Women's History: Civil Rights For women

PICTURED ABOVE: International gathering of woman suffrage advocates in Washington, D.C., 1888. Seated (left to right) are Alice Scotchard (England), Susan B. Anthony (United States), Isabella Bogelot (France), Elizabeth Cady Stanton (United States), Matilda Joslyn Gage (United States), and Baroness Alexandra Gripenberg (Finland). The names of the individuals standing could not be determined.

Being an educated consumer: Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse/Assault

© (2012) By Vicki Polin
Originally published in The Examiner on September 13 2012

The history of the Anti-Rape Movement within Jewish communities worldwide really got started over fifty years ago when Marcia Cohn Spiegel realized her husband had been an alcoholic for many years. Marty did what many women did back in the 1950s ad 60s, and went to her rabbi and then a Jewish psychotherapist for help. Like in many problematic marital situations back then (and sadly what still goes on today) -- women were told that the it must be something they was doing wrong that would cause her spouse to drink. Marty was devastated and could never figure out what it was that she was doing wrong. It would take another ten years from the time she originally spoke with her rabbi that Ms. Cohn-Spiegel joined a feminist consciousness raising group. It was at that point she realized that she was NOT alone nor to blame for her husband’s behavior.

During the 1970s other Jewish women who were living with alcoholic husbands and or with domestic violence situations (which included cases incest and marital rape) began to communicate with each other. It was at that time that Marty realized that she had to take on a more active role and something to change the Jewish worlds view, attitudes and behaviors regarding these issues.

Marcia Cohn Spiegel had already received her undergraduate degree in psychology back in 1949, and had been an active volunteer in various non-profit groups, when she went back to get her graduate degree in 1976. She basically went back to school so that she could learn how better to help Jewish survivors.

Having the right education, training and supervised experience is critical to being able to really learn the best ways to help and advocate for others. Unfortunately, over the past few years the anti-rape movement within the Jewish community has been hijacked by a small group of people who feel they know what they are doing, even though very few of them have any specialized training in advocating for others, let alone in how to help guide survivors in the healing process.

Due to of the lack of training of these “lay advocates”, many survivors of sex crimes who have been reaching out for help are getting hurt. The scary part is that these “lay advocates” due not understand the importance of confidentiality, listening to the needs and wants of each individual survivor and often just follow their own personal agendas. 

Due to lack of training and these “lay advocates” are not certified or connected to a legitimate rape crisis center -- meaning there is no legal protections for those utilizing their services. If a “lay advocate” should breach confidentiality, there is no legal recourse that could be taken. It is as if you shared a confidential secret with friend and the confidential information was shared with others. There would be nothing legally that could be done, unless prior to sharing the information a confidentiality agreement was signed by both parties.
In the state of Illinois, along with several other states -- a certified rape victim advocate is protected from them being subpoenaed in court of law regarding what is shared between a survivor and the activist. Survivors can confide in rape crisis center counselors and advocates, knowing that they run little risk of having those communications disclosed publicly unless they consent to such disclosure.

It’s important for survivors of sex crimes to be educated consumers when they are asking for help. It’s great to have friends and family members who are supportive. For many, it’s a vital part of their own personal healing process. If you’re looking for help after being sexually victimized, one of the best places to start off is with your local rape crisis center. Not only can they offer you legal advocacy by legitimate activists, they also help direct you to both medical and psychological counseling by professionals who have the right training, education and experience. 

Over the years survivors from the Torah observant world have been afraid to go to agencies outside of their communities for fear the organizations would not understand their unique cultural differences and needs. Though each person’s wants and needs are different, it’s important to know that those who work in legitimate rape crisis centers have to have course work in cultural diversity training. Meaning, the majority of counselors, medical and legal professionals will do what they can to understand your unique situation. They are also bound by the confidentiality laws, which should reassure you that what you share with them will remain private. 

If you live in Illinois contact one of the rape crisis counseling centers associated with ICASA (Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault).

If you live in another state click here to find a legitimate rape crisis center in your community.

Let 5773 be the year for Healing of Survivors!

When The Awareness Center (International Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault) was first created over 10 years ago, I was inundated by phone calls and e-mails from women from all over the world. I had no idea who this man was at first and would later realized that over the years that I have spoken to hundreds of women who disclosed that they were sexually abused by Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach; along with individuals who identified themselves as being spouses, relatives and or friends of the survivors.

