherahs were not always living trees is shown in 1 Kings 14:23: "their asherim , beside every luxuriant tree". Exodus 34:13 states: "Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and cut down their Asherah poles."

Suggested Films:

"I am a Jew"

Free Will

Spirituality, Sexuality, and How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God

(This article was originally published by The Awareness Center in 2004 and republished by The Times of Israel on March 8, 2015.  The article was co-authored with Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH.)

Spirituality and Sexuality are very often confusing issues for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for several valid reasons. In families where the concept of God is present, a child’s first representation of God is either of their parents or through their parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a view of God that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a family of violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being that is controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been sexually violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a sex offender. Survivors’ internalize a view of a punishing, abusive God, who only allows bad things to happen to them because “God loves them.” They live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their thoughts, because God can read those and therefore punished for even feeling angry, upset or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a perception of the world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would naturally question the veracity of a kind, loving God.

The Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical educator was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was “hateful.” The commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or seduced young women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual. Unfortunately, despite this tradition to ostracize such offenders, Jewish communities have not taken such a strong, responsible position toward molesters. Too often when allegations of child molestation are brought to the attention of community leaders, parents or relatives of victim’s are reminded that discussing issues of molestation within the community or bringing these types of allegations to the public would result in any number of negative outcomes for the survivor. These consequences include difficulty finding a marital partner of substance for not only the survivor, but also other family members, or could result in the survivor or family members of survivors not getting into good yeshivas (schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of having to relocate to another town as a result of the political pressures following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to struggle with their trust and belief in God so does the survivor’s family. 

We have begun to discuss the possibility of a correlation between assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According to the most recently available data one in every three to five women, and one out of every five to seven men, have been sexually abused by their 18th birthday. As part of the healing journey, the majority of survivors of abuse reach the point where they try to integrate what happened to them on a spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs, surrounded by individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors often feel different. Jews have very different customs then that of their Christian friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated background, they may feel at a loss — unsure of what to do, or how to do it while survivors from backgrounds that were more traditional and included a Jewish education may feel betrayed by that background. The confusion of the healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy spiritual place within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor of childhood abuse to do?

Up until now there have been very few individuals who are “survivor friendly” in the Jewish community. We need to start opening our minds and our hearts to begin listening to survivors of childhood sexual abuse bearing witness. Just like holocaust survivors, who were initially shunned, survivors of childhood abuse need to be allowed to speak in order to heal, to be able to learn to connect with God, to see God as something other then neglectful, abusive and cruel. Those listening to these disclosures have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to the survivors. It is vitally important to make sure they have access to a support group conducted by a trained facilitator who is experienced with compassion fatigue (secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), so they are allowed to debrief and maintain balance, after hearing the voices of survivors.

Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She indicated that she spent her life trying to connect to something that was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over the years she approached many rabbis asking them questions. Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a lack of training, were unable to help her understand either her questions or the concepts with which she need the most help. Most had difficulty listening to her disclose her abuse history. When Karen was a child, while her father was molesting her, he would say “this is how you know God loves you . . . you know anything that feels this good has to have come from God . . . this is how you know God is inside you.” Knowing this information would be critical in understanding Karen’s difficulties with the concept of God. Yet most Rabbis doing outreach were unable to help her reframe her experience and make it possible for Karen to learn to connect.

Rivka was in her teens when she first disclosed to a friend that her father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her father was also a principal of a school for young boys. Her friend told her mother, who in turn, went to a local community leader to ask for advice. Because of the stature of her father, the community leader suggested they keep quiet about the abuse. As time went on, Rivka was unable to cope. As a teen she ran into some difficulties and ended up moving into the home of one of her classmates. Due to political pressure within the community, the family that Rivka resided with was asked not to daven (pray) in the synagogue they had been members of for years. The family was dedicated to helping Rivka heal, and were not about to put her out on the streets. Rivka eventually went to college, was able to support herself financially, got married and is the mother of three. Rivka came from a Torah observant upbringing, but from her experiences with the denial of the community, she no longer practices. She feels betrayed by her family, the Jewish community, and most importantly by God. When speaking to community leaders of the town she was from, and when her name is mentioned, they make comments such as she’s happy, she is married and has children. But they are not completely correct. Rivka’s is in mourning. She misses her biological family, she misses her connection to her community and she feels that has no one to talk to about her feelings about God.

Mitch grew up in family filled with physical and sexual violence. The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents made sure to enroll all their children in programs so that they could learn about Judaism. There was a problem — Mitch was deaf. None of the Jewish educational programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient at lip reading and disclosed that he was bored and felt left out. Growing up Mitch never felt that he was a part of his family since the majority of his family members were not proficient in sign language. He was alone isolated in his deaf world.

School was Mitch’s only respite. He was enrolled in a school for the deaf, and could communicate freely with people who could understand and relate to him. Growing up in the South and being deaf meant that he didn’t have any Jewish friends. As he reached high school, he wanted to be like his friends. Most of them went to church. Mitch had no concept of God, and was like a sponge to learn, to connect to something spiritual. Mitch’s concept of God was that of a father who was filled with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish community ever took the time to meet Mitch’s needs. He never was given the opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings about his concepts of God to anyone Jewish. But then the missionaries reached him. Like so many survivors, the desire to feel loved was strong. His new friends knew this and showed him unconditional love. He would do anything to feel loved and cared for, and if it meant learning about another religion, then he did it. When his family realized what was happening they tried to rectify the situation, but again it was done in a way that appeared to be an attempt to control and abuse him. Their attempt was unsuccessful. To this day Mitch’s views Judaism as something that is abusive and wrong.

The more our communities, and our leaders are educated on the issues relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it will be to help heal the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse. Band-Aids can only cover up an infection. Our communities need to do major wound care, some individuals may require “spiritual surgery,” while others my just need a topical ointment. But together as a community, as a people we can come together and heal the world.