One common theme with this calls was the enormous about of internal pain they felt each year when their synagogues created special Carlebach Minyon’s (gathering) in his honor, which was often right before Shlomo Carlebach's Yahrzeit (anniversary of his death).

View slideshow: It's time to honor the female survivors of Shlomo Carlebach

Due to the degree of emotional pain created by their victimization, several of the women who contacted me also disclosed that they had walked away from the Torah observant lifestyle, going to synagogue or even practicing Judaism in any shape or form. There have also been numerous callers who also shared that they had converted to other faiths -- as a result of being sexually victimized by this serial sexual predator -- and due to the way the allegations they made had been handled by rabbonim.

Being from an unaffiliated background, when the calls first started coming in I had no idea what to think. I had never heard of Shlomo Carlebach. I found myself needing to research out who this man was. I ended up asking various rabbis for the missing background information needed. It was explained to me by some of the most highly respected rabbis that “Shlomo Carlebach was an artist . . . a musician. . . someone who was responsible for bring hundreds if not thousands back to Judaism.” . . . “Due to the number of neshema's (Jewish souls) he saved it was enough reason for him to deserved to be respected.”

These same rabbis all acknowledge that “Shlomo Carlebach had a little problem with loving women a little too much.” When I further questioned these same rabbis about their statements, I was told things such as: "boys will be boys -- you know how musicians are, etc." In today’s society Shlomo’s “loving women a little too much”, would be considered sexual assault -- could have been prosecuted, and placed on the National Sex Offender’s Registry.

One secret many rabbonim have kept from the public for several decades is the fact that back in 1959 Rabbi Moshe Feinstein made a rabbinic decree banning Carlebach’s music as a way to deter him from assaulting more women. With no place else to go, Shlomo fled from the orthodox world and started doing kiruv (Jewish outreach) to unsuspecting women in the secular world.

If you think about it, back in the 1950s, 60s and really up until 1984, there were very few laws on the books to protect women from this type of criminal sexual behavior. Like back in the 1950s when the first known cases of clergy sexual abuse were made against Shlomo Carlebach, the blame for the assaults were place on the women who were sexually victimized -- instead of where the blame belonged -- on the alleged assailants, such as in the case of rabbi Shlomo Carlebach.

Nearly ten years ago Rabbi Yosef Blau, who is the Mashgiach ruchani (head spiritual advisor) at Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary, stated to me that the reason for the volume of calls I was receiving was: “you have to understand some of the facts. Shlomo traveled a great deal, he was a Kiruv worker (Jewish outreach worker). Let's say Shlomo was ‘with’ one woman a week -- times that by forty years. So basically that would mean he would have been with 2,160 women."

"The problem is that Shlomo most likely had a sex addiction. Knowing Shlomo the odds are he was with at least one or two woman a day; that would mean he was with (sexually assaulted) over 14,600 women."

I have no idea of the accuracy of Rabbi Blau’s statement, yet I do know that over the last eleven years I have received more calls from survivors of Shlomo Carlebach, then any other alleged or convicted sex offender. I personally believe he had molested more women then any other sexual predator in the history of the Jewish people.

Just as with survivors of any other sex offender, each and every one of the women who had been sexually violated by Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach deserve to have their voices heard.

With the coming of the Jewish New Year, I’m asking everyone to say a prayer for the women who had been sexually assaulted by Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach, and to put the end to promoting this serial sexual predator as a saint.

-- 
This article was originally published by The Examiner  on September 11, 2012
 

What's Your Synagogues High Holiday Polices For Sex Offenders?

© (2012) Vicki Polin

Child Abuse and the High Holidays

Tashlich and Healing from Child Abuse

© (2012) By Vicki Polin

Tashlich (תשליך) is a ritual that many Jews observe during the High Holidays. "Tashlich" means "casting off" in Hebrew and involves symbolically casting off the sins of the previous year by tossing pieces of bread or another food into a body of flowing water. Just as the water carries away the bits of bread, so too are sins symbolically carried away. In this way the participant hopes to start the New Year with a clean slate.

Ami Magazine - Attempting to alter the truth on Sex Crimes?

History of Intimidation, Harassment and Cyberbullying

Klue--Aid: A special drink for that someone special

Thanksgiving: Survivors of child sexual abuse of yesterday, today and tomorrow

By Vicki Polin

Examiner - November 9, 2011

For many families in the United States who celebrate Thanksgiving, it is time of year filled with wonderful memories of families getting together.

Thanksgiving (like any other holiday) often mean that families get together, routines are changed, and there is also the added stress of cleaning and preparing meals. These issues alone can be extremely stress-producing. Unfortunately the reality is that there are parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, and they are more likely to do so when under the pressure of increased anxiety. Needless to say, many adult survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse became more intense around and during holidays. For that reason we are asking everyone to say a prayer for the children and their family members, so they get the help they need.

I'm personally asking that each person who reads this article promise to make a phone call, if you suspect a child is either being abused and or neglected, please give that child the gift of a lifetime by calling your local child abuse hot-line regarding your suspicions. Doing so may help prevent any further harm, and it can often lead to a whole family receiving the help and healing that are needed to end the cycle of abuse.

Thanksgiving is a time of year when adult survivors of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) may be faced with the challenge of deciding if they should go home for the holidays, spend it with friends, or be alone. It is also a time of year for many to have a flood of painful memories reemerge. Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) may increase. It is not uncommon for survivors to find it safer to retreat than to participate in holiday functions.

Each individual survivor needs to figure out what works best for them to stay emotionally healthy. It is critical for survivors to be kind to themselves with whatever decisions they make regarding where they choose to spend Thanksgiving: be it with family, friends, or alone. We all need to respect their decisions, especially if a survivors decide not to celebrate.

To reiterate, it is important to be aware that it is not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to emerge even after times of relative remission and/or intensify in those already struggling. Survivors may experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. Thoughts of self-harm, even suicide may be an issue. The important thing to remember is these feelings are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that it is of utmost importance for you to be kind to and gentle with yourself.

This is written as a reminder to all survivors: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse), it might be a good idea to check up on them a few times over the holidays. Make sure survivors have invitation to thanksgiving dinner, and that if they say no, let them know they can always change their mind and come at the last minute.

Over the years we've spoken to many adult survivors who find it very painful to even consider going to anyone's home for the holiday. Maybe this is true for you, too. It is OK. Someday you may feel different, but if the pain is too intense, it is important that you do things that feel healing to you, it is important that you set boundaries to do what feels safe for you.

Remember that whatever works for you is OK: you are not alone in this struggle, not wrong, not bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about how to celebrate and even whether to celebrate the holiday. Look into yourself and see what you need, than do what you can to do it and be kind to yourself for needing to make these adjustments.

To those of you who are survivors . . . thank you so much for Surviving!

Spiderman: Tips on Ways to Prevent Sexual Abuse

High Holidays and Survivors of Child Abuse

By Vicki Polin

Examiner - September 25, 2011

Letters to the Editor - Gafni

Letters to the Editor - Gafni

Zeek Magazine - September 21, 2011

Prior to Gafni’s abusive behavior at Bayit Chadash, back in the 1980s, Mordechai Winiartz (AKA: Marc Gafni), sexually assaulted two teenage girls. At the time that Judy, one of the teenage girls came and ask for help. The response from modern orthodox community associated with Yeshiva University in which Gafni was involved, did what they thought was best, and chased him out of town.

Back in 2004 the story of the teenage girls went public. The response by many was to shoot the messenger of the dangers of Gafni. Rabbis Saul Berman, Joseph Telushkin and the rest of their gang went on a vicious attack against anyone associated with The Awareness Center. Berman gang member Rabbi Arthur Green, wrote the notorious letter to the editor of the Jewish Week (Abhorrent Column). Green called those of us who were attempting to protect others from being harmed a “rodef”. A person who meets the definition is subject to death.

“He has been relentlessly persecuted for those deeds by a small band of fanatically committed rodfim, in whom proper disapproval of those misdeeds combines with jealously, anger at his swerving from Orthodoxy, and a range of other emotions.)”

The denial of Berman, Telushkin, Green is no different then those at Bayit Chadash or those connected to the world of Diane Hamilton. The reality is that Gafni has been chased out of many different communities over the years -- and the odds are this sexual predator will not be stopped. His modus operandi is to seek out and sexually manipulate beautiful, brilliant woman. After he is caught he lays low for a few years, during which time he recreates himself and professes his innocence and tells his new community that he is wrongly being accused, even though in the past he confessed to clergy sexual abuse against two teenage girls and many adult women.

The Otherside of Growing Up in Skokie in the 1960s 1970s

By Vicki Polin
Skokie Sexual Abuse Examiner - August 1, 2011

Please note that the names of those in this story have been changed to protect their identities.

Last year I returned to the Chicago area after being away for over a decade.  It’s been a wonderful experience reconnecting with so many childhood friends through Facebook and attending so many reunions and gatherings that would make anyone smile.  Sharing so many memories of good times and seeing where the lives of my childhood friends have lead them is truly a pleasure.  What we didn’t know was how many of our classmates were being abused in and out of their homes during our childhoods.

I’ll never forget my friend James telling me about how he and Billy were beaten up by two other boys, whose parents were holocaust survivors.  The reason why James was beaten up was because his friend was of German descent and NOT Jewish.  This wasn’t just a one time thing it happened repeatedly throughout his childhood.  

At a reunion picnic I met up with Joanne.  When I first saw her I knew she looked familiar, but I couldn’t place her.  For some strange reason I asked her if she was still friends with Mary and Darlene.  She looked at me in both rage and tears and looked as if she wanted to hit me.  She then went on and described how both Mary, Darlene and Kristina would corner her and beat her up for no reason.  Her beatings happened almost daily.  Even with interventions from school personal the beatings continued.  Her family had no option but to move to another community.  

The saddest part was the fact in all these cases, those who offended my classmates were people I knew and considered to be my friends.  I had no idea this type of bullying was going on.  

At gathering of folks that included those of us who grew up on Chicago’s northshore, a former homecoming queen from another school shared how she was being emotionally abused in her home.  

No matter what she did or said her father would tell her how ugly she was.  No matter what she did or said the emotional abuse never ended.

As young children, my best friend from kindergarten and I used to share our abuse histories, without even knowing what was happening to us was criminal.  I’ll

I’ll never forget the day that Sharon showed me the burn marks on her body given to her by her mother who was an alcoholic.  You see Sharon was often used as an ashtray when her mother was angry at her.  When we were in sixth grade Sharon and several other people I knew started using drugs. I’ll never forget when Sharon showed me how she would shoot up heroin at the age of 11.  Sharon also dropped out of high school when she was sixteen.

I will also never forget when Barbara and I first reunited after thirty years.  Barbara grew up down the street from me.  I was so excited to see her, yet she seemed very different then the last time I saw her.  Barbara shared with me that growing up she was being sexually abused by her oldest brother.  Ever since she shared the details I kept having flashbacks of how she never wanted to go down to the basement of her home where her teenage brother’s bedroom was.  It wasn’t until we were at a party that I saw how much she drank.  It was obvious to me that she was never able to get the necessary help needed to overcome her child abuse history.  

In high school there were a few classmates who attempted and committed suicide.  Looking back and remembering their symptomology, so many of them exhibited the symptoms of children being abused.

Those of us who grew up in Skokie in the 60s and 70s were not exempt from the statistics regarding bullying, physical abuse and the fact that one out of every three to five women and one out of every five to seven men were sexually abused by the time they reached their eighteenth birthday.  

Regarding Rabbi Saul Berman

Do Girls Matter? Sexism and Sexual Abuse

By Vicki Polin

Huffington Post - November 5, 2010

Over the last ten years there's been so much emphasis and media attention on cases of clergy sexual abuse - with the perpetrators being priests, pastors, monks and rabbis - that we seem to be forgetting that forty-six percent of cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by family members. We also cannot forget that according to statistics girls get molested two to three times more often then boys -- or that the effects and long-term ramifications are just as horrendous as their male counterparts.

Over the last twenty-six years of my involvement in the Anti-Rape movement I have to admit that I have been amazed at seeing so many male survivors coming forward with their disclosures of child molestation. Even Oprah's on to the male survivor bandwagon, producing two shows on the topic of male survivors of sexual abuse; which will air on November 5th and 12th.

My concern is that girls and adult women who are survivors of child sexual abuse seem to be getting lost in this new shuffle. I have also noticed an altering of history from some survivor groups in which they are forgetting the roots of the Anti-Rape movement. Advocating for survivors of sex crimes did not get it's start in 2002, with the Boston Globe's exposé on the Catholic Church. We cannot forget that if it wasn't for several brave women joining together in consciousness raising groups back in the early 1970's, we would have no idea about how many people were being molested as children, or how many adult men and women were being assaulted. 

Why is it that even in 2010 we want to forget the value of the feminist movement? If it wasn't for the brave heroes of the 1970's getting together and sharing personal details of their lives we would never have been able to offer hope and support to those who had been sexually victimized. We would not have begun to educate the public on the issues and ramifications of rape nor would research that effects more then a quarter of the population of the world have been started. 

How quickly we want to forget that back on January 24, 1971 the New York Radical Feminists sponsored the very first gathering to discuss sexual violence as a social issue. April 12, 1971 was the historic moment in which for the first time in history there was a gathering of survivors -- all women, who created the very first "speak-out" -- where they shared their personal stories publicly; and over 300 people attended. 

I personally got my start in the Anti-Rape Movement back in 1985 working for one of the first incest survivor organizations. During the early years it was mostly only women who came forward sharing stories of child molestation. For the last 12 years of my work has been focusing in Jewish communities on an international basis. I have been amazed to see this same phenomenon happening within the orthodox world. Female survivors of sexual abuse have been taking a back seat to their male counter part. For every 10 males who come forward, there is only one woman willing to share her story, come forward and begin the healing process..

I have also encountered some discrimination at workshops and or with other organizations that have been popping up in the Jewish world; the leaders are all male. I have been told that they believe women are too emotional to be a part of the movement, let alone to speak out publicly. I understand the cultural differences of the Orthodox world in which it is frowned upon for a woman to speak or educate men in public for reasons of modesty, yet why are they not coming out speaking to each other? Will they really loose value as a person if it's known that they were victims of a sex cri

-- Vicki Polin authored this article. Polin is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the founder and director of The Awareness Center, Inc., which is the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault

Vicki Polin: 2010 Jewish Community Heroes Semifinalist

It's quite simple, Vicki Polin created The Awareness Center eleven years ago, an organization also known as the International Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault, which is dedicated to ending sex crimes in Jewish communities globally. 

Vicki works within every movement of Judaism, from the unaffiliated to renewal, reform, reconstructionist, traditional, conservative communities and all the way to the orthodox, charedi and chasidic world. Vicki's job has not been easy, because she's been shining a light on things no one wants to acknowledge as being problematic. Over the last eleven years Vicki's been threatened, spit on, insulted and verbally abused in her attempts to mentor and advocate for those trying to use the legal system to obtain justice. Vicki's resilience helps her to continue on to educate and protect our communities from sexual predators, and also offer support to those who have already been victims of sex crimes. Her personal mission is to offer hope and healing to many of those who feel they have been tossed aside.

Under Vicki's direction, The Awareness Center does its best to act like the "Make A Wish Foundation" for survivors of sexual abuse/assault and their non-offending family members.

Tattoo me: Religious markings could actually be a cry for help

By Vicki Polin and Michael J. Salamon

Cliffview Pilot - September 5, 2010

 

Besides the fact that it’s trendy, many young adults today feel that having tattoos is a way to define who they are as a person. But that declaration of individuality could contain an ominous message, one that requires we all pay attention. 

Although once part of everyday popular culture, the trend has blossomed among those from extremely religious backgrounds. 

 

Sometimes it’s a call for help.

In a recent case, a 14-year-old boy‘s father became livid when the teen had a dove professionally etched in blue and white on his thigh. The father was understandably upset and wanted to ground his son for life. He also threatened to sue the tattoo artist for proceeding without adult permission.

According to his son, he completely missed the point.

“I am telling my father in a very rebellious way that I want peace in the house,” the son said. “I am so tired of his anger and shouting.” 

At a kosher butcher’s shop recently, a teenage girl on line pushed the hair off the nape of her neck to reveal a small Star of David inked onto her skin. Who knows what motivated her to tattoo herself with that symbol at that place? A reasonable guess is that she was proud of her heritage but did not want many people to see the “art.”

After all, tattoos aren’t permitted in the Jewish faith.

Here’s where it gets sticky:

Self-mutilation is often a symptom of unresolved psychological issues, usually associated with those who’ve been physically or sexually abused. In its worst stages, youngsters cut or burn themselves until they bleed.

Those who’ve done it have said they felt numb or in such severe emotional pain that the physical pain they cause themselves helps relieve some of the emotional distress.

No one is saying that getting a tattoo falls under that category. For one thing, it’s done in one location and, in most places, not repeatedly. At the same time, research shows that we cannot ignore it as a POSSIBLE indicator of trouble.

A recent study of 236 college students at a Catholic liberal arts school found a correlation among sexual activity, tattoos and body piercing — but none between body modifications and religious beliefs or practice. One possible explanation is that those who tattooed themselves were rebelling against their childhood lifestyles. 

Over the years we’ve seen victims of abuse move from Torah-observant, Orthodox households into more secular surroundings. At the same time, many abuse victims from secular backgrounds have shifted from what they grew up with and headed on a journey of becoming more observant. 

Both groups of survivors have one thing in common: They are searching for a deeper meaning, reason and or purpose to why they were targeted to be victimized.

In the Orthodox world, a woman wouldn’t be caught dead in short sleeves in public, let alone wearing a bathing suit.  Yet one survivor, who was sexually abused by an older brother for four years, beginning when she was 11, disclosed that she had the words “Kadosh, kadosh, kadosh” (holy, holy, holy) tattooed in Hebrew on her back in her thirties.

She deliberately labeled herself, she said, so that both she and the world would know that no one could ever abuse her again.

We’ve encountered all types of ethical dilemmas working with Jewish survivors of childhood abuse. But this now is a trend that carries severe implications for those who submit to the tattoo gun. Raising the ethical stakes, youngsters tend to have various prayers that have great meaning to them tattooed on their arms, backs, legs and chests.

One had Torah verses inked into her skin: “Hear oh Israel the L-rd is G-d the L-rd is one”, “Hashem shall bless you and watch over you. Hashem shall shine the light of His/her face upon you and make you favorable. Hashem shall raise his face towards you and make peace for you.”

The Torah often tells us — figuratively — to “write these words on your heart,” not on the vessel that conveys you through life.

Which brings us to another serious drawback:

According to Jewish law, these words are not allowed in a bathroom or in view of a naked body. One halachic advisor has told survivors to cover those areas of their bodies when going to the bathroom or taking a shower. Yet there are times when this is impossible to do, depending on where the tattoos are.   

Growing up Jewish and being sexually abused as a child — especially in the ultra-Orthodox world — becomes a greater nightmare when no one believes the survivor or gets him or her the necessary help from a qualified mental health provider.

All too often, nothing is done at all. Either the victims feel so much shame that either they don’t tell anyone or it takes years to do so, or they‘re simply not believed when they do.

As children, and even as young adults, many of these survivors had no idea how to deal with or process the thoughts and emotions that go along with being sexually victimized.  When a survivor lacks words or is disbelieved, the emotional pain intensifies. All too often, they turn to drugs or food as a coping mechanism to anesthetize the pain.

Or they attack the “thing” that caused them pain in the first place: their bodies.

In many ways, people look upon these symbols as cool or hip. Unfortunately, they can also represent a cry for help, not unlike certain other forms of self-mutilation. It’s important that those of us whose loved ones take to the tattoo needle make it our business to find out the REAL story behind the markings, just in case.

From the Heart

© (2010) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC
Originally published in The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter

I'm sharing the following with you, because I know I am not the only person who has ever experienced what I'm about to share with you.  It's a topic which I doubt has really ever been discussed in detail in any public venue.

Several years ago I saw an elderly couple walking in a parking lot of a mall in my home town.  The couple looked very familiar to me, yet I was having a difficult time placing them.  As I got closer I realized who they were. . . I said, "hi mom, hi dad".  They looked at me, said hello and then wished me a good day as they went on with their day.  These were two people who I spent the first eighteen years of my life with.  Though they are biologically my parents, they are virtually strangers to me.  

Today is my father's 78th birthday. It's such an odd thing to say that I haven't known my father since he was 47. He's been out of my life for over 30 years.

I know that I am not the only adult survivors of child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) that is confronted with not knowing what to do, nor how to feel when birthdays, mother's day, father's day and or other holidays or anniversaries come around.   For me, these types of days often leaves a void of emotions and feelings. 

I know that several other adult survivors of child abuse may also need to separate from their families to heal, yet often keep it a secret for fear of being shamed or looked at as being different. I felt that it was important to share my experience in hopes of helping others realize that they are not alone, and to know that they do not need to keep their silence any longer.  

I also felt the need to acknowledge my father's special day some how.  I guess this note is my way of saying "Happy Birthday Dad".

To Survivors of Incest and other forms of Child Abuse Regarding Father's Day

Father's day is approaching, if you are a survivors of incest, remember you are not alone.  Not all father's should or need to be honored.  Just like any holiday, be kind to yourself.  Surround yourself with people who inspire you to heal.

Remember you are good and always have been. What happened to you was a crime.  It's NOT your fault.